So I told my girlfriend
 

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What do you use to comb a cat? A catacomb.

Whats blue and not very heavy

Light blue!

What do ya call a man in a slow cooker?

Stu!

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate then burn them.

Done that🤔, but I don't know what to do with the letters?


My jokes recently ended a 5 year relationship...
its ok it wasnt mine😁

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

So the purple man walks down the purple road and goes into a purple house. Inside the purple house the purple man goes up the purple stairs and goes into his purple bedroom. The purple man picks up the purple pillow and finds a purple gun underneath. The purple man goes down the purple stairs and goes out the purple door. The purple man walks down the purple road and into the purple bank. The purple man grabs the purple gun from his purple pocket and says to the purple teller, "Gimme all your purple money!" But just before the purple teller gives the purple man the purple money, the purple teller pushes the purple panic button. Moments later the purple police show up and arrest the purple man. They push the purple man into the purple police car and they drive down the purple road and end up at the purple prison. They drag the purple man into the purple prison, take his purple fingerprints, escort him down the purple corridor and towards a purple prison cell. And as they push the purple man into his purple cell they shout...

"Indigo!".

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. When I have a pessimistic thought I put some money in. It's currently half empty.

I went to a karaoke bar last night that didn't play any Seventies music. At first I was afraid. Oh, I was petrified.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

I went to see my Doctor yesterday. I said I've got a bad back. The doctor said, It's old age. I said, I want a second opinion. The doctor says, OK, you're ugly as well.

A man walked into the doctor's. The doctor said, 'I haven't seen you in a long time.' The man replied, 'I know. I've been ill.'"

:pgig::pgig:

Doing the rounds of his barns in a remote country area, a farmer came across a parachutist who had landed in hay. “What happened?” asked the farmer. “My chute failed to open.” replied parachutist. “Ah, well, if you’d asked the locals before making your jump, you would’ve known that nothing around here opens on a Sunday.”

Ours is a football marriage we both wait until the other kicks off .