Advice re nephew

[StorybookCircus]

I would write what you’ve written here (including information like the dates of the cancelled doctor’s appointments)
Pass it to the designated team at your local council as described above. That way they will have everything on record and can cross check with the doctor’s and other parties (like your nephew’s grandparents) if necessary.

[Bootrip2]

Oh dear, i really feel for you. Its difficult being outside of all this seeing it happening and feeling helpless.

Is it NF that he has? If so it is a well known characteristic of being vulnerable, telling people what they wanting to hear to avoid confrontation and difficulties communicating.

Do you have a local advocacy service for young people with learning dosabilities, maybe putting him in touch with a neutral person may help him feel more independent, not only with his health issues, but socially etc.

I hope you manage to get some support as this will help you have peace of mind too, as obviously you care very much about your nephew. X

[Boo-Bobz]

I work in a learning disability service and echo other dibbers advice to contact social services and report a safeguarding concern of neglect by not attending health appointments. Social services could also direct your nephew to some structured day activities.
In addition my service offers support to primary healthcare appointments. A community nurse or support worker, support the patient to health appointments and help them understand the information being given. This might give your nephew the opportunity to speak to a professional without your brother in law.
Neither social services or community nurses could speak to you or your mum about your nephew without his consent - but as he is an adult and providing he has capacity to make decisions - it’s up to your nephew, not your brother in law to decide who is updated about his health and situation.

[dvc]

You need to contact adult social care and state you have concerns regarding a vulnerable adult

[afcajax73]

I think you've got some good advice here, and I hope you get on well with whatever avenue you take.

The only worry I would have (personally) is that you said your brother in law and mum are not getting on and it's becoming increasingly difficult for her to see your nephew, would a visit from Social Services push that further? I would assume he would think it was her maybe who raised the issue? Perhaps speak to your mum about it and see what she thinks?

I'd just like to add, it wouldn't stop me doing it, and I'm not suggesting you don't get him help, I just think it might be worth speaking to your mum about it as well

[birdiesX4]

Originally Posted by afcajax73

I think you've got some good advice here, and I hope you get on well with whatever avenue you take.

The only worry I would have (personally) is that you said your brother in law and mum are not getting on and it's becoming increasingly difficult for her to see your nephew, would a visit from Social Services push that further? I would assume he would think it was her maybe who raised the issue? Perhaps speak to your mum about it and see what she thinks?

I'd just like to add, it wouldn't stop me doing it, and I'm not suggesting you don't get him help, I just think it might be worth speaking to your mum about it as well

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What you have said is exactly what I am worried abut. My mum is the only contact my nephew has that reminds him of his mum, my sister. His dad has removed ever photo or connection to her from their house but my nephew will talk to my mum about his mum sometimes when he sees her and vice versa.

I called the adult safeguarding team for the area he lives in and they were very helpful. She said if an initial assessment was raised then the capacity to make the decision to carry it out would be my nephews but they could also judge if there was cohesion or omission on his dad's part and make the appropriate decision. She said that if they decided my nephew did have the capacity to agree to the safeguarding and he said no then they couldn't proceed. I would suspect he would say no and it would be up to the safeguarding team to decide if he was making an informed decision. She also said that there may not necessarily be an issue of neglect but that there needs to be support put in place for the two of them. Parenting help for my B in L and support for my nephew regarding social events, integration into society etc.

I called my mum and she said she didn't want me to raise a concern at this point but asked me if I would ring my B in L and ask him what was going on. But she told me that when she saw my nephew on Monday this week he brought up the health problem and he said his dad had told him the reason was because he didn't get excited when he saw girls and he would never have a girlfriend so it didn't matter if 'it' worked or not. My nephew told my mum he does like girls and likes to look at them on tv in programmes and it makes him feel 'good'.
My husband was going wild when I told him this and said I should disregard what my mum says and just get onto the safeguarding team.

I have phoned my B in L and had a very difficult conversation with him. He got very arsey on the phone and started to say my nephew made his own decisions and he didn't decide what he did. He started to refering to my kids saying they didn't go down to my mums, which they do but we live 70 miles away. DD works 40 hours a eek and DS is in full time uni and doesn't have a car. However I said it wasn't about my nephew going down but the way he just lets my mum down with no communication and then mentioned the health things. He said he couldn't talk to my mum about my nephews consultation at the genetics clinic because he was busy putting the shopping away and its not his job. My nephew was old enough to do that and the cancelled GP appointment was my nephews doing because he didn't want to wast the GPs time.

He was rattled and I got the better of him as he is a bit dense and let him know I am not happy about his behaviour or his son's and it was my business because it was affecting my mum. I mentioned that my mum may make another appointment at the GPs and I presumed he had no problem with that and he had no choice to say no.
I left it by saying my nephew needed to let my mum know if he was visiting when arrangements had been made and I would be back on the phone if things continued.
I still want to make the referral but I have to respect my mum. Things are had enough for my mum as it is so I have said we should give it a month and see how things are and she should make the appointment for my nephew and go with him no matter how embarrassed he is. I told my B in L that my mum had not given me the details of this problem as she said my nephew had confided in her and she didn't think she should break that confidence. I didn't want my nephew to know I knew, if that makes sense.

My nephew is aware his life is not right though. My mum said he is obsessed with our son who is only 9 months younger. Asking questions about his life and does he have a girlfriend, is he getting car etc, the same questions every time he sees her.

Its a mess for sure and I am not happy but I have to think of my mum although I am left thinking what would my sister want me to do if she was here.

Thank you so much for all your advice, I have read every one and thought about your comments.

[birdiesX4]

Originally Posted by StorybookCircus

I would write what you’ve written here (including information like the dates of the cancelled doctor’s appointments)
Pass it to the designated team at your local council as described above. That way they will have everything on record and can cross check with the doctor’s and other parties (like your nephew’s grandparents) if necessary.

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His other grandma will back everything her son says so she is a waste of time.

[Guest]

I really feel for you.

It must be so hard for you, not only have you lost your sister, but you're watching her living legacy, her son, struggle.

Your post where he asks about your son broke my heart. I'm sure if he had access to the love and support your mum and you seem to be willing to offer him it would change his life.

Best of luck OP.

[birdiesX4]

Originally Posted by CLB_14

I really feel for you.

It must be so hard for you, not only have you lost your sister, but you're watching her living legacy, her son, struggle.

Your post where he asks about your son broke my heart. I'm sure if he had access to the love and support your mum and you seem to be willing to offer him it would change his life.

Best of luck OP.

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He gets no affection at all from his dad and when you see my son next to him you can see how far apart they are and he obviously knows this. He realises there is stuff out there for him, my parents did try when he was younger but my dad refused to address the learning difficulties and his dad uses the NF when it suits. Foe example my mum has cash left by my sister and wanted him to learn to drive but he said his dad has told him he will never be able to manage it as he gets too confused and muddled and driving is not necessary. This is why he asks about mine as they have both learned to drive. They are happy for him to operate a washing machine, iron clothes, cook and clean both of their houses.
I get so mad as when my mum is no longer here I will have no contact whatsoever with him. I was surprised when my B in L came to the phone when I rang as my nephew doesn't have a mobile or email address or on any social media websites.

[afcajax73]

Originally Posted by birdiesX4

What you have said is exactly what I am worried abut. My mum is the only contact my nephew has that reminds him of his mum, my sister. His dad has removed ever photo or connection to her from their house but my nephew will talk to my mum about his mum sometimes when he sees her and vice versa.

I called the adult safeguarding team for the area he lives in and they were very helpful. She said if an initial assessment was raised then the capacity to make the decision to carry it out would be my nephews but they could also judge if there was cohesion or omission on his dad's part and make the appropriate decision. She said that if they decided my nephew did have the capacity to agree to the safeguarding and he said no then they couldn't proceed. I would suspect he would say no and it would be up to the safeguarding team to decide if he was making an informed decision. She also said that there may not necessarily be an issue of neglect but that there needs to be support put in place for the two of them. Parenting help for my B in L and support for my nephew regarding social events, integration into society etc.

I called my mum and she said she didn't want me to raise a concern at this point but asked me if I would ring my B in L and ask him what was going on. But she told me that when she saw my nephew on Monday this week he brought up the health problem and he said his dad had told him the reason was because he didn't get excited when he saw girls and he would never have a girlfriend so it didn't matter if 'it' worked or not. My nephew told my mum he does like girls and likes to look at them on tv in programmes and it makes him feel 'good'.
My husband was going wild when I told him this and said I should disregard what my mum says and just get onto the safeguarding team.

I have phoned my B in L and had a very difficult conversation with him. He got very arsey on the phone and started to say my nephew made his own decisions and he didn't decide what he did. He started to refering to my kids saying they didn't go down to my mums, which they do but we live 70 miles away. DD works 40 hours a eek and DS is in full time uni and doesn't have a car. However I said it wasn't about my nephew going down but the way he just lets my mum down with no communication and then mentioned the health things. He said he couldn't talk to my mum about my nephews consultation at the genetics clinic because he was busy putting the shopping away and its not his job. My nephew was old enough to do that and the cancelled GP appointment was my nephews doing because he didn't want to wast the GPs time.

He was rattled and I got the better of him as he is a bit dense and let him know I am not happy about his behaviour or his son's and it was my business because it was affecting my mum. I mentioned that my mum may make another appointment at the GPs and I presumed he had no problem with that and he had no choice to say no.
I left it by saying my nephew needed to let my mum know if he was visiting when arrangements had been made and I would be back on the phone if things continued.
I still want to make the referral but I have to respect my mum. Things are had enough for my mum as it is so I have said we should give it a month and see how things are and she should make the appointment for my nephew and go with him no matter how embarrassed he is. I told my B in L that my mum had not given me the details of this problem as she said my nephew had confided in her and she didn't think she should break that confidence. I didn't want my nephew to know I knew, if that makes sense.

My nephew is aware his life is not right though. My mum said he is obsessed with our son who is only 9 months younger. Asking questions about his life and does he have a girlfriend, is he getting car etc, the same questions every time he sees her.

Its a mess for sure and I am not happy but I have to think of my mum although I am left thinking what would my sister want me to do if she was here.

Thank you so much for all your advice, I have read every one and thought about your comments.

See more...

I think the main thing here is that you've logged your concerns, and got the right advice. I think, like you say, it would be a good idea to give your BIL a bit of time to sort it out, and if/when he doesn't, sort it for him

good luck and keep us posted.