So I told my girlfriend

[cartoonp]

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where the past governor happened to appear. She took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'
'What sort of question?' she asked.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''
The gov thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

[cartoonp]

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and
The cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

[cartoonp]

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping centre and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the kerb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"
"Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car
gave me a strange look and said,

Why don't you just put the handbrake on'?"

[BucksBugsy]

These are all good - keep em coming please

[cartoonp]

Thank you

Customer: I am looking for a globe of the earth.
Librarian: We have a table-top model over here.

Customer: No, that's not good enough. Don't you have a life-size?
Librarian: [pauses] Yes, but it's in use right now.'

[cartoonp]

We've all been passed by motorists on the road going much faster than we were. But you can imagine my shock at recently being passed by a speeding lady going down the middle of the road's dotted line at a truly breakneck speed (at least 100 mph, on only a two lane road)!
The danger she proposed was high, so you can imagine my relief when I passed her later on down the road parked in front of a car with whirling lights. Their conversation went something like this...

"License and Registration please," the officer asked.

"It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this," said the lady, smiling.

"Yeah, right!" he replied, "I've never heard of such a license."

The lady reached into her purse and handed him her license.

"Just as I suspected," the officer said, "this is an ordinary license, and I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration."

But the lady, still smiling, pointed to the bottom of the license.

"See? It says so right here: 'Tear Along The Dotted Line.'"

[cartoonp]

A hooded bank robber walked into a Texas bank and forced the tellers
to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and
pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the
customer without a moment's hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking
straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by
now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, 'Well, did anyone else see my face?'
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly
afraid to speak.
Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping
his head down said,'My wife got a pretty good look at you.'

[Mr Tom Morrow]

The missus bought a Paperback,
Down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...

In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Ethel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!

Watching Ethel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator!

Now if you knew our Ethel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
And stood on her left ***!

Ethel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!

Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

[loves2plan]

Originally Posted by Mr Tom Morrow

The missus bought a Paperback,
Down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...

In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Ethel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!

Watching Ethel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator!

Now if you knew our Ethel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
And stood on her left ***!

Ethel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!

Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

See more...

Brilliant

[cartoonp]

Originally Posted by Mr Tom Morrow

The missus bought a Paperback,
Down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...

In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Ethel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!

Watching Ethel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator!

Now if you knew our Ethel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
And stood on her left ***!

Ethel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!

Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

See more...

Love it