Appropriate Response ? Xmas Gifting

[jdybnsn]

Just wondered if I could get some views here...

My sister (who has been mentally unwell this year) phoned me to say she wasn't going to be doing any Xmas shopping this year and she was offering me a choice of gift vouchers or donation to charity - with a clear inference that I should be following my other sister's choice (when she was asked) of donating to charity.
She stated that her and her partner wanted no gifts and we were to donate any money we were going to spend to a good cause.

I didn't give her an answer there & then as I was feeling quite pressured by her assertive tone.

Well, I had thought about it since, and the more I've thought & discussed it with DH, the more sort of in two minds I've become that she seems to be imposing her way of doing Xmas on to me with an added guilt trip if I don't goo along with it.

Whilst I have every respect that she might like a donation to charity instead of a present - I'm entirely happy to do this - its her wish and her choice. I'm fine with that. But whilst I do not expect her to go out shopping if she is not mentally well enough to cope with it, I'm rather that her kind of Xmas shouldn't be seen as superior to the traditional Xmas of gifting our family always enjoy... and I know she will give me the guilt trip if I don't go along entirely with 'her' gifting plans and agree to donate my present money too.

Whilst I have to balance her mental wellness as a factor in all this, DH and I do regularly donate both time, and money, to charity through out the year , so I don't think we need the 'excuse' of Xmas to donate at Xmas Also I know full well our mother will be getting a present from her. So its not like she will be doing NO Xmas shopping.

Part of me is wanting to not do this mutual charity gifting on principle... part of me is thinking its part of her mental condition and I should just go along with it... I'd like some Dibb views to get some clarity on the best way forward here without creating a family rift.

DH says he feels it like a vegetarian/ vegan telling us that they don't eat meat, so we must not either ! ?

[parisdisneyfan]

My opinion is that, yes it is fine for her to not get you presents and if she wants to donate to charity in your name fine. However you like buying a present for her and that is part of your Christmas, so perhaps just something small but thoughtfully chosen, favourite chocolates, socks type of thing. I agree with your dh - my daughter is veggie and while I make her veggie food which we occasionally have too, we like meat! However if she started saying we shouldn't eat meat as well, unfortunately I think we would see less of her

Finally if there are young/small children on either side I think it is actually not a good idea at all, cut down yes to avoid the need for crowds and shopping but can't do it entirely.

BTW I have a love/hate relationship with christmas due to losing my mum a few days before but I try to join in and would never try to stop it being a big highlight of winter.

[Guest]

I would not be happy to be guilted into asking for my Christmas present to be a charitable donation. It is for me to decide when to donate.

So I would tell her no need to get me anything or do anything on my behalf at Christmas.

[Mr Tom Morrow]

I take the simplistic view - as I do in most things

Remove from the equation the things that are swirling around such as mental health etc.

Then you are left with her wishes v your views

To that end I would tell her to write this Xmas off and neither of you to do anything and revisit the situation next year. Job done.

[jdybnsn]

Thanks some good replies and food for thought ...


Good point about children... she does not have any, but I have two but they are 18 & 22years so not 'kids'. She told me they are giving them money - which at that age, is actually probably what they prefer (DS anyway, not so much DD) !

Yes I'm happy to donate HER present money from me, if that is what she wants - I've no desire to impose my kind of Xmas on her. But what also got me, was hearing her partner (who also has mental health issues) repeatedly shouting at my sister in the background "tell her she's got to have a charity donation, not a gift voucher" ... so clearly that's what they wanted me to say.

[Guest]

Originally Posted by jdybnsn

Thanks some good replies and food for thought ...


Good point about children... she does not have any, but I have two but they are 18 & 22years so not 'kids'. She told me they are giving them money - which at that age, is actually probably what they prefer (DS anyway, not so much DD) !

Yes I'm happy to donate HER present money from me, if that is what she wants - I've no desire to impose my kind of Xmas on her. But what also got me, was hearing her partner (who also has mental health issues) repeatedly shouting at my sister in the background "tell her she's got to have a charity donation, not a gift voucher" ... so clearly that's what they wanted me to say.

See more...

Why do you keep mentioning mental health issues?

[3disneykids]

Originally Posted by jdybnsn

Thanks some good replies and food for thought ...


Good point about children... she does not have any, but I have two but they are 18 & 22years so not 'kids'. She told me they are giving them money - which at that age, is actually probably what they prefer (DS anyway, not so much DD) !

Yes I'm happy to donate HER present money from me, if that is what she wants - I've no desire to impose my kind of Xmas on her. But what also got me, was hearing her partner (who also has mental health issues) repeatedly shouting at my sister in the background "tell her she's got to have a charity donation, not a gift voucher" ... so clearly that's what they wanted me to say.

See more...

I would just say that I already donate to charity of my choices and we just won't exchange gifts this year and any spare money they have from that they can donate to what charity they wish.
When I was young we stopped getting presents off the wider family at 18 so think I would just do it as a blanket thing for all of your family.

It sounds like it hasn't been gone about in a great way. I wouldn't be pressured into making a charity donation if that isn't what I wanted I would just make it clear that you are happy not to exchange anything

[soraia]

I take a slightly different view on this.
If she has said she doesn't want a physical present from you then I would respect her wishes and donate what you would have spent to charity (or whatever else she said she'd like)
However, that doesn't mean you have to change your way of thinking or doing Christmas. I would still do my own thing, get presents for everyone else in the family/friends, decorate how I like, eat what I like etc.
I don't see it any different as asking a family member what they'd like for Christmas and them saying "would love some pyjamas" or "amazon gift card" and then getting them that.
It's a 2 way street - you can be happy to respect her wishes and donate to charity for her gift but she will also need to respect your wishes that you have your own way of enjoying Christmas.

[magickate]

I would just politely say neither are necessary thank you and ask if she'd like to meet up for a nice meal together in the New Year instead. If her health allows.

[catherinesian]

Every year my family buy each other presents that nobody wants, and I personally have had enough of buying and receiving things 'just for the sake of it'. So I can totally see where your sister is coming from, to be honest. If I could cancel all the present giving I would do at the drop of a hat, but my family won't agree to it

Last year mum bought me a whole sack full of presents as normal. Including an Echo and Dot that I had told her I didn't want and have sat unused all year. Such a waste