Caring for elderly relatives-

[Mr Tom Morrow]

Originally Posted by Gryff

When dad died my sister and I became her carers I worked 3x12 hour shifts a week my sister didn't work but I did 2full days got mum up 5days a week and to bed 5nights we did it for 5 months then mum took the decision to stop taking her medication not to eat she didn't want to face Christmas without Dad we respected her decision but my brother who lives 400 miles away couldn't understand how I as a nurse wouldn't force her until he visited the last week of her life ( he and silk were up 1 weekend a month to give us a break ) and she told him straight
MIL who gated me I looked after her on my own for 4 months still she died the wonderful DIL never gave a jot
All of this was in a space of 10 months and all wile our son was fighting a vicious battle for custody of our GD
We were all so burned out it took months to recover

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Helen. So true. Only those of us who have lived it know how much it takes out of you.
But like me we can hold our heads up and know we did our best.

[Big Jim]

I did more of the lion's share for Dad when he was alive but put it down to being the only daughter with brothers (rightly or wrongly). I did get cross with them at times but wasn't prepared to fall out and finally concluded that it was a lot less stressful to just accept they weren't going to help and let them get on with it. I now look back on the time I spent with Dad as precious and don't regret a thing plus I maintained my relationship with my brothers. To be fair, the eldest came into his own with all the practical stuff "afterwards" which I would never have been strong enough to deal with at that time. Make the most of the time you have, tomorrow isn't promised.

[Plato]

Yep it does seem that way. Been looking after Mum with dementia for the last 5 years until she moved into a residential home nearby about 12 months ago. Day in day out, cooking, cleaning, on the phone up to 20 times a day, comforting her as her dementia got worse, as she say crying in my arms because she wanted to die. It has driven me to tears on many occasions and restricts the way I live my life. I feel guilty if I am away for a night.

I still visit every day and it actually takes up more of my time now, as I visit for longer and speak to her often on the phone when she is distressed. Still take her for hospital / doctors / dentist appointments.

My only other sibling lives about 5 hours away, so cannot physically be there, but the only time he contacts me is to criticise Mum's care or raise concerns, as when he rings and sometimes she is distressed or upset. His phone calls last about 2 minutes, as I am often with Mum when he rings. It's always someone else's fault, he seems to forget she has dementia which gets worse by the day, but doesn't have to deal with the reality and nitty gritty of Mum's condition. It has driven a big rift in between us and I don't think I will ever forgive him for not respecting my views about Mum's care when I have been caring for her day in, day out for years.

[klr15]

Originally Posted by Ds4ljs

Sadly when people pass away, those that did nothing, want everything.

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That is so true! My mum did everything for my Grandad when he was alive with little help from her 4 sisters. One of the sisters didn’t see him for over a year and said she couldn’t come and see him when he was dying in hospital... Since he passed away she’s been trying to dictate everything, she wants to read all through his bank statements and check who owes him money and she wants to make all the decisions about what happens to his house and his belongings! It’s disgusting if I’m being honest.

[JP13]

I am one of 3 children but the burden falls squarely on me. I don’t have children so am perceived to have nothing better to do - I have a very demanding full time job and would like a life of my own, but hey...
I left my dream job and took one I didn’t really want as it meant I could work from home. I paid for a live in carer but as the dementia took hold it became impossible. Mum is in (fabulous) residential care now- but I am the one who visits, takes charge of her finances, makes decisions about her care, ensures she has clothing, toiletries and treats. Under the terms of mum’s will we will each get a third of her estate- she has considerable savings and I do my best to manage to preserve these. At least one of my siblings thinks they ought to get more than a third because they have children. So please don’t assume your childless, single siblings ought to do the donkey work- sure they should do their share, but we deserve a life too.

[EssexSue]

It's like everything else if you are that sort of person you just get on with it. I was the middle of a five generation family when my grandmother needed support. I did my best but unlike Tom and Helen I'm not convinced I could not have done more, it's something I have to live with. I did however do more than my mother, my siblings or my cousin's. I even ended up with her cat!

[princess allie]

Originally Posted by Mr Tom Morrow

Alison. Please take some advice from an old dog. Be careful you don't doo much and affect your health. It nearly broke me with Mum the last 6 months with no support from anybody apart from my Wife who was outstanding putting up with the tantrums and anger (from Mum not me!). The only way I got through it was paying for private carers and Sauvignon Blanc!

Your health comes first.

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Thank you so much for your reply. I am lucky that my husband is very supportive and willing to pitch in and lend a hand. I think I have been feeling the strain more as DH mother has just been allowed home after a 7 week hospital stay and so we have had extra stress and hospital visits on top of looking after my own Mum. The daily care, I can manage, but sometimes it would be nice if they just offered us a night or day off. When we go away on holiday, I think she may have to go in to a residential home for the duration, mainly so that I will be able to relax and not be constantly worrying that everything is ok at home.

[sam_b]

I agree that there are a lot of unfair situations reported here, however I have to disagree that when one sibling doesn’t have kids or a partner that they should do more. In my opinion the burden should be shared equally regardless of the life choices made by siblings.

[Clare]

It’s a very difficult position to be in, I have no siblings so everything falls on me, but in a way I’m relieved I have no siblings as that would be one more thing to stress about.

I work full time (10 mins drive away from our house), my 82 yo father has a very rare cancer which had already metastatised on diagnosis, initially given 3 months but 15 months later we are still in this nightmare, my 74 yo mother is type 1 diabetic of 50+ years and has limited vision, we also have good community nursing support but do not need carers yet.

I do feel under pressure but it’s the least I can do for my parents, I have a good friend who is caring for her Mum, she has 2 siblings who try not to avoid getting involved and they’ve had some big fallouts. I’m thankful I don’t have that issue too.

[KFJames]

I'm in a similar situation with my dad at the moment, diagnosed with dementia 18 months ago & now has heart failure & currently in hospital for past 3 weeks. I have sister & brother & have really had to bite my tongue with my sister... DH gets really angry with her & doesn't know how I do it ... families