101 Palpitations We 're going back

[rummy63]

Pre-Trip

You have met us all before on our 101 Palpitations trip.

I can’t do the link thingy consequently they are all over the place.

Me: 56 years old.

Second trip to the dark side, about 12 times to Florida.

Heaven doesn’t want me and hell is scared I’ll want to takeover.

Since my last blog I have developed a very serious addiction to Coffee Mate.

I’m not shoving it up my nose or anything like that but I do have a 30g a day habit.

Al: 56 years old.

My OH, My driver and path finder.

Knotty: I’m not quite sure how old he is because his birth certificate expired about five years ago. We call him Knotty because his name is Al as well.

He is now the proud owner of a brand new pair of Knees.

He had the first one done and we christened it Dick. The second one arrived nine months later and we christened that Dom.

Christine: 60 years old.

Knotties OH.

O.C.D.

A writer’s dream, an enigma wrapped in a shammy leather.

I have known her for 20 years and still don’t understand her.

I haven’t spoken to her for the last six weeks because I was always told that it is rude to interrupt.

Captains Log

14th November 2012

It’s confirmed.

It’s Travel City Direct.

25/08/2013 Four flights, an upgraded car plus a Sat Nav. Cost £3900

Those of you that read my “2nd Florida trippie” (Return of the Meemee) will wonder just what the”L” I am doing booking with Travel City Direct again.

It came down to money.

Exactly the same flight and car was £100.00 extra with Virgin.

Also the truth is, in order to enhance the settlement on the last holiday I accepted vouchers.

I can use these vouchers and pay off some of this holiday.
There was nothing wrong with the flight and the car on the last holiday.

It was just that allocated shed.

Not only was it a shed it was an upgraded premier shed.

Now I don’t mind “slumming” it but I object to paying an upgraded price for the slum.

If there are any tacky motels to be booked I can book them myself.

Anyway back to this trippie.

Looking at the prices for Yosemite, LA and considering the budget there may have to be quite a few dodgy motels booked.

A bit of background every Monday since 1996 Christine and myself have been going to the Mecca bingo. We bank every penny we win until we have enough to pay for a holiday plus spends.

So far we have been to Benidorm twice, Portugal three times,Turkey, Cancun, Florida and our last West Coast trippie.

At the time of booking we have £7000 in the bank plus $1000 cash left over from our last trip.
It isn’t really enough but we hope to win more before we go in 10 months time.

The plane seats are in the economy and I have a hankering to upgrade.

After a meeting with the others I was out voted.

Three hundred pounds each was considered not worth it.

I was on a mission to get those upgrades.

1st December 2012

I had the bright idea that if we bought nearly everything we use from Tesco we would be drowning in vouchers.

Now Al and I don’t often subscribe to the seven deadly sins but we pretty much plan our Sundays around greed and sloth.

This Sunday was different.

Armed with my new Tesco loyalty card we travelled 12 miles to our nearest Tesco superstore to buy petrol.

The queue was horrendous.

Al was doing his nut.

We wasted about half a gallon queuing.

The road in was single file then it splayed out to about 5 lanes of pumps. We chose the last lane there were two pumps empty.

We were behind a woman.

By this time Al was seriously losing it.

“Why hasn’t she pulled forward?”

The usual stuff about women drivers not being fit to hold a dog license never mind a driving license. Yeah, yeah, yeah we’ve heard it all before so put on yer big boy boxers and deal with it.

All cocky like, he pulled around her, glared at her and reversed up to the pump.

Then he found out why she hadn’t pulled forward, the pump was out of order.

The only place he could go was through the exit and back to the end of the queue.

I was laughing that much, honest, there were tears running down me leg.

We then had breakfast in the cafeteria.

Again we had to queue for about half an hour. Actually it was eight minutes but it felt like half an hour.

Finally we got to the front.

We got a right jobsworth.

Beryl.

She had a face that could have won her first prize.

In the bull dog category.

“Two breakfasts please”.

“It’s twenty five to”

“Pardon”

“It’s twenty five to”

“Sorry Beryl I don’t speak idiot can you translate that for me.

“No breakfast after half past “

“Aww Beryl we’ve been queuing for ages”

“Doesn’t matter it’s after half past and we’re on with doing t’dinner”

“Well you still have all the breakfast food on display can’t we have that?”

“You want brunch then?”

“What’s the difference?”

“It’s a pound more yer get chips but no fried egg. I don’t fry eggs after half past”.

We settled for the brunch, queued to pay and I forgot to swipe the soddin loyalty card.

We found a cleanish table and settled down to our brunch.

There was a big family opposite us whose table manners would have given vultures a bad name.

Now my Al doesn’t like sausage and he often slips me his surreptitiously.

I only like bacon I have bought and cooked myself. I often covertly slide it on to Al’s plate.

This lot were firing food across the table at one another.

We left most of it.

Picking our way through the remainder of Pinky and Perky that was disseminated all over the floor we went on to the main shop.

This was the “big shop” I wanted 40 kilos of plain flour and there wasn’t enough on the shelves.

Peas and beans came next. Then I bought loads of pop.

We needed four trolleys.

I must explain we haven’t got twenty kids or anything it’s stuff we normally get delivered for work.

All in all I think we earned about ten bob towards the upgraded seats.
I had to give in.

My mistake it started out as a great idea.

Al wasn’t happy he missed Ford Super Sunday.

Tough, if he wanted a stable relationship he should have married Red Rum.

18th December

I have sent an e mail to Alamo.

I really, really want a man’s voice on the Sat Nav.

There is something really irritating about a woman’s voice on a Sat Nav.

Plus I think she will get on Al’s nerves too.

So I am e mailing Alamo I want a man with a voice like Thierry Henry if Thierry Henry isn’t available I will make do with David Ginola.

To be honest I have never even seen a Sat Nav close up. For all I know it might have voice selector on it.

It’s the week before Christmas and I have pretty much sorted a plan.
I have now booked the first two nights

The Stratosphere

I know !

It’s in a crap area, but we have done the strip bit and all that.

One of the bits we didn’t do was the Stratosphere.

Rewind to the (101 Palpitations trip) Al got a bad stomach that day and had to have an emergency stop in the Riviera restrooms. (Trap 4 it’s probably still closed for refurb).

We didn’t get as far as the Stratosphere.

We have got the Strat for £90 for 2 rooms for 2 nights and we get to go free up the tower.

Plus we are going to the Pawn Shop.

I really want to meet Chum Lee.

I think he’s lovely.

I want to be his mam.

Then there’s that Rick’s Restoration.

Al has a really unhealthy obsession with Rick.

So we figured on the first night we would probably just crash

Next day, check out Chum Lee and Rick.

The chuckle brothers Al and Al will probably go on the rides at the top of the tower.

We won’t go out at night so it really doesn’t matter if we are in a dodgy area.

Onto the next part of our trip

Vegas to Death Valley

I have been warned by Meemee . (Some of you will have met Meemee in my Orlando trippies)

I must not venture there.

Apparently hundreds of people have ventured there and just vanished.

We are sticking to the main route and hopefully Thierry will guide us through safely.

We are planning to pass through the Death Valley (with little stop offs) and get to Mammoth lakes. (Thank you Mrs Boocup and Chelsey Leigh).

I have booked the Motel 6 (cheap and cheerful) even so because it is in Mammoth Lakes it has cost twice as much as the Stratosphere.

Up early the next morning and travel through the Yosemite.

We will do stop offs only.
(Thank you Mrs Boocup)

We’re not hikers or climbers (Dick and Dom don’t do hiking) so we figure a drive through all day will suit.

We were going to stop off in Oakhurst but reading Chelsey Leigh I was a bit put off.

We want to make it to the Lamp Liter in Visalia.

This is another cheap and cheerful but it has a bar and grill so we won’t have to venture far for dinner.

Plus it has rave reviews for breakfast.

Get this!
It is only 60 quid for two rooms.
This is also near the Sequoia National Forest.
Now depending on how we feel the next day,
We may be a bit “treed out” after the Yosemite.
We may have a lazy breakfast and a swim.

Then make our way to Morro Bay 2 hours away or we may go do a bit of “tree hugging” in the Sequoia.

We then make our way to LA.

I have booked the Quality Inn Holly wood I want to be near the Chinese theatre where you can do tour bookings from. (Thank you Mrs Lumpy).
We will spend the next two days not knowing what we are doing but at least we will have a bed and the car will have a free bed too.
Sunday we are back on familiar territory in the afternoon we will make our way back to Vegas.
However we are going to repeat something we did last time and have a stop off in Barstow.
Last time we were in Barstow we went to Mollies pub and treated the locals to a rendition of the Birdie song and Agadoo but sadly had to cut the gig short because we really needed to eat and we were leaving early the next morning,
Mollies were really keen for a repeat performance.
So we may tie one on, or if not we will get up early and visit Calico ghost town.
If Molly is still there and I do get the Hells Angels to do the Conga down Main Street I will get you a picture.

I am going to have to leave booking the villa until after Christmas.
The family are going to Cyprus for Christmas and the New Year we are taking old Meemee with us.

I don’t like spending Christmas and New Year at home.

All that Happy New Year, kissing and stuff.

Kissing under the mistletoe?

I wouldn’t kiss the folk I know under anaesthetic! .

Bingo winnings for December 580.00

6th January
Captains Log

No time for greed and sloth today.

It is now time to get on the phone and apply the Travel City Direct vouchers to my invoice.

I didn’t do it at the time of booking because I had the feeling they are not to be used in conjunction with any other offer.

Booking on the internet I would have lost the £300 internet booking fee,

Before I accepted the offer from TCD I did argue that vouchers were pretty worthless as usually they are not to be used in conjunction with any other offer.

I was assured by my adversary at TCD Ms’ Haversham (names changed to protect the guilty) that this wasn’t so. I could use the vouchers to reduce the balance of the booking

The vouchers she finally sent me were Virgin vouchers and they did say to be used at the time of the booking.

I got Dave on the phone.

I have a feeling Dave was in Mumbai or somewhere and he didn’t have a clue what I was on about.

These are Virgin vouchers and this is a TCD holiday according to Dave I cannot use them.

I tried to explain that these vouchers were issued to me by TCD.

Space can be a very dangerous place especially when it’s between the ears.

Perhaps I could ring on Monday and ask for accounts they would be open.

DE JA MOO

8th January

Captain’s log

I telephoned accounts.

After 3 hours of selecting various numbers, getting transferred to the wrong department, getting cut off and speaking to the Informationally deprived.

I finally got Ray.

Ray understood my problem but I would have to put the problem in writing and post the vouchers back to TCD.

I penned Miss Haversham a really, really sweet letter and sent it special delivery.

Always be sincere even if you don’t mean it.

15th January

Miss Haversham has come through and my invoice has been reduced as a “goodwill gesture”.

I really didn’t want Miss Haversham to know anything about my booking especially the reference number.

Miss Haversham and I have been going at it toe to toe since last April and there is definitely no love lost.

I’m laying an egg in case she marks my card in some way.
I am having nightmares about border guards and latex gloves.

I can now pay Jilly, Willy and Meemee out for the last holiday.

18th January

I sent for details on a very nice villa in Vegas.

The agreement came in the form of the Ten Commandments.

There was a lot more than ten but this a sampler.

Thou shall not use the pool and back yard outside the hours of 9.00 am and 9.00 pm.

No early morning swim or late night Jacuzzi for us then.

Thou shalt not make a noise if for any reason the neighbours complain there will be a two thousand dollar fine without exception.

I reckon this bloke is a couple of togas short of an orgy.

Small wonder he had plenty of availability.

I didn’t even grace him with a reply.

Actually that’s a bit of an untruth.

After a particularly heavy night on a very nice Medoc and coffee mate I did perhaps question his rental agreement.

I think I also advised him to grab his ears and pull his head out of his back side.

I can’t find the e mail so hopefully I did it wrong and its floating about in cyber space somewhere.

21st January

I have now found the most gorgeous villa.
It’s very pricey but we are spending a week there and will have done a week of cheap and cheerful so we feel we will need a bit of luxury.
The others keep asking me exactly how much it is but I am sort of skirting the issue.

I am crossing my fingers that the dollar doesn’t drop otherwise I might be one dead dibber.

The owner is called Jean Paul. Anybody with a name like Jean Paul is not going to own a tacky villa. I just know Jean Paul is going to be drop dead gorgeous and possibly gay. I say this because the attention to detail in this villa is second to none. I’m not insulting any gay chaps out there quite the opposite no ordinary bloke has set up this villa.

I have now paid a substantial deposit.

I have received in depth details once again Jean Paul is so tuned in.

Even down to advising that he has problems with his dish washer and how one should never buy a Galaxy dishwasher.

He doesn’t want us to wash any of his towels. I totally agree with him. Some people just don’t know how to wash and shove everything on the same load. Especially men.

Jean Paul really knows his stuff.

(If he is gay I really want to be his bezzy mate).

I am now down to planning our second week

Winnings for January 230.00


March 1st Captains log

Where did February go?

Well I’ve been busier than a one legged river dancer and February has just disappeared.

The February winnings were 350.00

I have done nothing, no planning, nothing.

It’s a good job we are in winning mode because the dollar has dropped.

I’ll keep you posted



March 30th

Captain’s log

A Big Thank you for all of your replies.

Well where was I?

I read this trippie back and it struck me we didn’t have a bed for Thursday.

How did I miss that?

It’s a good job I did this trippie because we would have got there and had to camp in the car on Thursday.

We log out of the Lampliter on Wednesday and don’t log into LA until Friday.

A dilemma!

Do we log into LA for an extra day?

We are not doing Disney or Universal.

I like Florida, so it would feel a bit unfaithful if I went to the California one.

Do we need more than a long week end in LA?

I checked the prices for an extra day in LA it was going to be an extra $300 for the same “not brilliant hotel”. (I don’t think so).

At this point I must say none of us are that bothered about LA.

We are only going to there to experience it if you understand that.

I have read all the trippies and apart from the Disney and Universal bit nobody really raves about LA.

Knotty is keen to see the sea he doesn’t feel he has been on holiday unless he sees the sea.

I booked the La Serena hotel in Morro Bay haven’t got a clue what we are going to do there.

It looks pleasant but it hasn’t got a pool and its £95.00 a night per room.

For that we get a balcony and the most delightful view of a massive rock in the sea.

I did mention the Hearst castle to the others but they all looked at me as if I had sniffing the coffee mate again.

Not being Dibbers they haven’t seen what I’ve seen in Tink Tattoos trip reports, they’ll come round to my way of thinking. They know it makes sense.

As for the bingo? .

Well!

March 4th we won nothing

March 11th we won nothing.

March 18th. Won £100.00

The dollars was dropping and I was really panicking about Jean Pauls Villa.

No matter what.

I intend to stay in that villa.

I’ll just have to tweak the food budget.

Beans for breakfast, water for lunch and just hope they have swelled up in our bellies by tea time.

I could also stick a few trips to the KFC on the plan in the hope that some kind hearted soul lets us lick his fingers.

It was the Knotties 40th wedding anniversary and they went on a Med Cruise.

March 25th came I really didn’t want to go to the bingo without Christine but I made the effort because she goes without me. There are other friends that go but me and Christine only share with each other.

Anyway I’m glad I went because I won £1040.00.

My knicker leg was bulging!

I was absolutely ecstatic! .

I very nearly got a round in.

The others were mystified that I would be still pooling the money in the holiday fund even though Christine wasn’t there.

That’s the agreement we share regardless.

I now know the villa with the waterfall, Galaxy dish washer and (unwashed by idiots) luxury towels is secure.

Plus I can pay the extra for a waterman (pretty much same as a milkman in England).

We could probably get the water from Wal-Mart but it saves having to go for it, lug it and recycle the bottles, this is all done by the waterman.

I still haven’t done anything about our second week in Vegas. I have found out that there is a golf course a three minute drive from the villa. (That’s the chuckle brothers sorted).

I know Al wants to go back to the Hoover Dam and do the in depth tour. I suppose we’ll have to go along with it but honestly looking at pipes and machinery doesn’t really float my boat but you can’t get your own way all the time.

I have also read everybody’s trippie to pick up on stuff we didn’t do last time we went to Vegas.

There’s a fine line between hobby and mental illness.


April 30th


Captains Log


Once again April was horrendously busy.

The only breather I had was an obscene phone call one Saturday night.

I had already consumed the best part of a very agreeable Shiraz so he got as good as he gave. (Put it this way he hung up first).

I did ask him to call same time next week but regrettably I haven’t heard from him.

To top it all the 20/4/,

I had to make my way to a wedding in a place somewhere down South in a place called Coulsdon.

It took up my entire week end.

Then there was all the other stuff.

We have had a bad winter and I have been in jeans and Uggs since we came back from Cyprus.

I lost a whole week prepping my body for public viewing and photographing.

All that and I was only called for two photos.

Anyway back to the bingo.

We didn’t go on April 1 it was Easter Monday.

8/4 we won about forty quid nothing to write home about.

(Our stake money is £20.00 plus a £1.00 for the Flower Power. We don’t deduct it)

15/4 we won £140.00 on the Flower Power.

22/4 Nothing

29/4 JACKPOT Christine won £1050.00.

I immediately called another meeting to discuss upgraded seats.

OUT VOTED AGAIN! .

My Al sat on the fence that long he went home with splinters in his arrrs.

However we did all agree.

Each person could have $100 dollars to gamble with.

Then they all agreed that I couldn’t hold the kitty.

Apparently it’s because I have a habit of giving it to the pharmaceutically gifted and the urban outdoorsmen.

Know what?

I’m going to find a bingo hall in Vegas and if I win I’m coming home on an upgraded flight and I'm going to treat all the Urban outdoorsmen to a big bag of Werthers Originals and a bottle of pop.

That’s March and April taken care of I’ll keep you posted.





LAST POST


Captain’s log

We are now mostly paid up.

Apart from the odd hotel.

I’ve ditched the Quality Inn in Hollywood.

According to a lot of “mardi rrses” on Trip Advisor it is undergoing major renovation and has been for the last three months.

Nothing wrong with the rooms etc. but apparently there is builder’s debris in the swimming pool.

Nobody has actually said what this debris consists of.

Now if I was in Britain it wouldn’t bother me.

I’ve looked in a couple of builders’ skips, the odd brick a few lumps of wood and ten thousand tea bags.

Great it would be like swimming in a giant tea pot.

Plus the way the Brit builder always manages to display a small amount of cleavage fascinates me.

I don’t think American builders will be the same.

I was worried in case the debris was gobfuls of chewed baccy.

I had to book another motel I can’t remember the name and Christine’s got the paperwork.

I know it’s near the tube so we will be able to get to the Chinese theatre where the tours are booked from.

At one of our meetings we decided to upgrade the car to a full size SUV.

Extra cost £172.63 not bad.

I’ve settled up with Jean Paul and we keep sending each other delightful, little e mails.

Jean Paul’s house is on Warm Springs Road near a golf course called crazy horse or wild horse.

I know there is a horse in the title.

It is also near a casino called South Point.

I picked up from Daytona’s trippie that the food is ok in there too.

Plus they play bingo so me and Christine are going to have a go when Dumb and Dumber go play golf.

I’m honestly gutted.

I probably won’t meet Jean Paul he lives in San Diego.

Al reckons he is probably about 70 with a bad comb over.

Jealous men poison their own dinner then eat it.

I feel sorry for Jean Paul and really feel his pain.

He is really hormonal at the moment because some cretin has prepped food on his granite work top without using a chopping board.

I’m happy to report that it wasn’t a British cretin.

Consequently instead of a security deposit there is an insurance policy in force.

Jean Paul hasn’t charged me for it but I have a feeling new tenants will have to pay $50.00 dollars extra.

Plus his latest set of emails doesn’t mention the waterman.

I hope he hasn’t sacked the waterman to pay for the policy.

I don’t have a milkman anymore and I was really looking forward to hearing the waterman jangling his jugs every morning,

The policy is good it also covers illness and death.
Even suicide!

What’s all that about?

I wonder if it’s common in Vegas.

People come for a last blow out lose all their money and then bump.

Mindst you it might be me or Al after listening to Christine rabbit on nonstop for a fortnight.

I’ve warned Al if he feels the urge make sure he does it in the villa.

If I’m going to be a tad sad I might as well be a tad sad and rich.

I’ve now decided we are going to the Ronald Reagan library in LA courtesy of Wiley Coyote’s trippie.

To make it sound more exciting I have told the others it’s called the Air force One museum

As for the bingo.

May 6th we didn’t go due to bereavement.

May 13th we didn’t go because the funeral was on that day.

May 20th we won nothing

May 27th we won nothing

June and July. We won something every week but I didn’t note it.

We have so far spent 6500 on the holiday plus changed 3500 into dollars to spend. We started off with 7000 in the bank and we still have 2500 in the bank so I estimate since November when it was booked we have won about 5500.

I never did get my upgrade even though there is enough in the bank to cover it.

The others consider that the extra 1200 will pay for 4 flights to Portugal.

I’ve done the packing and the paperwork is ready.

There are a few days to go so I suppose I will have to have a bit of a tidy up.

I won’t go to overboard though because apparently housework if done properly can actually kill you.

[Guest]

Sounds great cant wait for your trip report

[rummy63]

Originally Posted by jillywilly

Sounds great cant wait for your trip report

See more...

And I cant wait for yours!

Get our Willy to do it for you!

[Guest]

Just spent the weekend reading all your trip reports. Absolutely hilarious and had me laughing out aloud. Love your style of writing and very much looking forward to reading this trip report

[KarenG]

I am sat here crying with laughter - BRILLIANT!

[ILoveDaveLamb]

Looking forward to hearing about your exploits. Good luck at the Bingo! You do make me laugh. X

[Guest]

Originally Posted by rummy63

And I cant wait for yours!

Get our Willy to do it for you!

See more...

Not sure if we will do one but will make notes just in case

[Pussycat Doll]

Love love love it, can't wait for the report after your hols, Pussycat

[Helen0705]

Brilliant ! So funny - looking forward to reading all about your trip.

[llamala]

omg can't wait you are my fav trippie writer, I just stumbled on this per trip report so pleaded I did.