I want to cry...feel so guilty

[Princess Ariel]

As many of you know we’ve had various issues with DS (19) over the last couple of years. He’s been in a MH unit since September this year after another serious DKA episode, which resulted in his kidneys starting to fail.
My brother also died suddenly in April this year and I’ve had episodes of sickness from work to try and support my son, however he always relapses.
Last month I made a serious medication error at work which has added to my stress.
I’m currently signed off sick from work for at least 6 weeks and have been prescribed antidepressants and am having counselling.
My DS is almost ready for discharge from the unit, they have already said he will need lots of support and monitoring when discharged.
I have made the very difficult decision to say I am currently not able to support him at home due to my own difficulties. I have tried to communicate with his dad (who has a spare room and no other children at home) to see if he will let my son live there and support him, however he won’t communicate with me and is evasive when my son tries to discuss the matter with him.
It looks as though my son will have no where to live now and may have to be admitted to a recovery unit which he has told me he isn’t keen on.
I feel so guilty and selfish but I am just not strong enough to manage his illnesses at the moment, my other two children have been through so much over the past couple of years and I need time to get myself well and be there for them too. I honestly cannot believe how his dad is acting over all this.

[katiec68]

Originally Posted by Princess Ariel

As many of you know we’ve had various issues with DS (19) over the last couple of years. He’s been in a MH unit since September this year after another serious DKA episode, which resulted in his kidneys starting to fail.
My brother also died suddenly in April this year and I’ve had episodes of sickness from work to try and support my son, however he always relapses.
Last month I made a serious medication error at work which has added to my stress.
I’m currently signed off sick from work for at least 6 weeks and have been prescribed antidepressants and am having counselling.
My DS is almost ready for discharge from the unit, they have already said he will need lots of support and monitoring when discharged.
I have made the very difficult decision to say I am currently not able to support him at home due to my own difficulties. I have tried to communicate with his dad (who has a spare room and no other children at home) to see if he will let my son live there and support him, however he won’t communicate with me and is evasive when my son tries to discuss the matter with him.
It looks as though my son will have no where to live now and may have to be admitted to a recovery unit which he has told me he isn’t keen on.
I feel so guilty and selfish but I am just not strong enough to manage his illnesses at the moment, my other two children have been through so much over the past couple of years and I need time to get myself well and be there for them too. I honestly cannot believe how his dad is acting over all this.

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To be honest with you I think you have done exactly the right thing.

If you are not in a good place to look after yourself how on earth can you look after someone else who has their own needs?

It could be a disaster for everyone.

When you say he's your son he is in fact BOTH of your sons not "my son" - by that I mean his dad has a responsibility to his own son too!

At least the authorities will accommodate your son - even though its not maybe exactly what he wants.

Can you have a round table meeting with the care givers and your son so you can explain in a safe environment why you are unable to assist AT THE MOMENT - this siutation wont be forever but you are doing the best for everyone here - not just you.

Best wishes

xx

[Irish]

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this, I have no advice but wanted to send hugs x

[caj]

Of course you feel guilty ... we are programmed to take on as much as we are capable of. And you have reached your limit. It sounds so tough for you ... I'm not surprised you are at your limit!

BUT you have made the right choice, you have to be in a place to have some capacity to offer that level of care. That's not where you are ATM. Your other kids need their mum well to be able to care for them too.

Maybe his dad, although he should step up is feeling incapable and inadequate to look after him too, espcially if you have done the minutiea up of the care up till now. Your ex will look at the situation and wonder where to start.

I hope, in time, your son realises that you have made the best choice ... and that you realise that you have too. In the meantime the very trite 'coffee, talking it out and hugs' to you!

[Mallky555]

You’ve done the right thing you can’t look after someone else when your not well yourself x let the hospital team and professionals involved find your son a suitable place to stay where he will be safe and get the care he needs x whilst you concentrate on getting better 😘

[Blue nose]

I agree with everyone else your decision sounds well thought out and and for the best. You have to look after yourself first to be able to look after others.

Think airbag on aeroplane - do your own before anyone elses.

[StorybookCircus]

Give his dad’s contact details to the staff who are trying to find a place for your son to stay. They should get a real answer out of him one way or the other!

[duchy]

Honestly if Dad isn't keen he isn't likely to be supportive enough and just go through the motions so a recovery unit with access to professionals who can fully support your son is likely to be less stress on you so you can recover yourself quicker.
There's always the option of weekend visits to you and a gradual return to your home rather than All or nothing.
Don't beat yourself up.

[Myakka17]

Does he gave a Social Worker? Or support worker that could negotiate with his Dad?

[Princess Ariel]

Quick update- DS will now be going to a recovery unit when they have a bed available, I think this will be really good for him as they will do lots of therapeutic therapy work with him and teach him to live more independently, such as shopping and managing a budget etc.
Once he is discharged from the recovery unit his Dad has provisionally agreed to let him stay with him.
This has taken so much pressure and responsibility from me for a while which is a relief and I am also seeing a counsellor which is helping me work through my feelings of guilt and anxiety.
Thanks so much everyone for your advice and support xx