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Old 29 Oct 20, 03:43 PM  
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#501
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A blonde goes to buy a TV and asks for the manager at the electronics store

She asks “How much is that TV?”

The manager responds “I’m sorry but I don’t sell to blondes”

She gets mad and leaves the store. When she gets home she gets an idea. She decides to dye her hair red and the next day she goes back to the same store.

She asks the manager “How much is that TV?”

Again the manager says “I’m sorry, I don’t sell to blondes”

Confused but angrier still she goes home and dyes her hair black this time and goes back on the third day.

She asks “How much is that TV?”

The manager shakes his head and says “I’m sorry but I don’t sell to blondes”

She says “How do you know I’m a blonde after I dyed my hair?!”

The manager responds “That’s not a TV that’s a microwave”
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Old 30 Oct 20, 05:55 PM  
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A n irish contestant was asked. For 100.000 thousand. Re the great train robbery...who was the mastermind..was it ronnie corbett..ronnie barker...ronnie osullivan... Ronnie biggs...the irish man gets up out his chair. Goes ober to jeremy. Grabs him by the collar and says...listen hear i may b a lot of things..but i aint no grass...
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Old 30 Oct 20, 06:10 PM  
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Just had a text from my mate, He said: “I’m in trouble with my wife again. I bought her some lorry oil for her birthday. Apparently it’s pronounced ‘L’Oreal’.”
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Old 2 Nov 20, 08:55 PM  
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Old 30 Nov 20, 03:40 PM  
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Love this one

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Old 3 Dec 20, 08:58 PM  
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What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast? The One Show!
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Old 10 Dec 20, 09:04 PM  
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A man walks into a bar with a cat and dog. They all sit down and the bartender says “What can I get you?” The dog looks squarely at the bartender and says I’ll take a Vodka, the guy will take a water, and the cat will take a Scotch.” The bartender, in shocks, says to the dog, “This is AMAZING! You’re a dog that can talk…” The guy looks at the bartender, and says, “Don’t be fooled, the cat is a ventriloquist.”
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Old 10 Dec 20, 09:15 PM  
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On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he would still be alive today!
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Old 11 Dec 20, 07:23 PM  
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Bloke guys into a restaurant and to eat squid. He tells the waiter, whose name is Yervaise, 'I want that squid there', pointing
at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip.
Yervaise says, 'that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so mild and friendly'. But the customer is insistent, so Yervaise goes over to the tank, pulls out the squid and lays it on the worktop. He raises
a knife and is about to chop it up, but he can't and goes back to the customer, and says he can't kill it, but the customer still insists on it.
Yervaise has an idea- 'OK, I'll go and get Hans, our dishwasher, he's a tough guy, he'll be able to kill it'. He goes and gets Hans, who takes the knife and is about to chop the squid, when it looks up.
Hans sees its mild little face and its hairy lip and he can't kill it either, so they both go and tell the customer that they're really sorry but he can't eat it.

The moral of the story?... ..
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Yervaise with mild green hairy lip squid.
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Old 11 Dec 20, 07:59 PM  
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Originally Posted by MOUSEMARSH View Post
Bloke guys into a restaurant and to eat squid. He tells the waiter, whose name is Yervaise, 'I want that squid there', pointing
at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip.
Yervaise says, 'that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so mild and friendly'. But the customer is insistent, so Yervaise goes over to the tank, pulls out the squid and lays it on the worktop. He raises
a knife and is about to chop it up, but he can't and goes back to the customer, and says he can't kill it, but the customer still insists on it.
Yervaise has an idea- 'OK, I'll go and get Hans, our dishwasher, he's a tough guy, he'll be able to kill it'. He goes and gets Hans, who takes the knife and is about to chop the squid, when it looks up.
Hans sees its mild little face and its hairy lip and he can't kill it either, so they both go and tell the customer that they're really sorry but he can't eat it.

The moral of the story?... ..
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Yervaise with mild green hairy lip squid.
Straight from Tim Vine Facebook group 😂😂
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