Notices
General Chat This forum is for general topics and chat type threads.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 7 Jan 20, 12:38 PM  
Link to this Post
#11
Pearldaisy
I want to go now!
 
Join Date: Aug 15
Not an easy decision to make and I speak from experience! Two years ago this week after struggling to care for my MIL who had severe Alzheimer’s and lived alone we persuaded her to try respite care for a “short stay” at a residential care home. This ultimately became a longer stay (as we knew it would due to her state of mind and increasing problems). Following a number of falls and hospital stays her care needs progressed to EMI where sadly she passed away 11 months later. In effect she walked out of her own home expecting she would be returning in a couple of weeks but never set foot there again. There really was no choice by that stage as her illness had progressed and she needed far more care than we could ever have given. Although she was safe, cared for and nursed effectively in the care setting my husband has never got over the guilt of removing her from her own home. Common sense says it was the only real choice by that stage but I doubt he is ever going to feel comfortable about doing it. Very hard to override emotional situations against the realities of risk and safety issues particularly when your own feelings are so tangled up. I’m sure in the end you will do what is in their best interests and in time you will come to accept that the alternative serves no one well. Good luck.
Pearldaisy is offline Girl Mouse Click to view Members Trip Plans Add Member to Ignore List
Old 7 Jan 20, 12:53 PM  
Link to this Post
#12
snowbelle
Imagineer
 
Join Date: May 10
My Mum felt the same with my Grandmother but her dementia had got to the stage where she became incontinent and she was also a 'wanderer' she was living in sheltered accomodation and was not able to care for herself any longer, trying to eat frozen food etc and setting the fire alarms off, wandering out to 'get the bus'

They kindly suggested that a care home would be better for her, she loved to talk and interact with people and they had lots of in house social events.

Mum could'nt lift her any more and sometimes my gran got frustrated and would lash out ( not nice to see as she was such a resilient person before the illness)

She lived a happy life ..happy in her own muddle my mum used to say and passed in her sleep 8 years later.

I wish you well in whatever decision you make, it isnt easy.
snowbelle is offline Girl Mouse Click to view Members Trip Plans Add Member to Ignore List
Old 7 Jan 20, 01:20 PM  
Link to this Post
#13
cornishfrogboy
VIP Dibber
 
Join Date: Nov 10
Location: Falmouth
My mother has Vascular Dementia and also Alzheimers. She is 83 and my Father, 86. Dad tried to look after her and as her needs became more acute, it obviously became too difficult, culminating in a suicide attempt by overdose. Things had clearly got too much for him and it was fortunate that he took the Zopiclone, rather than the Amitripyline.

Mum went into a care home November last and her condition has worsened in line with the diagnosis. She is now doubly incontinent, obstructive, immobile and will repeat 'I want my Mum', thousands of times every day. It is heartbreaking. (Her Mum died in 1978). She has no quality of life at all.

The flip side is that Dad has rallied, has got on with his life and is back to the Father that I know. He is living an independent life, whilst visiting Mum every week.

There is no perfect solution when these issues overtake us, only compromise and difficult decisions. I have little doubt that had Mum stayed at home, my Dad would no longer be with us.. and my Mum subsequently placed in a care home in any case.
__________________

2005 onwards.. lots of times!

Index of all my Trip and Pretrip reports..https://www.thedibb.co.uk/forums/sho...6#post15662196

Edited at 02:25 PM.
cornishfrogboy is online now Boy Mouse Click to view Members Trip Plans Add Member to Ignore List
Old 7 Jan 20, 01:28 PM  
Link to this Post
#14
Loopylooloo
VIP Dibber
 
Loopylooloo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 13
I just wanted to say I am so sorry you are going through this, that is no age your poor Dad, I feel for all of you - I think your idea is a good one. x
__________________

Our trip reports -
1st trip to Florida - April 2014 - 'Are we nearly Bankrupt yet?!'
The Kuna Mahuna Croatia Holiday 2016
Bankrupt again Florida 2017
New York & RCL Anthem of Seas 2018
https://dibb.in/13476718
And now it’s time for Wine Wine Wine! Rome + Celebrity Cruise May 2022
https://dibb.in/15427816
Loopylooloo is offline Girl Mouse Click to view Members Trip Plans Add Member to Ignore List
Old 7 Jan 20, 02:23 PM  
Link to this Post
#15
MrsBC
VIP Dibber
 
Join Date: Oct 10

MrsBC's Reviews
Hotel Reviews: 11
Restaurant Reviews: 50

theDIBB Guidebook
Guidebook Photos: 10
Guidebook Reviews: 1
It's worse for you as your parents are only young, it's so sad! but be as honest as possible with him; he may not process it but you may feel better - and tell him that your mum needs a break so the GP thinks he needs to stay in a 'convalescent' home for a few days.
A care home at this stage is probably the right answer. If it was possible for a spouse to solely care for someone with severe dementia then we wouldn't need the care homes - but its not possible without your mum's health (mental and physical) being badly affected. It won't seem right at first - for any of you, but he will be in the right place, safe and your mum can still have a life that includes quality time with dad. xx
edit - I managed a nursing and care home for many years, and even though it takes a while for some people (both resident and family) to settle, it does happen. Try to look at a few homes when you make a permanent decision, and choose one with no time restrictions on visitors and who are welcoming to you all. Look at the other residents and try to chat to their families. A care home isn't a hospital and it should feel homely as well as providing great care.
__________________
DISNEY HOLS:
WDW - Y&BC x 8, AKL x 2, POFQ x 1, villas x 5, GF x 1, Dolphin x 2
DLP - Sequoia x 4, Newport Bay x 1, Cheyenne x 5, Santa Fe x1
DCL Magic, DCL Wish
BOOKED - Beach Club Villas Sept '24, Disney Treasure Sept '25
TRIP REPORT INDEX
www.thedibb.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=835984

Edited at 02:27 PM.
MrsBC is offline Girl Mouse Click to view Members Trip Plans Add Member to Ignore List
Old 8 Jan 20, 07:32 PM  
Link to this Post
#16
karriemouse
Earning My Ears
 
karriemouse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 10
My MIL has Alzheimers, and deteriorated to the stage that she was trying to leave to go back to her Mother's home (Nana has been dead for 25 years) and was repeatedly violent to my FIL. He reluctantly arranged a care home for her, and she's now deteriorated further to need a nursing home.
Although he still feels sad that this was necessary my FIL says that it has saved both his marriage and his sanity. She is now so pleased to see him (he visits every day) and tells him she loves him. He has changed back from being her jailer into her husband.
He took advice from the care home staff as to how to make the move. If your Dad still has some understanding then I think being honest about Mum needing to rest and him having a short holiday in a home is the best way to go. x
__________________
Karen

Edited at 07:34 PM.
karriemouse is offline Girl Mouse Click to view Members Trip Plans Add Member to Ignore List
Old 16 Jan 20, 12:46 PM  
Link to this Post
#17
2littleboys
Thread Starter
Imagineer
 
Join Date: Jul 13

2littleboys's Reviews
Hotel Reviews: 1
Thank you for all the replies last week. I just wanted to pop on with an update, my mum and I went to visit the care home yesterday that my dad will go into next week and I have felt truly awful since.

I cant pinpoint how I feel - I am not sure if it is a mixture of guilt and denial. There was such a wide range of differing patients in the care facility some that were of able mind and some just sitting in a corner just making noises, I don't think my dad is anywhere near that level yet though and I hate to think of him in that environment but my mum is the main carer and she needs the break as he is unable to do anything for himself now.

It is such a horrible feeling and I just really wanted to get my feelings out there
2littleboys is online now Girl Mouse Click to view Members Trip Plans Add Member to Ignore List
Old 16 Jan 20, 01:09 PM  
Link to this Post
#18
TigerLily8
VIP Dibber
 
TigerLily8's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 16
I just wanted to say that you are doing an amazing job! Caring for someone with dementia can be one of the most challenging tasks, physically and mentally, so you definitely need to have a break.

In my role over the last four years I have met hundreds of carers of people with dementia who are/have been going through the same thing. But the one thing that really stood out to me was that carers very rarely put themselves first and will literally run themselves into the ground trying to provide care. While I understand why you may feel guilty about leaving your dad, just remember that you and your mum cannot provide care if you don't look after yourselves - you will be no use to your dad if you make yourself ill!

So please just try to relax (easier said than done). By the sounds of it you all deserve a bit of rest! And just know that you are not alone.
TigerLily8 is offline Girl Mouse Click to view Members Trip Plans Add Member to Ignore List
Old 16 Jan 20, 01:17 PM  
Link to this Post
#19
3disneykids
Imagineer
 
3disneykids's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 18
Location: Yorkshire
Originally Posted by 2littleboys View Post
Thank you for all the replies last week. I just wanted to pop on with an update, my mum and I went to visit the care home yesterday that my dad will go into next week and I have felt truly awful since.

I cant pinpoint how I feel - I am not sure if it is a mixture of guilt and denial. There was such a wide range of differing patients in the care facility some that were of able mind and some just sitting in a corner just making noises, I don't think my dad is anywhere near that level yet though and I hate to think of him in that environment but my mum is the main carer and she needs the break as he is unable to do anything for himself now.

It is such a horrible feeling and I just really wanted to get my feelings out there
It is a really difficult situation caring for a loved one...like you say your mum is the one looking after him.
I can completely understand guilt and I doubt there is anyone that can say they have opted for the care of their loved one to be handed over to a care home and not had guilt.

Just over a year ago me and my sister (both have 3 young children each) were sadly put in the situation of caring for our mother.

I can honestly say it was the hardest thing both physically and mentally that I have ever done in my life. I ended up 'broken' physically and mentally.

My mum always said she would never be put in a care home and at 60 it didn't seem right but in my broken state I suggested it. She lived at my sisters and my sister wouldn't put her in a care home. Still now I feel it would have been better for everybody involved and more positive memories could have been made during that horrific period if she had gone into a care home.

We both ended up very much broken it caused problems with our relationship which now we have overcome and it meant that we couldn't be the parents we wanted to be.

Your mums mental and physical health are as important as your dads.
It is sad that at a such a young age your mum and dad face this situation.

Sending hugs xx
3disneykids is offline Click to view Members Trip Plans Add Member to Ignore List
Old 16 Jan 20, 01:43 PM  
Link to this Post
#20
DisneyDaffodil
Imagineer
 
DisneyDaffodil's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 15
Location: South Wales
Mobile

Originally Posted by 2littleboys View Post
Thank you for all the replies last week. I just wanted to pop on with an update, my mum and I went to visit the care home yesterday that my dad will go into next week and I have felt truly awful since.

I cant pinpoint how I feel - I am not sure if it is a mixture of guilt and denial. There was such a wide range of differing patients in the care facility some that were of able mind and some just sitting in a corner just making noises, I don't think my dad is anywhere near that level yet though and I hate to think of him in that environment but my mum is the main carer and she needs the break as he is unable to do anything for himself now.

It is such a horrible feeling and I just really wanted to get my feelings out there
It’s never nice visiting the care homes, even with very good ones, there’s no hiding the fact that the people there are very sick and often in pain whether it’s physical or mental. So it’s natural that it made you feel sad and down. However, your mum needs this break and her health is important too. It is only short term, but even if it did become permanent in the future you know you have both their best interests covered and are making the decision because of your love for them. It doesn’t really make it easier though 💕
DisneyDaffodil is offline Girl Mouse Click to view Members Trip Plans Add Member to Ignore List
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 03:23 PM.


Powered by vBulletin - Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
DIBB Savings
AttractionTickets.com

Get £10 off each Disney Ticket with the code ATDIBB10

Get up to £50 off per room at Disney or Universal with the code DIBBHOTELS


theDIBB Blog
Disney announced that a new nighttime show, “Disney Dreams That Soar,” will run nightly at... Read More »
Walt Disney World Resort guests can get ready to have a “glowing’’ good time when... Read More »
Aquatica Orlando announce the grand opening of its newest attraction, Tassie’s Underwater Twist, on 15... Read More »


theDIBB Menu


Exchange Rates
US Dollar Rates
ASDA  $1.2347
CaxtonFX  $1.2332
Covent Garden FX  $1.2452
FAIRFX  $1.2350
John Lewis  $1.2380
M&S  $1.2178
Sainsburys  $1.2337
TESCO  $1.2343
Travelex  $1.2353
Updated: 14:00 28/03/2024
Euro Rates
ASDA  €1.1426
CaxtonFX  €1.1404
Covent Garden FX  €1.1505
FAIRFX  €1.1432
John Lewis  €1.1457
M&S  €1.1263
Sainsburys  €1.1419
TESCO  €1.1425
Travelex  €1.1435
Updated: 14:00 28/03/2024

DIBB Premium Membership
Did you know you can help support theDIBB with Premium Membership?

Check out this link for more information and benefits, such as...

"No adverts on theDIBB Forums"

Upgrade Now



X