So I told my girlfriend

[cartoonp]

Ive always prided myself .on putting something away for a rainy day. But boy did i get a shock wen i looked in the attic. Ive got 388 umbrellas.

[Mr Tom Morrow]

I asked my iPhone, “Surely I don’t need an umbrella today?”

Siri replied “Yes, and don’t call me Shirley”.

Turns out I left Airplane mode on.

[disney332]

My time machine was broken so i took it into my local time machine repair shop...

Man in the shop says...

They sure dont make them like they will do 😂

Disney332

[disney332]

I rang Sea World to buy some tickets...

Got one of those messages that said this call may be used for training porpoises.

Disney332

[cartoonp]

Some folks see me as a know-it-all. I'm not, but I have a reasonable memory, and it got me on a game show, once.

The television game show was being recorded - they do a whole week at a time, and this was the wrap-up. I was in the hot seat for the last big question.

The host turned to me, and read the question slowly and carefully. But I didn't know the answer!

Fortunately, I had a backup plan (there was no way I was missing out on this million bucks!). I haven't figured out how to do the fingers-in-the-mouth bit, but still manage to make a pretty piercing whistle. From the back of the stage, four mounted knights-in-armor appeared, waving their lances threateningly at the show's host. Little did I know HIS hidden talents...

The host looked scared for a moment, and then a steely look came over him. He leapt into the air, and karate kicked the first knight onto the floor. He picked up the lance from the stricken knight, and fought off the second, who also fell sprawling on the floor. The second knight's horse shied, and bolted, colliding with the third knight in the process.

The game show host was just beginning to enjoy himself now. He waved the spear he was still carrying at the fourth knight, looked back me, and said...

"Is that your final lancer?"

[disney332]

In WW1 a General was making a tour of the Hospital, he came to the first bed...

Whats a matter with you son?
Syphillis Sir...he replied
Whats the treatment?
Wire brush and Dettol Sir...
Whats your ambition?
To get out and join the fight Sir...

2nd Bed...

Whats a matter with you son?
Piles Sir...
Whats the treatment?
Wire brush and Dettol Sir...
Whats your ambition?
To get out and join the fight sir...

Third bed..
Whats a matter with you son?
Laryngitis Sir...
Whats the treatment?
Wire brush and Dettol Sir...
Whats your ambition?
To be the first with the wire brush Sir. !


Disney332

[cartoonp]

This was told to me by a Blonde young lady I know

The game show goes something like this: There are 3 contestants and 100 jokes that the host tells. Once a contestant laughs at one of the jokes, they are out. If one of the contestants gets through all 100 jokes without laugh, they win a million dollars.

So the 3 contestants are a blonde, a brunette, and a ginger. So the game starts and the host tells a joke. The brunette bursts out laughing but the blonde and the ginger hold it in.

The game gets pretty intense, but the ginger gets out after the 65th joke. Now all the blonde has to do is stay in until the 100th joke and she wins a million dollars. The host tells the 99th joke, and suddenly the blonde starts cracking up.

After the game backstage, the host asks her how she got out when she was so close to winning, to which the blonde replies, "I got the first joke."

[cartoonp]

A man received message from his neighbour …
Sorry sir I am using your wife…I am using day and night …I am using when u r not present at home….In fact I am using more than U R using…..

I confess this because now I am feeling very guilty…
Hope U will accept my sincere apologies…..

Man went home and had a big fight with his wife…….

Few minutes later he received another message…

Sorry Sir spelling mistake… it’s not wife but wifi..

[Mr Tom Morrow]

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

[cartoonp]

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.≈

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."

His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

"Well", he replied.≈ "I said I was 87!"