Are you happy? Update page 6

[Orlando Soon]

OP please don’t feel silly or take to heart any of our replies, these are just our thoughts, you are the expert in your own situation. If you feel you need to talk it through with someone and not able to discuss with your husband at present, think about counselling. It helps you to come up with your own considered opinion. Good luck with this, lots of relationships are struggling at present.

[DisneyDaffodil]

Originally Posted by Coca

Thank you for all your replies. I will take them all onboard.

I’ve been very nervous about posting this and when the first reply was basically don’t ask the dibb how stupid talk to your husband I felt very very silly and also like I’d betrayed my husband and children which I obviously have by writing this thread. Ultimately I feel like a total failure.

I will talk to my husband.

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You are not wrong to ask here, I ask my online friends about all sorts of things because I don’t have any friends locally. We live in a remote area and I rely on my online friends (including Dibbers) for a lot of advice, chat and companionship

Maybe he isn’t aware of how you are feeling and thinks everything is fine or maybe he’s feeling exactly the same as you but doesn’t know how to approach you. You aren’t a bad person to ask here and he’s probably a decent enough bloke too but you’ve ‘lost’ each other over the years. Maybe you can talk it through and rebuild the relationship or maybe there’s no going back to how you were or a way to move on together but you need to talk if you do intend to rebuild or move on.

If you stay as you are, the resentment will grow and the relationship will deteriorate. It’s possible to live like that for a lifetime together and many couples do put up with it, but is that what you want? When you answer that, you will know whether you need to talk to your DH or not. I hope it works out for you whatever the outcome xx

[Coca]

Thank you again I’ve just been out for a 5 mile walk with a friend. I didn’t speak to her about it but it felt good to be out.

I’m going to talk to him tomorrow night.

[Coca]

He may well be feeling the same, he’s not a talker. He doesn’t really tell me anything. Such as my cousin went via him at his company for a big purchase. I only found out when my cousins said my husband had helped her buy the purchase. It’s like getting blood from a stone. I’m just glad I’ve got a good circle of friends and family to be sociable with.

So talking isn’t the easiest in our relationship tbh.

[sam_b]

Originally Posted by Coca

He may well be feeling the same, he’s not a talker.

So talking isn’t the easiest in our relationship tbh.

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I think that this is the real issue... I met my ex at 19 and we were together for almost 20 years. Quite quickly, the physical fizzled out and we were more like flat mates, but we still got on and appeared to be a good couple to everyone else.
I knew it wasn’t right, I wasn’t happy, but I also wondered if this was just real life...and I didn’t want to admit to a ‘failed’ relationship. By the end, we spent very little time together even though we lived in the same house.
The split was nonetheless devastating - I felt like I had wasted 20 years and had no future.

I had a hard few months picking myself up and starting again - new house, rekindling friendships I had neglected, understanding how to be single and thinking about what I wanted from life. It was tough.
Then, after a while, I met my now DH - and I know now I should have called time on my last relationship WAY earlier.
We have been together over 8 years and I love him so much. Obviously there is the physical side which is fantastic, but more importantly we can talk about anything, he challenges me out of my comfort zone sometimes because he will talk about anything! We have shared interests, a similar outlook on life, we share chores, we are financially equal ..we are real partners and it is SO different from those 20 years of just ... existing. We both wfh and are together almost 24/7 and love it.

So, my advice is - consider are you attracted to your DH? Do you still have some shared interests (even if work etc has got in the way). Is there something to salvage, or did the relationship die a long time ago?

Is it fear holding you back or is love keeping you together?
Then, talk to your husband and see how he feels and decide together where you should go - counselling? Separation? Refocusing on your relationship?

This IS scary, but it is life and it’s not a sign of failure if the relationship has ended ...it’s an opportunity for you both to find the happiness that you deserve.
Good luck ...the road ahead is hard whatever the decision, but it WILL be worth it.

[Loopylooloo]

Please dont berate yourself for coming here to talk, its not disloyal, sometimes we all need support!

I had similar issues which came to a head last year, and as a result had some counselling which made me look at things in a different way, rather than focusing on the things I wasnt happy about it made me realise the things I would miss in our relationship if we seperated. Also by talking to friends I realised no relationship is perfect, which also helped.

Good luck, whatever happens, and take care x

[britishgirl]

I cant really offer any world shattering advice,its your marriage and life all I would say is try your very best and try and save what you have got and if it fails you will be able in the future to look yourself in the face and say I gave it my best shot but it was not to be, but not because I didnt try,regret and guilt about not trying can affect future relationships

[yogadeb]

OP I feel for you but I want to say something as your hubby could be secretly suffering and feeling sad too , and if he works really hard this is understandable.
I’ve been in a similar situation.
(Sorry for long post )

My hubby and I went through a terrible patch many years ago and we actually ended up splitting up for a bit.

Weird thing I thought he was happy , I thought we was happy still and was oblivious .
I thought he was just so busy ( he has allways been a grafter) and he hadn’t been very well too so presumed we was just plodding on .
He would do he own thing Once home (gaming and work) and I was happy planning holidays on the Dibb and working most evenings part time .

We gradually became distant , I guess we was both in these bubbles which was actually a rut and we didn’t realise but there was little intimacy as when I’d get in he was tired and as much as we got on ok it wasn’t like it used to be . ( laughs and lighthearted)
We had stopped appreciating each other I think .

It turned out ( without too much personal details) a massive thing happened and my world collapsed around me on our dream holiday to Florida .
Anyway we split up in the middle of beach club and he flew home alone as I told him to go and get out of the house as I never wanted to see him again .
It was awful and once I got home I realised how much I missed him and truely loved him , when reality it hit the fan I was lost without him.

Anyway long storey short we ended up going to relate and it was great for us , we only had one session and it helped hugely .

Turned out he was exhausted and working so much and felt I was always banging on about holidays which was putting pressure on him to earn more .
He also had been unwell which he was really worried it could be cancer ( it wasn’t btw) making him retreat away from me more .
I was completely unaware as had been in my bubble for years and because he hadn’t said anything (men often don’t talk easy) I was carrying on thinking everything was ok and all we needed was a good holiday ! (which actually was putting more pressure on him because of the money )

Now I look back and am grateful that all happened, as we are better than ever now , and it really made me realise what he does for this family and he realises now that talking to me and giving me attention now and then , is important too .

We have been together 26 years and always make sure we appreciate and listen to each other now. ( and I no longer overspend money we haven’t got as it put more pressure on him )
We also make sure we have couple time ( before lock down) like dates and time alone .

I hope you rekindle what you have had OP- when things get tough don’t think it allways has to end .
Communication is the key , it might just be a long talk you both need and to be open with each other .

Good luck .

[Twin mummy]

Good luck with talking to him tonight. Sometimes It really helps to get the views of others who aren’t emotionally attached to the situation so please don’t feel bad for posting.

[Coca]

Thank you all. Especially for sharing your personal experiences I really appreciate it. I truly do. It makes me feel I’m not alone and there is also hope too.