"Uncle Joe's Minty Baubles" - DLP Dec 2010 - PreTrip

[JamelUK]

WARNING!

The following Trip Report is a rambling reflection on life and the little challenges it presents us, laid out in a Carry On Innuendo style that some have found inappropriate or offensive.

IF YOU DONT FIND OBSERVATIONAL SATIRE FUNNY
PLEASE LOOK AWAY NOW!

For everyone else with a sense of humour, please pull up a chair & make yourself comfortable. Please be advised that this is my Trippie and any opinions expressed are purely my own and are not neccesarily the views of either the DIBB or the DIBBcast.

See more...

Welcome to my latest Trippie which, for legal reasons, I am obliged to point out will NOT change your life but might make a significant impact on the way you subsequently conduct your daily affairs.

So this is Christmas, I hope you have fun.


That’s how the song goes. Christmas is, once again, upon us.

Well actually it’s not. Well not quite anyway.

As I type this, we are still in November so, call me Scrooge if you will (I’ve been called worse), but it’s not yet quite Christmas.

No, Christmas starts with advent. And in my book that starts December 1st.


There now follows a brief recap of the Christmas Story:

3 wise men looked up into the night sky...


...and spotted a really bright star.

"The Star is our Master..."

So they decided to follow it.

Yup, really wise.
Wearing as much bling as money will afford along with a pointy hat doesn’t make you any more intelligent than any other man.

Let’s face it - this was back in the days before SatNavs or proper maps.
They had no idea what it was, what it meant or where they were going.
Some might call them explorer's others may just call them stupid.
Clearly uneducated – it’s abundantly apparent none of them had ever read War Of The Worlds.


Eventually they turned up at a stable, for there was no room left in any of the inns.


It was Christmas after all, and you know if you don’t book weeks in advance you've no chance.
Don’t forget that there was no Shelter, benefits or the Council House for life back then.

The 3 "wise" men came bearing gifts of Gold, Frankincense and Myyyyyyrrrrrrrrhhhhh.


We're still not quite certain what the Myyyyyyyyyyrrrrrrrhhhh was.

Personally, I think it was a typo. It should have been "Gold, Frankincense and MORE"
Be honest. After you've been given a pile of Gold, spent a happy afternoon getting stoned on the Frankincense, you're not really going to be too bothered or in a fit state of mind to keep accurate notes about the rest are you?

Father Christmas was added to the story later on, thanks to the charitable and neighbourly exploits of St. Nicholas of Myra or, as he would later be more affectionately known, St. Nick.


What a good job he wasn't called Richard - especially as far as the Beach Boys are concerned.

[JamelUK]

As if anyone gives a flying firkin for any of the real tradition any more.

Nope, now we all know what happens.

We get Halloween and Bonfire out of the way and then the world's population of normally sane, rational human beings all go a bit David Ike as they realise they only have 45 days, 3 orbits of Saturn's moon Titan, 28 changes of underwear, 706.5 orbits of the International Space Station, or 97 repeats of Come Dine With Me on Dave before Christmas.

Christmas is now a multi billion pound commercial venture, and every year we get sucked deeper into its tight grip.


For weeks now the shops have been jam packed with seasonal fare which of course everyone must stock up on because for some reason, still unclear to me, it is traditional to consume 3 times your own body weight in food over the 12 days of Christmas. Somewhere along the way I’m fairly certain Nostradamus may have interfered with the Christmas tale a little.


Amongst the multitude of cocoa inspired treats on offer are those wonderful selection boxes - specially designed to have kids feeling sick several hours before Christmas lunch is due on the table and with the grateful support of the British Dental Society.

I spotted the other day that Cadbury's are still including Fudge amongst them.


A wonderful reminder of when you could afford to buy chocolate for as little as 10p.

Although, as a result of censorship and political correctness, it’s a shame they can’t still use the original jingle.

"A finger of fudge is just enough to give your kids a treat"
- More than just a little suggestive don't you think?

"It's full of Cadbury goodness..."
- Filth. Just pure filth.

"...and very small and neat"
- Just WRONG. Stop. That’s it. Enough. We can't use it. They'll be letters...

And you thought the Werther's ad with the kid sat sucking his "Granddad’s special treat" was bad.

Of course, outside the supermarket, every shopping centre across the land is wall to wall people, all bustling to buy Christmas gifts for their nearest & dearest, as well as for some guy called Joe from accounts whose name you pulled out of the Secret Santa hat.


Amongst them somewhere will be Mr. Hilton. The 72 year old grandfather who has been deemed by various Criminal Records Bureau checks to be perfectly within his rights to sit in his garden shed, wear a red romper suit & a silly beard and invite little boys and girls to sit on his lap.

All goes swimmingly well until “little” Charlene turns up.
A glowing example of the nutritionally balanced diet many of our young folk are enjoying these days.
What she really needs for Christmas is a gastric band, so now Father Christmas needs a hip replacement.

[JamelUK]

If you are struggling for your own gift ideas, here are some I’ve spotted which may help.

For starters, I’m led to believe that one of this year's top Christmas gifts is the Micro Pig.


Yup - that's right. It's a tiny miniature pig. Paris Hilton has one, so of course they must be [/I]the[/I] essential accessory for every girl.


But remember kids - a pig is for life, not just for Christmas.


I’m struggling with this one. How exactly is a pig an ideal Christmas gift?
"Here you are my darling. I thought of you and bought you... a pig"

And it'd be a nightmare to wrap.
"Stay still yer little bar... " - that's going to need more than one roll of sellotape.

I've also checked out the shopping channels to see what delights they have on offer for us this year.

A - MAZE - ING!

From the entrepreneurial genius which bought you the "Slanket" - the blanket that has sleeves - I bring you...

The Quishion!


No. That’s not a joke viral video. It is real. Thats right – it’s a Quilt that folds into a Cushion. Is there no end to their ingenuity?
I’m just waiting now for the Cravat which doubles as a Cap.

Over at Play.Com I spotted this...
Microwaveable Cat


"Dear RSPCA..."
Yes folks, pop this into the microwave and you are just two minutes away from a warm, fluffy kitty which, and I quote, will help to "soothe, comfort and relax!"

This space has been left intentionally blank so that you may insert your own Mrs. Slocombe inspired gag

While there, why not consider a musical gift.

Although why anyone would buy anything by Mumford & Sons I’m still not sure.



Maybe I’m getting old, but what on earth is that all about. It's like someone's remixed The Spinners.

It’s not half as bad as the Black Eyed Peas efforts though. It’s a diabolical travesty. There should be laws against this kind of thing.


Here are some other gift ideas, in no particular order.

[JamelUK]

As for me - what do I want for Christmas?

Well, nothing much really. Only a couple of things. No biggy.

For starters, I’d love an Aston Martin DB9.


It is possibly the most beautiful car in the world.

I’m not overly fussy about the colour. I’d prefer black, but as long as it’s not canary yellow. Or pink. Or bright red. Or any pastel colour...
Actually - stick with black.

I'd also like Katy Perry.


Meeeee - and oh yes indeedy - Owwwwwwww!

This space has been left intentionally blank for you to insert your own Mrs. Slocombe inspired gag

Ideally, Id have the DB9 with Katy sitting in the passenger seat.

It’s true that she is married now, and so technically off limits.

But what's Russell Brand got that I haven't?


Okay - significantly more hair, I’ll give you that, but who wants to look like an Alpaca all the time?


Yes alright, so granted he does have the money to buy the Aston Martin, but I’ve got a 7 year old diesel Citroen Xsara.


I know for a fact that Citroen never made these for the American market, so she'll have never seen one of these beauty's before.
I’d give her a ride to remember.

Alright, alright - so sure Russell has a growing Hollywood career. But the DIBBcast XTRA is gaining more popularity by the day and I’m sure that phone call from Tim Burton is just around the corner.


Sadly, even with the extraordinary amount of money the NHS pay her for fiddling with a calculator occasionally, Mel assures me the budget can't stretch to the Aston Martin. The Katy Perry suggestion hasn't been received with glowing enthusiasm either.

So what else could we do for Christmas?

How about a trip to Disney! :

[JamelUK]

Those who have followed our previous adventures will know that since our Honeymoon back in November 2004 Mel and I have returned to WDW to celebrate our anniversary in the only way two big Disney fanatical kids can do.

We were all set to do the same this year. We'd pretty much had it all booked in and planned since returning from our '09 Orlando Trip.

But you'll remember that I was one of the millions of unemployed last year. We'd put the deposit down on the basis that someone, somewhere would have given me a job by the time we needed to pay our balance.

Earlier this year we had to live with the sad reality that Orlando was off. We were living off bread and water, there was no sign of any job and we had some other priorities that needed us to dig into any remaining savings we had.

A couple more months of gloom passed and somehow, between the arguments and my muddled, bipolar brain we got through it.


And in late September I finally landed a new job. Hoorah!

Now I could spend a couple of paragraphs explaining exactly what it is I now do for money.

But to be honest, every time I’ve started to explain it in detail to anyone their eyes have glazed over and I quickly lose their interest. I’ll admit that even as I try to understand all of it myself I find myself drifting in and out of consciousness.

I’m a Training Consultant for a company that deals in Product Brand Management. See, I told you.

What that basically means is that we have a bunch of talented individuals who look after the entire end to end creative & design process from someone deciding they are going to create a new fruit flavoured fizzy drink called "Kevin", to actually putting the can on a shelf in a shop. From the ingredients, to naming, to design, to production - the works.

I can't name names but we do this an awful lot for one of the big high street supermarkets. Again no clues, but they're bright green and their head office is in Leeds.

To make the whole thing easier we designed a computer system which tracks and facilitates the whole thing electronically. And my job is to show people how to use it.


I now look at food packaging in a completely different way.
Think about the plastic wrap which surrounds your Twix that you just tear open and throw in the bin. You would not believe the insane amount of man hours, let alone money that went into that.

And don't get me started on anything which contains nuts, wheat, gluten or any other allergen.


Anyhow - still with me?

Well that’s all going amazingly well, and I love it. It pays good money too.

So it seems only fair that I should use some of it to say a big thank you to my lovely wife Melanie.

She managed to use her amazing bean-counting skills to keep us with a roof over our heads and food in the cupboards for the majority of the time I wasn't working. And for that I owe her an enormous amount. She even put up with my mood swings and numerous periods of self pity and low self esteem.

Our latest row was the usual annual disagreement over the Christmas tree.

I get frustrated that Mel cannot seem to understand why I fail to understand why she struggles to understand that completely rearranging all the furniture in our living room just so she can install a 7ft Christmas tree for 12 days of the year is an issue. Go figure.

I think I’ve found a solution though...


Wanting to thank Mel for her hard work and to give her a much needed break at the end of a rubbish year, I used the knowledge and tricks I usually share with everyone over on the DLP Forums and pulled together a great and cheap deal for a Christmas trip to Disneyland Paris.

We celebrated our wedding anniversary yesterday, and next weekend we will be heading to Sequoia Lodge for a week enjoying the magic experience that DLP offers at this time of year.


I have to tell you all that I feel overwhelmingly underprepared.

As CM for the DLP Forums I’m often giving words of advice and guidance to everybody else on how best to go about planning their trip.

To date we have done very little ourselves.


Some may argue that this is standard tradition for a JamelUK trip, and there is some weight to that. Leaving everything to the 12th hour is a situation Mel and I often find ourselves in and we seem to thrive on it.

But in reality we're both quite busy at work at the moment and, arriving home in the evening shattered, the idea of washing, ironing and packing isn’t my idea of relaxation.

The beauty of Disneyland Paris, especially once you know it as well as we do after 11 prior trips, is that you don’t actually need to plan things to the minute detail.

There isn’t much need to book any of the restaurants months and months in advance. Generally you can get away with booking through concierge on the day. In addition Mel and I know our way around the two Parisian parks so well that we don't need a step by step guide.

So our plan for this trip - is not to have a plan.


I know, I know! But trust me, all is good.

We're going to relax and unwind. There is a bit of a plan tucked up inside my head, but there is no need to laminate anything for this trip.

One thing however that NO JamelUk trip can ever be without though has been the cause of much frustration and exasperation for the last few days.

We couldn't find any anywhere.

Every local supermarket was searched regularly for a whole week, but alas nothing. We feared a national shortage and possibly the end of the world as we know it.

Mel was starting to hyperventilate and I feared we would need to make that special trip to Wigan.

Thankfully however, ASDA in Bolton turned up trumps yesterday.

And so we have pretty much all we need.

Each other, and a tub of these...


Stay tuned - it's going to be a good Trippie and I’ll do my best to post it as soon as we get back!



>>>>> PART 1 = THE BIG BANG >>>>>

[Hels80]

Have a wonderful time!

[Guest]

Brilliant pre-trip report! Had me LOL

[julie42]

Firstly...I love Mumford and Sons
Secondly...you young man are head and shoulders above Russell Brand...he makes me want to vomit more than the 12 bottles of Budweiser I had last night
And lastly...yippee trip reports, yours are the best ever and I can't wait to read the next installment

[Cinnabon]

Great pre trippie, think this may be the best yet.

[rick1]

Hey Tesco In Middlebrook have a whole end of a shelf devoted to Uncle Joes