So I told my girlfriend

[cartoonp]

I seen this one some where before a few years back thought i share

This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript:

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"

Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

[Mr Tom Morrow]

The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”

“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.

“The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”

“What’s the good news?”

“Your cholesterol is 130.”

[cartoonp]

Congress has been hijacked by terrorists:
Washington DC is at a standstill and traffic is stuck in gridlock.

A man in a car is waiting patiently for the traffic to clear up but doesn't understand why it's there in the first place.

Another man is walking down the side of the highway with a bucket knocking on people's windows and talking to stopped drivers.

Driver: "Why is the traffic stopped?"

Pedestrian: "Terrorists are threating to douse congress with gasoline and light a match if they don't get $500k before midnight. I'm collecting donations from concerned drivers like yourself."

Driver: "How much are other drivers donating?"

Pedestrian: "About a gallon of gas each"

[Cosworth]

[cartoonp]

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil.
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

[Mr Tom Morrow]

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Color of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my Jeep.

Sergeant:
What kind of Jeep was it?

Husband: (sobbing)
It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer...
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)

Sergeant:
Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Jeep.

[Mr Tom Morrow]

An English athlete, a French athlete, and a Russian athlete are all on the Olympics medal podium chatting before the medal ceremony.

"Don't get me wrong," says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one's feet up and having a nice cup of tea."

"You Englishmen," snorts the Frenchman, "you have no sense of romance. The greatest pleasure in life is going on holiday without your wife, and meeting a beautiful girl with whom you have a passionate love affair with before returning home back to work."

"You Westerners are too complicated," scoffs the Russian. "The greatest pleasure in life is when you are sleeping at home and the KGB breaks your door down at 3 a.m., bursts into your room and says 'Ivan Ivanovitch, you are under arrest' and you can reply 'Sorry, comrade, Ivan Ivanovitch lives next door.'"

[cartoonp]

A police officer stops a car going 75 when the speed limit is 65. The officer asks the man driving if he realizes he was speeding.

The man replies, “Look right there — that sign says the speed limit is 75.”

The officer explains that that’s the highway number, not the speed limit. As he says this, he looks in the back of the car and sees an elderly woman breathing very heavily.

The officer asks her if she’s O.K., and she says, “Yes, we just got off of≈highway 111

[cartoonp]

Where do cats always fly out of when they travel? Kitty Hawk!

[Mr Tom Morrow]

Top 10 reasons why dogs are better pets than cats

Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.

Cats look silly on a leash.

When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.

Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you’ve ever made since the day you were born.

A dog knows when you’re sad. And he’ll try to comfort you. Cats don’t care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.

Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.

When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their private basket, or they won’t go at all.

Dogs will come when you call them. And they’ll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.

Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only things cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they’re in pain.

Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.