101 Palpitations The Return Sept 2013

[rummy63]

Travel day

26/8/2013

I swear I did not sleep.

Eventually I got up at 4.00a.m and watched TV.

It was all about people that had been murdered in the Yosemite.

Then I watched the world news about the Yosemite being on fire.

Actually the Yosemite features in my trip.

We set off at 7.00 a.m. picked up Knotty and Christine on the way.

Christine was quite lively...

The middle of my sentence was constantly interrupting the beginning of hers.

Anyway I decided I was not going to be a mardi ass at all on this holiday, I was not going to moan and I was not going to argue with anybody. I was going to be courteous and charming at all times.

I am testing this new technique if I start to get mardi I nip the skin on the back of my hand and remind myself to stay happy and calm.

Erm

Well there were a few minor glitches.

A brush with an LA Bus driver.

A small incident with a Neo Nazi security guard at Hearst Castle.

An ever so slight disagreement with a woman at Hearst Castle.

A perfectly justified dispute in Shawn’s on Morro Bay.

A slight altercation with Danny in Walmart.

Oh yes and an absolute stonker with a tour guide on Starline express.

Anyway back to me being courteous and charming at all times.

There were no problems circumnavigating the car over the mountains to Manchester.

We were there within an hour.

Parking?

Not a problem.

We did the new Manchester meet and greet.

They were ultra-efficient and courteous all for the princely sum of£59.95

We headed for the Virgin desk; before we got there we were greeted by a very pleasant Virgin rep flogging extra leg room seats.

I really wish that the Virgin Staff would not wear that shocking, bright, red lipstick (and that’s only the men).

Anyway we bought the seats for £160.00

Trouble was they turned out to be over the wing and near the toilets.

NIP NIP NIP

Never mind I love to sit watching a plane wing for 12 hours and absolutely adore the smell of urine. To actually pay £160.00 for the privilege.

Well!

NIP NIP NIP

Life just couldn't get any better.

Security was an absolute breeze.

Once all the official stuff was done the hunger kicked in.

The Real Food Company?

Nah I’m not really partial to glow in the dark bacon.

Frankie and Benny’s?

Nah I had an out of money experience in there.

I think it’s a tad overpriced for what it actually is.

We settled on Burgher King it was edible and three dimensional.

Plus they make the best cup of tea in the world.

Time for a browse around the shops and then we were boarding.



We were all boarded and seated by 12.20pm but the plane didn’t move.

Umm what’s the holdup?

The stewardesses were talking.

One of them said that she was waiting for further instruction from the captain.

She then indicated with her thumb and forefinger, “He is that close to being offed”.

Who?

I sensed scandal and hoped she wasn’t talking about the captain.

Anyway we taxied and I fell asleep, I awoke an hour later expecting to be in the air, no, we were in a queue at the end of the runway.

We finally took off an hour late

The seat belt sign went off and the one who I presume the stewardesses had been talking about made an appearance.

He was hammered; he staggered into the loo and spent about 30 minutes in there.

(A passenger not the captain)

Eventually he came out and I noted he had left the equivalent of Lake Mead on the floor. That meant one toilet was out of action for the entire flight.

Anyway the first meal was chicken Korma.

Yes chicken bloody Korma.

The alternative was sausages and mash.

Bring me the head of the catering manager.

What moron decided that on a plane load of people more than 50% would opt for chicken Korma?

I know we are a nation of curry lovers but that is after copious amounts of lager.

Everybody knows the most popular curry is tikka masala.

I just hoped they didn’t run out of sausages before they got to the hammered one further up the plane.

Can you imagine the state of Lake Mead if he had the korma?

It would be more like the Yellow Brick Road.

I had the sausages and mash. It tasted ok.

Now I know I said I wouldn’t moan but is it me or have the meals on the Virgin flights got even smaller?

Stuart Little would have had trouble filling up on that.

The second meal was a bit pongy.

I opened the box and quickly closed it I think there may have been a very small cheese sandwich in there or some kind of fungal growth.

I spent the next twenty minutes drawing little toxic poison symbols on the box before I passed it back to a bemused looking steward.

Fortunately we had brought our own food.

At one point I think a hot sausage roll arrived sorry but that was yuck as well.

I’m not at all a fussy eater and am quite partial to the odd sausage roll.

That was not a sausage in that roll.

It was a tube of animal intestine stuffed with toe nails that had been oven roasted in ear wax.

The drinks?

Well I’m sorry I’m being mardi again. I ordered vodka, diet coke. The coke was fine in a little authentic coke tin.
Then I clocked the cheap nasty vodka.

An infusion of meths and potato peelings distilled in the finest Moscow sewers.

She had already poured it but I gave her it back. I couldn’t spoil a perfectly good coke.

Eventually we landed at about 2.45pm.

Immigration was fine but our officer was a bit of a misery.

Other passengers got happy smiling officers ours had a face like a dropped pie.

We made our way to the baggage area I saw the hammered one. He was looking seriously contrite.

His eyes were bulging and red I bet he was nursing a massive hangover.

I really hope he didn’t belong to a Dibber.

I observed his partner.

They say a picture paints a thousand words and that woman’s face said it all.

She was livid.

Customs took a while to clear there was a crowd the size of Old Trafford all trying to get through two customs gates.

A bus arrived to take us to the Alamo.

The bus driver was amusing enough.

I heard the words Welcome to Vegas when we got on and something about gratuities when we got off.

What was said in between I don’t know because the engine was deafening.

The paperwork at Alamo took about ten minutes then we were off to choose the car.

We settled on a huge white Toyota Sequoia.

Apart from me needing a leg up it was absolutely divine.




I'm the little pasty fat one and Christine is the tanned svelte one.


Knotty programmed the Sat Nav and we were on our way.

Aww I was gutted, it was a woman’s voice on the sat nav no Thierry Henry, no David Ginola.

She was already recalculating and sounded just like my old head mistress Miss Pickles.

Miss Pickles wanted to send us on the motorway but Al just headed for the strip so we spent most of the journey listening to Miss Pickles recalculating.

It didn’t really matter because if there is one hotel that can be viewed from anywhere in Vegas it’s the Stratosphere.

We drove down the strip, man it was busy.

On arriving at the Stratosphere “Old tight rrrs” (my Al) bypassed the valet parking and straight into the car park.

We parked on the third storey. There was a bit of a bridge and an arrow saying casino. I said perhaps we should use the bridge.

No the chuckle brothers knew best and headed for the lifts.

(I was right we should have used the bridge)

Nip Nip NIP
Now having read how dodgy the area around the Strat is I did say one hint of urine in the lift and I would be slam dancing to the beat of a very irate drummer.

No the lift was clean no graffiti no urine.

Check in was brief and easy we found our way on the 21st floor.
Al likes to be high up we weren’t facing the strip but we were only there for two nights.

We had a quick shower and change and met in Starbucks, two pints of coffee later we went to find the buffet.
Noooo

It’s closed for a week.

We bobbed into Roxy’s Diner but didn’t really fancy anything really heavy.

We went outside and it wasn’t intimidating at all.

I expected the place to be full of gypsies, tramps and thieves but no it was quite conventional.

Not one person had two heads.

We called in to the casino next door the beer was two dollars for 20 oz. and surprisingly agreeable.

Now I stopped being a Saga Lout about two years ago so was surprised how easily it went down.

We sank quite a few and all thoughts of tiredness and hunger were quickly dispelled.




Sorry its a bit blurred but I'm sure you get the picture.

A couple of hours later we ordered four chicken chow mien’s from the snack bar next door. I don’t know if it was the beer or the hunger but they tasted surprisingly good.

Once the food hit we really had to give in it was 10pm that made it 6.00am BST and my eyeballs felt as though somebody had trampled all over them.


Bed time.

[Pussycat Doll]

Brilliant! You guys did well to last till 10.00, when we go to Vegas I can't usually get past 7.00! Can't wait to read more, Pussycat

[KarenG]

Your trip reports are so funny! More please!

[llamala]

Yeah been checking for your trippie,a great start,DD stayed at the Strat and did the ride at the top at midnight said scary but great.

[Helen0705]

Fab - loving it already 😄
"Face like a dropped pie " - brilliant !

[Twentyyears]

Lovin' your trippie style, more please!

[abiknox]

Excellent start! I have loved your previous trippy so I'm looking forward to the rest of this one! Loved the explanation of the sausage roll, it bought back memories!

[letty]

An absolute gem of a read... your writing style is fantastic .
I actually laughed aloud at the sausage roll description.
Having just been at the Stratosphere 2 weeks ago ( kids loved the view) its great to read about .

[Luke Jaywalker]

That gives me great confidence for our visit to Yosemite next summer, but from what I hear about the food court those deaths are probably down to food poisoning .

[k4ti3-x]

just this this day and your pre-trip and having been killing myself laughing! particularly liked your tesco story and the lake mead man!
looking forward to reading more! :P