Caring for elderly relatives-

[JLH]

Do you think it always boils down to the responsibility resting on one person’s shoulders ? I have experienced it for a while now and it seems that despite having one sister living just up the road from me I am the one that does the caring / organising etc whilst my sister does nothing . It’s actually got to the point now where it’s caused a rift between everyone and part of me thinks I should have just kept my mouth shut and things carry on as they were but the other part thinks no - it’s not fair . My sister works around ten more hours a week than me but has no family at home whereas I work and still have family. I am annoyed as my mum will be cross if we argue over her (and my disabled brother’s care ) but it’s so frustrating.

[klr15]

My mum was in a similar situation as you. My mum has 2 brothers and 4 sisters. When my nan was first diagnosed with dementia my mum was working full time and two of her sisters were retired. My mum still had me at home, but all her sisters’ children had left home. Yet it was always my mum going around to look after my nan before and after work. My mum was also the least financial stable out of all the siblings and yet she was the only one to give up work to become a full time carer. When my nan went in a home my Grandad became ill and my mum changed to his carer. By this point all the sisters were retired (except my mum) and yet it was always down to my mum to do everything. Everyone left everything down to her all the time and had the attitude of “oh Louise will do it”. It is very unfair and can be frustrating. I think you need to try and get other family members on board with you and make them see how little support you get. Good luck xx

[Guest]

For our family it seems to have all fallen to one person. My nan has dementia and for a long time my Auntie was her carer. Although my mum is retired too and lives a 45 minute drive away she barely visted (maybe 4 times a year). My nan is in a home now so has relieved the pressure off my auntie but my mum could have done so much more.

I also know when the time comes, I’m the one going to have to look after my parents. My sister lives in San Fransico so won’t be helping out.

[jocat]

It shouldn’t boil down to one person, but often does. You really find out what people are like at times like this.

My sister and I shared the caring for our grandad (our Dad had died when we were children). However our uncle, our grandparents only surviving child, did nothing. He’d turn up for half an hour every couple of weeks, increased from about once every 3 months before he was ill, despite living in the same town. Our brother was the same. Like you, my sister and I both had work and families to work around, yet my uncle had retired and my brother only worked 3 nights per week, which were usually at weekends. This meant they were both usually available in the week, but it still fell to us.

It does make you cross, at the unfairness of it, but I think you’ve done the right thing saying something. Does she think she’s pulling her weight?

It’s difficult though, as sometimes we can be our own worst enemies. I remember getting cross with my sister at times, despite her taking her turn. I can be a bit of a control freak at times though. I remember sometimes feeling that she wasn’t looking after him in the same way as me, yet no doubt she had similar feelings towards me. I think it’s more frustration at the situation and feeling stressed.

In the latter stages of his illness, unfortunately he had to go into a home. At that point, we devised a daily rota for visiting that included my uncle and brother, although they were still on it far less than my sister and I. But it did give both of us a much needed day off a week to devote to our own children.

I think the two males in our family thought we were doing a good job, and it didn’t even cross their minds that we might need help. I don’t think this is primarily a male vs female issue either - it just fell that way for us. Some people just don’t think about others in the same way.

I hope you get something sorted soon and your sister starts helping a bit more.

[marypoppins38]

Unfortunately that was the way in my family too. My sister lived less than 2 minutes walk away from my dads house and I lived 9 miles away. She had no dependants while I had two small children. I used to drive up there twice a day to look after him. She even on occasion would leave me a list of ‘jobs’ to do for him. Dads no longer here now and I have no further contact with her.

[Feebee2]

Ding ding that's me too. Not only have I got DM 93 also DH who has just got to the stage where he can't walk.
I did tell my two sister's they need to step up more and they have, marginally. DB has enough on his plate.
So I feel for you. Just keep on telling them nicely how it is.

[daisymae]

Seems to be. I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters yet the care really comes down to me and dsil and without dsil help I don't know what we would do. I live 100 mile round trip away and work every weekday so sil sees to mum every day except 2 days and I go down every 2nd Sunday and also deal with all things Financial. Mum is in very sheltered housing now and since moving in she seems to have become a lot more independent so sil doesn't have the same issues that she had when in mum was in her own house thankfully so gives her a bit more freedom. My oldest brother used to live a 2 minute walk away from mum and had to drive past her house to get to his but he hasn't come near her since my dad's funeral ( I'm sure he'll be getting in touch though when mum passes iykwim). The rest of my family may visit very sporadically but never offer to help. When mum was seriously ill and we thought she may need to go into a home one of my brothers actually said over his dead body, my sil soon put him straight on that one but he still only sees her once a year.

[WillSa6]

I know how you feel, I'm an only child, so have it all to do.

My DH is 1 of 5 and my FIL was in really bad health for the final year of his life. He needed someone to stay with him every night. A rota was drawn up between the 5 of them and my DH had to do 2 nights a week, despite the fact that 3 of his siblings weren't in serious relationships and had no kids. It all seemed rather unfair.

Unfortunately you can chose your friends but you can't chose your family

[Guest]

Originally Posted by WillSa6

I know how you feel, I'm an only child, so have it all to do.

My DH is 1 of 5 and my FIL was in really bad health for the final year of his life. He needed someone to stay with him every night. A rota was drawn up between the 5 of them and my DH had to do 2 nights a week, despite the fact that 3 of his siblings weren't in serious relationships and had no kids. It all seemed rather unfair.

Unfortunately you can chose your friends but you can't chose your family

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Oh interesting. I do get that you are thinking of practicalities. But if you think of it from another perspective, you could be suggesting that burden of care should fall to those that are maybe unlucky in love or perhaps infertile. That would not seem very fair to me, it is entirely possible these people still have a full and busy life can you believe.

I do agree with OP that it seems like care does always fall to one person though, seen it time and time again. It also seems like it falls to daughters more than sons and normally to the unmarried adult children.

To OPs if you did decide this is something you want to bring up with your sister, which certainly seems reasonable, could I just suggest that you don’t bring the lack of her own family into it. That could be very hurtful.

[chrisxal]

When MIL was getting to the stage where she needed help her own daughter stayed away it fell on my DH, he would work full time and then have nearly 2 hour drive over to see her and get shopping etc, his sister probably only came down to see her mother about twice in MIL's last year, however she had control of finances and MIL never would write a will I still believe SIL took everything.