What to do when stared at????

[stevered1]

Wasnt sure where to put this post and thought it might be an idea on this area.

shortened version, my son is nearly 5, Global developmental delay and cant talk, cant walk unaided, has epilepsy and has a developmental age of about 1.

Today I was shopping with him and we went past woman and her kids, my little un let out his happy and excited crys and the kids were laughing and pointing, now we have had stares and am prepared for that. but this I wasnt, the kids must have been about 9 and 7 and was walkign away laughing and pointing. At this point I was fuming and part of me understood they are just kids but another part wanted to have a go at them and explain the situation and why its rude to laugh at disabled children.. I caught up with them and there mother was getting her trolley in the way so I just slammed my trolley through and she said charming... I just shouted back when your kids are better behaved so will I be.

So I am sitting here working out what I should do in future. do I just ignore it, get wound up and walk away. Comment to the kids. Tell the parents... or just turn into a ball of rage ( im kidding )

[Petalsoftly]

It really depends on my mood at that particular time. It could be a confrontation with the parents along the lines of whilst smiling... Oh my... you must be so proud.... To, Teach your children some manners please.. to dog poo throwing at their car... as I said.. whatever mood I'm in...

[stevered1]

Fair enough, this morning it caught me by surprise and I wasnt asure if kids realised how nasty they were, it might have been that the mother would have been just as rude and then I would have struggled to bite my lip

[fintywalker]

This is a difficult one, because usually you cannot humiliate these parents as they are the role models for their children, they taught them not to have manners or understanding. I am easily angered by this but would hold of being 'violent' as that is sinking to their level. I would have to comment, I could not walk away because I too would be seething.

[fintywalker]

There is nothing surer in the world, than the fact that there is no-one crueller than kids, they usually have no morals, understanding or empathy, bullying stems from the playground and sometimes goes into adulthood and the workplace, be content in the knowledge that you are a better person than them. I try to instill that into my little boy, he's only 4 and it has been difficult at nursery because he kept pointing one little girl out with Downs Syndrome and saying 'funny eyes' I have had to accept that at his age he does not realise the hurt he may cause and I have told him that it is rude to stare or point out people's differences, but at this age it's what they do best!!! He often tells me I have a spot, funny hair or a big tummy, but I try not to fly into a rage and tell him not to be so inconsiderate, instead I tell him it's rude and he should not say things like that, he is learning and I hope that by the time he is older he will be a well mannered little boy.

[floridianfairy]

My son wears hearing aids,and mostly I have had positive responses from other kids, unlike adults who stare and do not ask questions,but this weekend we were in Arran and a young couple were discussing my son:angry: saying he was spoiled and so loud!they did not realise I overheard them! boy did they get a shock when I walked over and explained my lovely DS is deaf and so sometimes speaks loudly!Rather than apologising they denied saying it!What can you do? there will always be rude people that do not want to accept or understand our special angels:angel: ,thank goodness they are the minority:wavey:

[Rebelrebel]

I really really feel for you, I don't know what I would have done, I guess I would have either cried or gone into a rage. DD has mobility problems and there is one girl who calls her "spassy", however I'm not meant to know this. As DD is 14 she would feel embarressed if I dealt with the girl and DD is very strong willed and gives as good as she gets, but that aside I'm sure it must hurt, it hurts me, I just want to get the girl and instill some respect for others in her but I can't as DD will know I know :(, so anyhow getting back to subject I wish you well with whatever you do as I can really relate to your problem.

[Bartswife]

I've been at both ends of the problem. I have a SN son who looks fine but behaves and speaks strangely and if anyone says anything I immediately get defensive (it happened when another child who's my eldest sons age 13 commented that Ashley is thick - he's hardly an Einstein himself, I wrote to school to complain as there was a bullying issue going on at the same time) I've also had Ashley laugh and point when he was about 7 years old at a gentleman living near us who looks like the elephant man. I explained the problem and underneath there's something wrong with most of us, I think the problem lies with the parents lack of parenting skills and discipline that their children are allowed to be so rude. If I had been in that womans shoes I would have been mortified and apologised to you in the hope that you would be forgiving, unfortunately a lot of people are not like this in this day and age. Don't drag yourself down to their level, yours was an understandable and immediate response.

[jemett]

Hi, our son has a rare chromosome disorder and his problems are very similar to your sons. I have been in a similar situation to you, but this used to happen on a daily basis. When I walked my other 2 children to school, we would always pass this lady and her 2 girls and they would point and laugh at my son as he was flapping and making noises, my 2 other children used to get very angry and I used to feel uncomfortable, so one morning I spoke to the mum. I just said every morning your children point and gigglle at my son and it is upsetting his older sister and brother, my son has lots of problems and we would appreciate it if your children could stop. The lady was embarrassed and apologised, we've had no more pointing from that family. Saying that when other people point and stare when we are out I do get very wound up and usually end up shouting " would you like a picture" especially if they are adults, I just stare back at children, giving them a withering look. I hope this has helped, your not alone in feeling angry and defensive, so try not to worry it's other peoples problen not yours.

[Family Slave]

I felt really sad after reading your threads, it is such a shame that parents cannot just spend a few minutes teaching their children manners and respect. I do not have a special needs child but I would like to feel that I have taught my DS to behave towards others as he would like others to behave towards him.

If we see someone who looks different or perhaps is in a wheel chair he may comment and ask me why but I try not to dismiss him and ignore it, but rather discuss it (even if I have no choice but to talk about it in front of the person - I hope this is not the wrong thing to do).

There is a man who helps with football training who only has one hand but after questioning it - he has never mentioned it and it has never been an issue.

[stevered1]

Just to let you know i didnt ram the trolley into hers and send her flying, I just pushed through and it knocked her trolley a bit... wasnt like a special effect in an action film....I guess in one way I wanted to go before I opened my big mouth... besides I wouldnt resort to violence with women and children and would only protect myself and my son if someone came at me or my son.....

I know young kids can be honest or not realise and say things... had that and chatted to a couple of kids about 5 and 6... they were sweet and the mother tried looking away and not getting involved....

I guess I have got wound up as I see parents shouting really loud and abusivly in shops to there kids to "Shut up" where i want to walk upto them, tell them they should count themselves lucky there kids can talk and not stop talking, I would give anything to have my son say a single word, let alone nonstop chatting... so this today just really irked me ( ohh i like that word )

I guess for us its the fact up until now our son looks like every other child, but now he is getting older and isnt walking unaided and cant talk its becoming more obvious he has disabilites and I am coming to the realisation the staring etc is going to happen alot more frequent...

I think I will now play it back to these people, if they stare I will say, my son is disabled and he charges people £1 per stare, this allows you to stare for 30 seconds, if you point that is another £1. Comments are £5.... then ask them how they will be paying.. having done stand up comedy I can be very loud when I say this and im prepared to get a reaction from them...

[stevered1]

I felt really sad after reading your threads, it is such a shame that parents cannot just spend a few minutes teaching their children manners and respect. I do not have a special needs child but I would like to feel that I have taught my DS to behave towards others as he would like others to behave towards him.

If we see someone who looks different or perhaps is in a wheel chair he may comment and ask me why but I try not to dismiss him and ignore it, but rather discuss it (even if I have no choice but to talk about it in front of the person - I hope this is not the wrong thing to do).

There is a man who helps with football training who only has one hand but after questioning it - he has never mentioned it and it has never been an issue.

I guess sometimes people dont get to see others with disabilities and cant help but stare or comment, on the whole we get polite chat when we explain and its nice to try to help people understand, the ignorant ones are the ones who can really spoil your day..

And no its not wrong for him to ask you about someone who is different, the fact is it sounds like your son is curious not being rude... dont feel bad discussing it... if someone was discussing it and I heard i would be more than happy to smile and even chat

[Family Slave]

i would be more than happy to smile and even chat

just beware of that trolley hey?:d:

Please do not let "these people" spoil your day as they obviously do not have any sense of decency and are probably very horrible people - so there!:tounge:

[BarryandCaron]

I think I will now play it back to these people, if they stare I will say, my son is disabled and he charges people £1 per stare, this allows you to stare for 30 seconds, if you point that is another £1. Comments are £5.... then ask them how they will be paying.. having done stand up comedy I can be very loud when I say this and im prepared to get a reaction from them...

Very good Steve, our most common used comment to people who stare or make comments about DS2 is "he's disabled, what's your problem?" Once when I was taking DS2 to the toilet in a restaurant, a person asked if he was drunk, my reply "no, he's disabled that's why he can't walk properly", the person was totally humilated and apologised profusely. We've also had the sly comments as to why DS2 was in a buggy at his age :mad2:

I can totally empathise with you with your DS1 and his apparent disabilities. I'm afraid the more time passes the gap gats wider (in our DS2 case).

Keep your chin up and don't let the ignorant get to you.

Caron

[spider]

For what it's worth, you will find that as time goes by, you develop a very thick skin, some sort of blindness to these ignorant people and an attitude to ignore the most blatant stares.

I can remember quite a few instances where I have felt like ripping someones head off because of their stares, tuts and comments at my son's behaviour, but now, well, I can honestly say, I try very hard not to notice anymore. These people are just not worth the pain that they can cause you.

Of course, there are times when it get you down, but my thick skin has developed quite nicely over the past few years and after several outburst where I thought I was going to hyperventilate with rage, I promised myself I wouldn't let them get to me again.

The most favourite saying of mine is "is there a problem?" which usually makes people squirm, and a couple of years ago when some kids were taking the mickey out of Ben at a football disco, I told them to go and ask their parents what autism was and then come back to me to give me their answer, I never saw them again anywhere near him for the rest of the evening and at the end of the night asked their parents if they had explained what autism was to their little "angels" - the parents were mortified.

Good luck, this forum is great for supporting each other;)

[stevered1]

just beware of that trolley hey?
I promise I will in future.. most of the time :)

Caron, I guess I have mentally prepared lots of answers for people who will say, oh you shouldnt park in a disabled spot.... blah blah.. or others, but it was the fact they just laughed ... kind of knocked me for six as i wasnt expecting it... and i am prepared to say same as you, or similar.

I do have a thik skin and when people make comments to me its like water off a ducks back, I guess because its aimed towards my son, im being very protective, even though he doesnt understand them... Im sure in time when someone makes a comment, I will look them in the eye... tell them I pity them and walk away head held high... for now I will just shout and rage :) cheaper than therapy

[Lesley_Perschky]

Hi ya,

Does your son have any sort of hydrotherapy treatment? Just thought it might help with his mobility problems? Ask your doctor for a referal to you local O.T department. You might have to wait a while but worth it in the end. I have verbally pointed out to shop staff about illeagal parking on a frequent basis. Big supermarkets are the worst they take no notice at all.

[stevered1]

Yes, he goes to a local hydrotherapy pool every weds, loves it and this last few weeks he is walking with water wings unaided... which is fantastic.. so we will be doing lots of this... its mainly he realises he isnt being held and gravity kicks in and he goes down with a bump... once he gets over that we are hoping he takes a few steps or at least stands on his own ( hehas done but as soon as he realises.. bump )

Oh dont get me started about parking, I have to park in a disabled or a child and parent bay as he cant get in the car so I have to lift him in... so i need the extra space to get him in... and when I see healthy people spring out the car when in a disabled bay.. well I am going to get some notices printed up saying, you have parked in a disabled bay, if you have a blue badge you forgot to put it up and please remember, If you dont have a blue badge and are parking illegally, does this mean you want to have my sons disability and we will have your normal parking space?

[duchy]

I use "Is there a problem ?" too
Often just looking kids straight in the eye is enough-I usually explain that it's a disability and most kids respond well.
I used this stratagy when I worked as a classroom assistant in a high school and it was amazing how many kids asked some very acute questions and often you'd hear them telling other kids to stop as there was a reason for it.
Often parents are a bigger problem than the children who simply don't know.

[Bartswife]

Stevered1 - I understand your upset at people 'springing' out of cars parked in a disabled parking space but remember not all disabilities are obvious. My late father had a blue badge due to his bronchial problems which actually later had a hand in his death, but some days believe me he could shift when he wanted to. But I have to say I agree that there are an awful lot of people just don't care and I admire you in being brave enough to confront people I only wish I was.

[keith&carol]

I don't have a thick skin and I hate confrontations about most things. Having said that I won't let anyone walk over me or mine even if it upsets me to deal with it.
Having looked after Yvette for 30 years now (she has spastic quadriplegia and severe learning difficulties from Non accidental injuries) I have found the best way to deal with this sort of ignorance is either to ignore it because you can't change the world even tho you'd like to, or my most frequent tactic which is to go up to children or adults who are being rude or staring and quietly say "This is Yvette. Would you like to meet her". This either shuts people up or more usually they say yes and I introduce her and we have a chat.
I have to say that having fostered for 40 years the worst problems I've had with rudeness have been when we have been caring for a black or mixed race child. It's not as bad nowadays as it used to be but people jump to conclusions so quickly when it's none of their business anyway.
Good luck to everyone who has a special child. Other people will never know the joy of seeing just a tiny bit of progress .
Carol :smile:

[carys]

Steve can you teach DS the V sign ?lol My DS 7 has a friend who is registered blind and her brother has severe autism and the other has a hand missing . He went to their house and the first time asked loads of questions got the answers and is not interested anymore . I don't know what to suggest when people stare except to say there are pig ignorant people everywhere whether able bodied or disabled. It must be hard with you feeling it twice as badly, as you do for your kids , but it says more about them ! You did the right thing to rise above it . Maybe people like that woman are not blessed with a child like your DS as they do not possess your wonderful parenting skills ( clearly judging by her kids behaviour ) You are clearly a great Dad *** em !

[thinktink]

I work with kids, and we usually tell them that some people just aren't as lucky as they are etc. why can't other role models for children do the same?

tinks x x x

[stevered1]

Stevered1 - I understand your upset at people 'springing' out of cars parked in a disabled parking space but remember not all disabilities are obvious. My late father had a blue badge due to his bronchial problems which actually later had a hand in his death, but some days believe me he could shift when he wanted to. But I have to say I agree that there are an awful lot of people just don't care and I admire you in being brave enough to confront people I only wish I was.

I have no problems of people walking or sprining out of a disabled space, IF they put there blue badge out... if they dont put out a badge then I tend to think they dont have one.... in fact DW saw a BMW in a disabled space today, no badge and a clamp...

Bear in mind if you do park in a disabled bay, forget to put your badge out and get a ticket, you can get it sorted out later on... as I know sometimes we forget...

Also if i say anything to someone its usually, excuse me, you forgot to put your badge out, if they say oh yes and put it out I can be nice and say wouldnt want you getting clamped.. if they say they dont have one... then I would say something.

[stevered1]

Steve can you teach DS the V sign ?!

If i could i would... although he can clap... maybe i will say a witty comment ot them and get him to slow clap them....

Well its a couple of days later and i am calm about it now, I think I will take other peoples suggestions to either rise above it and maybe swear when I am alone... or confront it headon and make them realise he is disabled and see what they say... give them a chance to stop and pause... if they carry on being rude... then I might be a little rude back... but only a little :D

[ali and boyz]

I now stare back. childish I know. I find it is the adults who are worse. we live near Glasgow and we can't go down Buchanan Street with about 100 stares. My son has a broken neck and is in sort of a special wheelchair. he wears fingers splints because now his joints are all curling, including his spine and they get the most stares :confused2 . he is threatening to colour them all :pgig: as they are white at the moment.

[glorfy]

I probably shouldn't get involved, never having been the side of the fence that a lot of you posting here are - my heart goes out to you all.

Having said that, I could well be someone who is guilty of staring, but I try not to, as I don't want to offend anyone.

Here's what's going through my head: My god that poor person (refering to the person who is afflicted), my god the poor parents, how would I cope? I've found my self near to tears at times, as I am now typing this.

I saw a girl out shopping the other day, a beautiful young girl. Half of her face was missing. I wanted to talk to her, ask her about it, at the same time, trying not to stare. Again I was close to tears a few yards done the road from her. So embarrased by my own reaction as well. You walk past 1000s of people everyday, just walk on by, they're just another person - I've has the lucky break that neither myself or my circle of friends and relations are suffering in that way.


So if anyone wants to suggest how to moderate my behaviour, I'm happy to listen, but I'm not sure I can do so without ceasing to have empathy, and I think having empathy for your fellow human beings is a very important thing.

[ali and boyz]

personally I think we could learn alot from children. we were over at a relations house and the oldest who is 9 said to our son. do you push yourself with these wheels and my son said no I get a goodlooking person to do it for me and her youngers brother kept shaking the arms rests . it was funny and fine but their mother was horrified and kept saying sush and leave him alone. but it was fine and he was honestly fine with it all. he would much rather have had the childrens response than the mothers

both my sons have disabiities one has a broken neck thourgh sport which happened 4 years ago and the other is deaf since he was 4 so I am well aware of a disablity but I do find (sorry hope I am not going to offend here) that some people with disabilities have chips on their shoulders and can be rude. my mum smiled at a guy in a wheelchair in the post office queue and he was down right rude to her. I said she should have said my grandson is worse off than you and I was just being polite but she was just so embarrassed. so personally wouldn't look becasue of the expericene my mum had. think just go with the flow.

I probably shouldn't get involved, never having been the side of the fence that a lot of you posting here are - my heart goes out to you all.

Having said that, I could well be someone who is guilty of staring, but I try not to, as I don't want to offend anyone.

Here's what's going through my head: My god that poor person (refering to the person who is afflicted), my god the poor parents, how would I cope? I've found my self near to tears at times, as I am now typing this.

I saw a girl out shopping the other day, a beautiful young girl. Half of her face was missing. I wanted to talk to her, ask her about it, at the same time, trying not to stare. Again I was close to tears a few yards done the road from her. So embarrased by my own reaction as well. You walk past 1000s of people everyday, just walk on by, they're just another person - I've has the lucky break that neither myself or my circle of friends and relations are suffering in that way.


So if anyone wants to suggest how to moderate my behaviour, I'm happy to listen, but I'm not sure I can do so without ceasing to have empathy, and I think having empathy for your fellow human beings is a very important thing.

[loadsapixiedust]

I think I will now play it back to these people, if they stare I will say, my son is disabled and he charges people £1 per stare, this allows you to stare for 30 seconds, if you point that is another £1. Comments are £5.... then ask them how they will be paying.. having done stand up comedy I can be very loud when I say this and im prepared to get a reaction from them...

Love it! :D

Our DS has a wicked sense of humour and although he has no speech he can laugh and point (and a few other hand signals, no idea where he picked those up :blush: ) and at 14 can now cope pretty well with starers or rude comments on his own. A smart**s is way less clever with someone laughing and pointing back at them, increase the effect by having the whole family join in.

I'm sure your DS will also develop his own coping strategies as he grows up. You may find you are actually way more sensitive to starers than he is. Our DS prefers a stare to being ignored as if he is invisible.

Now he is older we get a lot less of the inquisitive stares, he is in a wheelchair and very obviously disabled. When he was littler and using a buggy it was less obvious what was wrong and you could see a lot of people just looking for a moment too long while they were trying to figure him out. Getting his first proper wheelchair was actually a great relief in this respect.

Not all starers are bad, I have often been guilty of admiring a funky wheelchair or other gadget a disabled person is using, especially when we were looking around for equipment for our DS, but I have learnt to also talk to the person about it, not just stare.

[BarryandCaron]

Love it! :D........Not all starers are bad, I have often been guilty of admiring a funky wheelchair or other gadget a disabled person is using, especially when we were looking around for equipment for our DS, but I have learnt to also talk to the person about it, not just stare.

I have been guilty of this when looking for wheelchair trims for DS2. I did ask where there had got them from too.

We have had quite a few comments about the wheel trims on DS2's wheelchair in WDW as well.

Caron

[Jewel]

It is hard, if I am having a "good" day I can usually manage comments well. If we have comment I usually say our other car is a ferrari or it has bells on it. On a "bad" day I find it hard to find to say anything.
Having said that it was harder when our daughter used the buggy. With regards to our daughter for everyone who has met her she is a right chatterbox and we are quite blessed that she is now quite able to give her own point of view.
julie

[Fizzy Fish]

It makes me really sad to read things like this. Children can be cruel but adults have no need to do so.

I know someone who's DD has downs. She's a fantastic little girl. When they're out and people stare, she often says to them "thank you for looking at my beautiful daugter" or "yes, she is lovely isn't she".

[scottishwee35]

yes, that is right. It is sad that children are cruel as their parent seem no caring about it.

Lots of people looked at us sometime as we are deaf, my daughter is deaf well. We have a hearing son. Lots of people said oh shame to my daughter why because she is deaf!!. that is really annoying me and make me angry because my daughter always happy girl, full of life, bright girl.

From now, When people tell me about shame. I told them it is not shame about my daughter but shame about my son. They look puzzle because my son is only one hearing in my family. He is only one who is hearing. It is another way round because he is sometime feeling left out when we use sign, communication together.

Understand?

That stop people keep saying shame to my daughter which they don't realise!!

I work Marks and Spencer, I see lots of disability children, I always put smile on my face to see them. Because I know how their parent feel exactly same how I feel with my family.

Scottishwee35

[Scotty]

My Sister is 36 and mentally handicapped but very active and quick - so we have had our fair share of the stares.
I find that when I am out with my mother - (just the 2 of us) she will look (stare) at anyone handicapped, be it mentally or physically, and I can see the people and carers getting upset about it.
When I have confronted my Mum about it she doesnt even realise that she is doing it, I think she is just interested in seeing how other people cope.
It isnt easy when people comment, I got very lippy and defensive as a teenager, now I tend to ignore it or totally lose it!!!

[grottyrotty]

As parents, we obviously "feel" for our children & want to protect them. This can make us very defensive. This applies to able-bodied children too.

One has to be careful that this defensiveness doesn't become aggression. Quite often, it is easy to misread a situation. As has already been said, a person may be looking at wheelchair specifications etc. Obviously laughing & pointing at a disabled child/person is a different matter.

I think it is just as hurtful when a person turns away from disabled children/people because they don't know what to say, or are frightened of a particular behaviour.

We really need to have more social inclusion, especially in schools. This teaches children that we are all different and some people have different needs to others. It teaches respect for individuals.

DDs primary school was socially inclusive & they had children with all sorts of disabilities. She knows lots about diabetes, kidney transplants, problems of wheelchair users, epilepsy, stomas, Downs syndrome to name a few.

Sometimes children pointing means they have noticed someone different to themselves & are questioning it. This should be encouraged, so that when they become adults they are not the ones turning away. BUT children also have to be taught that it is rude to point.

I like the post from Carol who asks people who stare if they would like to meet whoever it is. Not aggressive, but effective. Teaching children to respond rudely to starers only gets people's backs up and gives them more excuses to behave rudely back.

Very difficult I know, but treat these ignorant people with the disdain they deserve. Very hard when you are having a bad day.

Deb :wave:

[Eagle88]

As the father of a mentally and physically disabled adult(36ys young) I just ignore them for the most part. But when we were in IOA the year before last we had a T shirt made up it says 'Keep Staring I might do a trick' It was so successful we had another one made up last year.