Moving parent into care home

[ali-s]

Thanks. I will put it on my 'to do' list which seems to get longer by the day 🙄 I'm right now sitting writing clothing labels ( can't see them lasting one wash, but at least I've tried ) his present home tags clothing with the room number, so no labels needed. The new home requires labels. I'm hoping the care staff will stick them on.

[Trouble3]

Originally Posted by ali-s

Thanks. I will put it on my 'to do' list which seems to get longer by the day 🙄 I'm right now sitting writing clothing labels ( can't see them lasting one wash, but at least I've tried ) his present home tags clothing with the room number, so no labels needed. The new home requires labels. I'm hoping the care staff will stick them on.

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I doubt they will, unless you can get someone to agree to beforehand.

I use "Stikins" for most of Dad's clothing; they last quite well and are easy to apply (they have his full name on).
Only white socks for him and I have to use permanent marker on those... they have to be remarked every few months.

[Gill H]

I bought iron on labels - they didn’t last.

In the end the home wrote Mum’s name in with a sharpie.

[ali-s]

Yes I obviously can't use iron in labels and I'm not sure when I'm supposed to attach the stick on labels. Picking him up at 2pm, driving him 1 hour to the next home , completing all the admittance and payment stuff, doubt I'll have time to unpack and label his clothes.

[Mrs sun]

You are absolutely in your rights to ask for a social worker to carry out a DST ( decision support tool) if your father triggers this (meets so many of the needs) you then ask for a CHC meeting to assess for this! Do NOT accept no for an answer ! Remember you are in you rights to ask for this however .

[Smilesonfaces]

Originally Posted by ali-s

Yes I obviously can't use iron in labels and I'm not sure when I'm supposed to attach the stick on labels. Picking him up at 2pm, driving him 1 hour to the next home , completing all the admittance and payment stuff, doubt I'll have time to unpack and label his clothes.

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I used to use a label maker or sometimes just a marker pen. You can buy different types of labels including fabric. You could make up all the labels before you go. Will you have someone with you to stick them on while you concentrate on settling dad ? I labelled everything she owned because belongings go missing all the time. I started to buy cheaper clothes for mum because everything just went missing and I was constantly replacing stuff.

Hope all goes well for you all with the move.

[Silvercat]

My situation is very similar to yours - my dad is 87 and was diagnosed 2 years ago with dementia. He lives in his own home with my sister, who works 2 days a week. Mum died 6 years ago and dad has never really got over this. They have a very supportive (at the moment!) local authority, who supplement the cost of 2 carers per day, with one day a week at a day-care centre for one of my sister's working days, and one person to sit with him for 5 hours of her second working day. They also give my sister a 3-hour period once a week where she can have some time for herself, to go out with her friends, go shopping, or even just sit in her room with a book - she can choose the activity and the date/time of this, too. She also gets a small allowance (in addition to various benefits) from them to spend on an activity for herself each month. She has an allocated social worker who is very good and my sister has an excellent working relationship with. So far, so good.

We go over there as often as we can, they live 20 miles away from us, and sometimes we "dad-sit" so my sister can go out at other times such as to concerts, the cinema, etc. We also try to have "family visits" which involve us all being together, rather than us turning up just as sis is going out.

To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure I could do what she does for dad every single day, he is starting to become a bit aggressive now, doesn't eat much, and struggles to sleep all night resulting in a lot of broken nights' sleep for her too.

Earlier this year, before my sister got the support she needed, we had a massive row resulting from the pressure she was under, and our inability to be able to give her any more support than we did. My husband has his own health issues and we found it difficult to get over there to give her a break, plus we also really struggled to deal with dad - he is incredibly attached to my sister, more so since mum died, and gets hysterical and frantic/panicky if she is away from him for more than a few moments. The row was horrible at the time, and then dad ended up in hospital for 10 days with a UTI and we didn't know anything about it until afterwards; however, as he was incredibly difficult during his hospital stay, social services were forced to get involved and that resulted in a proper assessment being done and my sister being given all this support that she now receives from them, so it was a good thing in the end. It also resulted in our being more open and honest with each other - we have always tended to gloss over and not deal with any horrible things in our family, we always pretend everything is fine. Well this proved to us all that everything is not fine and we couldn't ignore it any longer. I now feel closer to my sister than ever, and we've always been really close, despite there being a 9-year age gap between us.

We have a brother too, but he lives in the USA and because he works for himself, he can't get over much. But he did come over this time last year and is due to visit again early next year. Because his wife's mother is also in residential care due to dementia, our brother is fully aware of dad's health. Bro also video calls them weekly so he is up to date with dad's deterioration.

I honestly don't think dad will get as far as needing to go into residential care, although he may prove me wrong! He barely eats anything, will only drink if you force him to, and we know his kidneys are failing. He is in so much discomfort, (he constantly itches everywhere and feels sick all the time due to the kidney failure), and suffers hugely from anxiety, that it may be that his body gives up at some point soon anyway. He also has COPD from years of smoking, which doesn't help the situation.

We've not had anyone in the family with this disease before and it has been so hard to come to terms with. My daughter has helped me a lot though, because she said to me at some point, "this isn't your dad any more, it's just a very poorly old man". And she's right. Cor blimey, this is hard.

[ali-s]

Silvercat , yes, that is so similar to our situation. Brother lives at home but works 5 days a week. We are 45 minutes away and could only get over once a week .
That's brilliant that your sister has been able to get support, but it must still be a struggle for her.
Since dad went into a home I've realised I'm not tending up every time the phone rings - dad would call me multiple times a day starting at 6.30am when brother went to work.
Dad is physically healthy , which makes things harder as he could be with us for years yet, but living in a home which I know he really didn't want.
I'll be leaving in 2 hours to go transfer him to his new home. I'm hoping he'll settle in the new place.

[Fluffypenguin]

It’s always hard, even though you know you’re doing the right thing.

My nan went into a home after three years living at home with vascular dementia. She lived with my grandad and my mum spent all day there, but as they were both elderly, it was no longer safe. She would wander off at night, and you could see she was unhappy.

Has his GP been much support in terms of medications and such? My nan’s GP was very helpful when she became very agitated and helped out with medication, which helped massively.

Two days after my nan was moved into the care home she lost the ability to stand or walk and this reinforced that we had definitely done the right thing. She also picked up mentally, became much happier and was able to have her medications reduced. She had a happy seven years there and the staff were lovely.

[ali-s]

He's not been on medication until now. Don't even know who his GP is - he steers clear of doctors 😄and of course he's recently been transferred to a GP near his care home and will have to change again to one near the new home.