Daughter accused of being a boy in public toilet

[loopyloo33]

We had a half term trip to London yesterday and stopped to use the toilets at North Greenwich underground station. My 13 year old didn't need to go but I didn't want to leave her standing in the station alone so made her come into the ladies toilet wash her hands and wait for me.

After I finished washing my hands she burst into tears and told me that 2 grown women accosted her whilst I was in the toilet and accused her of being a boy and said she shouldn't be in the ladies toilet. I couldn't hear as it was quite noisy.

Now my daughter has short hair, wears pretty tom boy clothes and is tall and slim so doesn't have much of a womanly shape. By the time she told me they had well and truly gone, how can anyone think this is right and acceptable to do this to a 13 year old child! A similar thing happened In a shopping centre on Monday when someone came in and said "oh am in the men's toilet" when she was there washing her hands.

She is starting to get a really irrational fear of public toilets now which isn't good as she will hold it for hours rather than go.

It's really got to me and have found it difficult to sleep last night. I know there is nothing I can do to change people's attitudes and what they say and that annoys me as well!

Has anyone had any similar experiences?

[Gill H]

It used to happen to me all the time when I was about 8 years old, way back in the 70s. Two teenage girls chased me out of a swimming pool changing room, screaming that I was a 'dirty nosy little boy'. People in shops would say 'is this lad with you, madam?'

Of all the things I had to be unhappy about (and there were many, I was badly bullied at school) I can't say it was the one that got to me the most. But it's different for a teenager.

In this day and age when there is so much more acceptance of clothing and identity, it's a shame to hear that people are so bothered about thing like this.

Hugs to your daughter. She has a perfect right to wear what she wants and look how she wants. I bet she's an amazing young woman.

[Ivegottadream]

I'm sorry your daughter had that experience, some people are just vile.

I think if it was my daughter I'd teach her to respond strongly, such as, it's obvious I'm a girl and that you're a judgemental fool who harasses children! And I'd practise it a lot around the house, make a joke out if it, so if it did happen again she would confidently have the words out before she even thought about it iykwim?

[loopyloo33]

Thankyou. I did say to her yesterday and tell her she is perfectly within her rights to respond strongly to any adult who says something to her, we've practiced now somethings she can say without being rude but still being forceful. I also said she must tell me straight away because they were still in the toilets as I started washing my hands so would have been able to embarrass them by asking them what they thought they were doing confronting a child for goodness sake!

She was so excited last year when she had all her "baby curly" hair cut off and a short hair style as it was the start of her making her own identity but now she thinks she needs to go it all out again. I have told she can be who she wants to be, dress and look how she wants and stuff anyone else.

I naively assumed in this day and age plus in a city as diverse as London this kind of judgment wouldn't be happening, how wrong was I!

[duchy]

It’s half term , they probably were visitors not Londoners.
I bet they were “women of a certain age” , younger people tend not to bat an eyelid at the boyish look as it’s mainstream nowadays.

[BarrettFamily]

DS2 had long hair and was often accused of being in the wrong toilet. He just looked them in the eye and said “But I am a boy.” and then turned away. Please reassure your DD it is just a rude minority.

[loopyloo33]

Originally Posted by duchy

It’s half term , they probably were visitors not Londoners.
I bet they were “women of a certain age” , younger people tend not to bat an eyelid at the boyish look as it’s mainstream nowadays.

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I don't like to tar everyone with the same brush but yes they were. I did say to her about young people.not batting an eyelid.

[lottiesmum0]

How awful- there is so much information out there too it’s not acceptable.
Well done for equipping your daughter with the tools to be able to say something with confidence if it happens again

[duchy]

Originally Posted by loopyloo33

I don't like to tar everyone with the same brush but yes they were. I did say to her about young people.not batting an eyelid.

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No it isn’t everyone , I’m that certain age too and I’m often horrified at how unaware and insular some people my age still are.

[marypoppins38]

Oh that’s horrid. What on earth it has to do with them I don’t know. There are way too many interfering busy bodies!
To be honest I wouldn’t even bat an eyelid at a young boy waiting for his mum by the sinks. It’s a lot safer than standing on the street alone these days.