Custody of children and other fun matters.

[Whitequeen]

Been there, done this! It's a power struggle! He still wants to be in charge of you but is using the shared parenting as a weapon. Don't rise to it. Unless he has something from a solicitor, in writing, he can't make you do anything. I assume you have a solicitor? Drop these 'terms' your ex is banging on about by your solicitor.
I know you really, really want your daughter to say she doesn't want to visit 'Daddy' but please don't try and make her. Eventually she will resent you for that. 11 is young and she'll still want and love her Daddy whether you do or not. Good luck.

[Donaldfan]

I'm sorry to hear about all this hassle. If you have not already done so I think you should take advice from a family law solicitor ASAP. No-one on here can give you the help that you need.

[excitedbunny79]

My ex and I had a very amicable divorce and if there's one piece of advice I can give is always put the happiness of your daughter above everything else.

To put a different spin on things, if you consider the way you've written your post, the 'Mother In Law' will be picking your daughter up from school, when in fact it's actually your daughter's Grandma (I presume she is, correct me if I'm wrong) and to have relationship which grandparents is a fantastic thing for any child. To have her willingly pick your daughter up from school and spend time with her, in my view, is something to be encouraged.

We've let our daughter lead us with when and how long she wants to spend time with us (she was 9 when we split up), in the beginning we did do every other weekend and generally she stays with me on a Monday and a Wednesday night and she's with her Dad on a Tuesday and a Thursday. That works for us and her and she has a great relationship with both of us because there's never been any competition. Now she's a bit older she can come and go as she pleases without worrying about 'prescribed parent time' I'd like to think that our divorce has had no adverse effect on her at all and when we split up, we both agreed it was our divorce, not our divorce with our daughter.

From your post, you can tell feelings are still very raw at the moment. As long as your daughter is happy and comfortable with her contact with you and her Dad, from my point of view that is the best possible outcome at the moment.

[alp1972]

Hi I am so sorry you are having to go through this and I can only offer to you what my and my husbands experience was after he and his wife split, his daughter came to live with him and then when I and my husband got together we had to go down the more formal route. It was a long and difficult process so Ill try to be brief but when we attended to speak to the solicitor the most important thing I can stress is if it does get to this level and you have to end up at family court then then it is all about the child they don't want to hear what you want or your ex or anyone else it is all about the child . I am not trying to be rude but they expect you to be adults and try to sort arrangement between yourselves and not have the court do it for you . We had to write things down the 2 barristers discussed then it was signed and put before the judge but they didn't get involved really other than to advise to go discuss sort and come back with a solution. Our arrangements were that as the daughter had always lived with us school was local and within walking distance she would stay with us through the week and then alternate weekends she would spend at each parents house , then half the holidays each . We had nothing to do with what happened when she was with mum and likewise when she was with us . We also arranged separate parents evenings which the school had no issues with and seemed to be the done thing. We were the main stay for things like DR and Dentists etc and school sent reports etc to both parents . I really hope you manage to sort things amicably it may take a while but I hope you manage to get into a routine that works for both of you . Good luck on your journey.

[pinkbelle]

Originally Posted by Donaldfan

I'm sorry to hear about all this hassle. If you have not already done so I think you should take advice from a family law solicitor ASAP. No-one on here can give you the help that you need.

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“No-one on here can give you the help that you need”

The OP asked for “unbiased opinions” that’s exactly what an online forum can provide. Probably more so than a solicitor, who I would hope would have a bias for the person paying them!

OP, I read your post two things came to mind. Has his legal advice suggested this type of custody split to limit any entitlement to maintenance you may be able to claim?

As her Mum, what do you think would be best for her?

I liked the previous experience another poster shared where a child had two steady home life’s with parents that worked together, to ensure the child felt part of both households and wasn’t a visitor in either.
I think if that could work my opinion would be that’s a great option.

That said, circumstances will change going forward for both of you. You may not mind your daughters grandmother picking her up from school, as that relationship is also important.
However, I think I would like it specified in any agreement that if either parent was unable to collect from school or if a babysitter was needed, that the other parent had to be given first opportunity to step in.

I hope you find a solution that works for you, but don’t make any agreements until you have had proper legal advice to protect your position.

[Colette-S]

Mrs O some great support on here along with a few poor suggestions
Get some proper legal advice where support and resolution can be arranged through the appropriate bodies/channels

[Wishtogoback]

Where I am there are mediation services you can use to initially agree custody and financial arrangements pending a divorce agreement. It is a non legal process but they are trained professionals who get both sides to agree generally putting the child’s needs first. It is then a signed agreement whilst although not binding the courts take a very dim view if they are not adhered to. There is an in built process for review as the needs arise. I would suggest you look at this as an option before agreeing to anything.

Really only you know what suits your child in terms of 6:8. also your child will be led by you so you if she thinks you are not happy with the arrangement it will make her question it, if you approach with positivity and support she is more likely to settle quickly. I can only imagine how difficult this is to do but she is looking to you for assurance right now.

[SquishTheWhale]

Reading that your daughter is 11, I was the same age when my parents separated.

As I'm sure you are very aware it's an upsetting and confusing time for her, even if she's pretending it isn't. Please keep her in the loop and discuss everything that's going on with her. My mum kept us in the dark about most things, out of a protective instinct but she's old enough to be talked to about what is happening. I found out via my sister's friend that my dad running off with his secretary was the reason for the divorce! I remember being really hurt that my mum was treating me like a little kid and that she couldn't trust me with the truth.

I had no interest in living with my father and he had no interest in having us, so there the similarities end. But if she says she is okay with living split between you, then respect that. She has so little control or choice in what is happening overall that she should get a say in the things that directly concern her.

Just make it so clear (as I'm sure you will) that if she feels that it's not working out, you can revisit the arrangement at any time and change it to whatever she feels more comfortable with.

Best of luck

[Floridarules]

Is the 6/8 arrangement so he doesn’t have to pay as much child support?

If he doesn’t work and therefore can pick up his daughter, fair enough but I would not want my MIL collecting and then presumably going with her until dad picks up whenever?

My advice, don’t agree to anything firmly in writing. He seems very demanding and has NO right to tell you what you can and can’t do.

It’s messy, but it will be and will take time to get used to.

If you are available to collect your daughter, then this seems the most natural thing for your daughter, a parent collecting from school 💕

[Blue nose]

I'm surprised that the first thought from some is that the shared care is to reduce maintenance costs. I obviously don't know the OP or your home situation but maybe he's just a caring dad that wants to see his DD as much as the mum?

Grandparents pick up children from school in many families and again I don't see an issue with this

For me the most important one in all this is the DD and knowing that she still has two parents who love her and put her first. It hurts when parents split. She needs to know she's important to you both and that you'll work together to ensure she's happy.

The rest is just noise that needs working though. It takes time. Everyone is hurting/finding a new normal.

Get legal advice and be fair but firm. Your DD will appreciate it in the long run.