What would you do, if anything?

[Jan]

Last September, our DS went to live and work abroad, leaving his 14 yo son in our care until DS can make provision for him to live with him.

DGS has lived with us now for a total of nearly two and a half years, in two stints, the latest being 18 months. We really don’t know him any better than we did when he first came here. He is extremely polite (his teachers think he is great), keeps himself to himself and his free time is spent on his Xbox. He wanted to do Tai Kwondo and achieved his yellow belt just before lockdown. His dad bought him all the gubbins of which DGS seemed proud and pleased. He stuck with it for a total of three months before lockdown came. He went off it.

Occasionally he does what we (and his dad) consider to be slightly strange things, without mentioning anything to us first. For instance, I found a vest in the wash a while back which had been cut straight from the front neck down to below waistline level. We never got a rational explanation for that. He said it must have got ripped! He never asks for anything. I regularly ask him if he would like new clothes and he has had a couple of pairs of stretchy jog bottoms. But that is all, apart from school wear. I had to force some larger socks on him. He would wear the smaller ones with the heels under his feet.

Last week, in the wash there was a pair of Calvin Klein undies belonging to his dad, , which his dad had obviously forgotten to take. I washed and dried them and hid them away in one of the drawers in his dad’s bedroom (in our house). They have appeared in the wash again. Now, DGS has obviously been searching through his dad’s clothes without any by-your-leave from me. The fact he hasn’t asked is what annoys me. Searching through someone else’s things is not something that happens in our house without permission.

Shall I suck it up or should I say something? I think he will be leaving in February. May be I should bite my tongue?

[Firekat]

Maybe he needs more undies but is too polite to ask. Now lockdown is lifted why not give him some cash or voucher for clothes shop and suggest he could do with some new threads?

[PoohBears#1fan]

I agree with the PP, sounds like he doesn't want to ask for things he needs, my DS is similar, so I just give him money and tell him to go and buy clothes.

[evergreen]

I agreed with others would say nothing he clearly liked them so I would go out buy him new and just leave on his bed, any tatty worn stuff again no need for a conversation just bin them when your folding his washing, this is what I do with my 4 kids stuff

[Smilesonfaces]

Do you think he just wants to use something that is his dads because he is missing him ? I know undies is probably an odd choice.
Could you try to talk him in to trying the Tai Kwondo again ?

[Mel49]

I remember some of your posts before when he was moving over and it's a shame that it appears he is reserved/shy and hasn't really embraced family life with you. On the other hand it must be difficult for him in a strange country (if I'm remembering right) with different cultures and without his parents around.

My DD (14) gets new clothes and underwear regularly but with DS (now 17) every so often I just pick up underwear, socks, t-shirts etc to refresh his wardrobe. He wore the same size for years and only recently has filled out a bit and gone up a size although it wasn't until he couldn't do up his school trousers that he admitted it ! Queue a trip to M & S for mens trousers for school and Primark to stock up on the next size of trunks, t-shirts, PJ's etc. At 14 he is probably too embarrased to admit to his Granny that he needs new underwear so I'd just pick some up next time you are at the shops or suggest he pops to the shops with you even if only Primark, Asda or Tesco as doesn't have to be Calvin Klein.

On thinking about it though could it be that deep down he is missing his Dad and wearing them makes him feel closer to him. Maybe time to try and have a wee heart to heart. If it's not that could his Dad maybe give him a monthly allowance to cover clothes, toiletries etc.

[Pumpkin Pie]

Maybe he just feels really awkward about certain things (not a criticism of you). Teenagers can be odd at the best of times. I personally would have no problem with him looking in his dads drawers as to me it would mean he feels comfortable and feels it’s his home too.

[Helen J]

Originally Posted by Jan

Last week, in the wash there was a pair of Calvin Klein undies belonging to his dad, , which his dad had obviously forgotten to take. I washed and dried them and hid them away in one of the drawers in his dad’s bedroom (in our house). They have appeared in the wash again. Now, DGS has obviously been searching through his dad’s clothes without any by-your-leave from me. The fact he hasn’t asked is what annoys me. Searching through someone else’s things is not something that happens in our house without permission.

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I would have washed them and given them back to him, I'm not too sure why you felt like you had to hide them from him. I'm pretty sure his dad wouldn't mind if his son was wearing his clothes.
Your grandson probably misses his dad greatly and gets some comfort out of wearing his things. He could just need some new ones of his own, his old ones might be a bit small.

I would sit down and talk to him, either buy him some new clothes or let him wear his dads.

He should have asked before looking through other peoples stuff, but maybe he doesn't think he needs to as those things belong to his dad.

[Cloverlady]

Aww, he is either missing Dad or needs new undies.
Why not buy him a few pairs of the same type he has been borrowing and just leave them in his room for him so you don't need to discuss if you think he wouldn't like to. And some basic plain socks too (I know how picky teens can be about styles etc! Plain socks should be acceptable and the undies he borrowed are obviously an Ok choice! )
Good ideas above about how to get him to shop for new clothes other than undies.
Personally i wouldn't mind him looking through his Dad's things, but I understand that you might feel differently. Teen years are hard for any youngster but with Dad away he may be missing him. He has you though in his absence and that must be a comfort to him x

[marypoppins38]

If he is quite shy and keeps himself to himself it could be that he needs some new ones and feels a bit embarrassed to ask. I would just pick some up for him in a bigger size and leave them on his bed. There doesn't need to be any kind of awkward conversation about it then but he will know that you are thinking of him.