WWYD? - Been informed estranged father is ill.

[LadyDebs86]

HI Dibbers.

For reasons I won't go into now I have been estranged from my father since 2012. Previously we were very close however after the passing of my mum he did some truly unforgivable things and for the sake of my own mental health and wellbeing I had to cut ties. He now lives in Australia.

I have just received a message from his wife (who I am not on good terms with, to put it mildly) saying he is currently very ill in hospital with heart problems and is having an operation on Monday. She said he would like to hear from me and gave me his number.

I am very conflicted about this. I have never received an apology from him over the things that went on and he's never really made much effort to fix things with me - although in fairness I did tell him not to contact me. I have no wish to have a relationship with him.

I've often been told 'ooh, but how would you feel if he died, life's too short' etc etc by people who don't really know the situation however the way I see it is I never really had a decision to make - I feel like it was him who made the choices and I never really had any other option.

However, I don't hate the man, I don't wish him dead and I don't like the thought of him suffering, and I feel like I should probably say something. But I have no idea what. I can't say I love him or am worried about him as that would be a lie and would give him false expectations if he does pull through it.

I'd really appreciate advice although anything along the lines of the above ('just make up, have a heart, forgive and forget' etc) don't really help as it's just not going to happen.

Thanks.

[BevS97]

Which would you regret more. Not getting in touch and not getting a chance to speak to him.

Or

Getting in touch and having an awkward conversation.



Personally I’d have to reach out. But I haven’t been in your shoes. Just say hello. You don’t have to say you love him etc.

[Edna Cloud]

I don't think you will regret that you gave him the chance to speak to you; you might regret that you didn't.

What is the worst that can happen if you do speak to him? He is on the other side of the world. The worst is that he underlines your previous decision to cut ties.

What is the best that can happen if you do speak to him? You could have had a moment with him that will leave you both in a better place, no matter what happens with his health.

No-one can tell you what to do though; you must do what you think is best.

Good luck

EC

[dubletrub]

I would ring, he might actually want to apologise and build some bridges. If he doesn't and you are not happy wish him well and then say goodbye.

Not quite the same but my mum and her sister fell out in 1990, they never spoke again until my mum was dying in hospital. My aunt rang and asked if she could go and visit to say her goodbyes as she felt bad they had never made up. I think it did them both good x

[400ixl]

I'd tend to agree.

You don't know if he is going to take this opportunity to try to put things right, or if he will act as if he is still in the right.

Only you can decide whether the former would make a difference to your relationship now, or how you would react / feel if it was all dragged up again. Appreciate is won't make a huge change but it may just be enough to give some closure. If you feel that it won't make a difference no matter what the conversation is, then perhaps better to not even go there.

A hard dilemma and neither option is wrong for you as long as you are comfortable with the decision you make. If you do reach out I hope it is a good conversation and all the best for his surgery.

[srh]

Hmmm tricky.

I don't know the circumstances, but think I have had a similar situation.

You could always text him your number and say something like
'this is my number if you would like to talk to me', which would leave the ball in his court so to speak.

[Mexy02]

My dh is estranged from his dad and has been for around 12 years , it goes way back and the story is deep . I’ve often asked him what he would do with a similar phone call and his reply is I lost my dad a long time ago . He grieved at the time I think.
His dad had many Chances to put things right , bearing in mind dh was the child , but never has so I sort of see his point as the years pass and we have our own children . You can only do what you feel comfortable with without any regrets . Good luck in your decision because it’s a real hard one unless you personally experience it. Xxx

[Sandra & co]

Are you going to have regrets if he doesn’t make it and you didn’t have a chance to talk to him? If the answers yes then call If it’s no the dont. I was heartbroken when my mum died but we were so close, I am glad I spent time with her and had a few chats on her last days.

[Mrs-Weasley]

I didn’t speak to my sister for 11 years and she recently passed away and if I’m honest like a previous comment said she died to me a long time ago. I don’t regret not speaking to her or getting in touch but it’s a hard choice and only one you can make. Sorry if that’s no help at all.

[Gabsnoot]

Only you know what is best for you but when I read this my first thought was ‘If he wants to speak to you then why doesn’t he make the call, why are you to call him?’

...and you only have his wife’s word for it, he maybe didn’t make this request at all, she maybe just thinks she’s ‘helping’.

I hope I’m wrong and I’m just being an old cynic.

I hope you find peace in whatever you chose to do.