WWYD? - Been informed estranged father is ill.

[Lemmonie]

I am in the same situation although my mother isnt dying.

In that situation I would continue as i am currently which is not giving it another thought. It took till i was 40 to realise I need not feel guilt as I was not to blame for being the child of an abusive parent.

I always felt awkward around her and continued to put up with her behaviours. Not any more and the relief is welcome.

I feel not hatred, no blame, no pity just nothing. I feel nothing. And thats the way it will stay, dying, healthy, happy, sad whatever.

[Bats]

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

I think you need to be clear what it is you want from any future situation. If you want an apology and won't move on until you get it, then you may have to prepare yourself for being short changed. Your dad may not be prepared to apologise ... so just be clear in your own mind what it is you want from any contact.

Good luck!

[Lindaelaine]

Originally Posted by ChrisS

When it comes to dysfunctional families, like many others, it's an issue we are so very lucky not to have.

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Same here but I think we are extremely lucky as it only takes one character to upset the apple cart through no fault of everyone else in the family . We have such a small extended family and we keep out of each other's business , meet up now and then for a catch up and we are all happy with that .close family ( our kids ) live nearby but we aren't in each other's pockets , we just seem to have got the balance right and I am truly grateful for that as its so sad to read some of these stories and I feel for each and every one of them .

[itsmeGAV]

I look at it this way..

If someone is toxic and is bringing you down as a person, cut them out of your life.

I'm in a similar situation with my own father where we don't speak and haven't done for around 4 years due to unforgivable things he's done and continues to do.

Just because someone is 'family' or "oh but they're still your dad..mum.." it doesn't excuse them for being toxic human beings, simple as that.

It's each to their own however and I hope whatever you decide is right for you

*edit* apologies didn't see that you had already messaged him, but good for you as you felt what was right for yourself.

[claireyfairy8]

Without reading all the responses, I would write a letter (email). I wouldn't want to get back in touch after 7 years of no contact.

Set out your position clearly, say what you need to say about the past and mention the future.

Say you wish him well but for reasons xyz, you don't want to have further contact. You still love him as your father but what's done is done.

[keith1973]

Originally Posted by itsmeGAV

I look at it this way..

If someone is toxic and is bringing you down as a person, cut them out of your life.

I'm in a similar situation with my own father where we don't speak and haven't done for around 4 years due to unforgivable things he's done and continues to do.

Just because someone is 'family' or "oh but they're still your dad..mum.." it doesn't excuse them for being toxic human beings, simple as that.

It's each to their own however and I hope whatever you decide is right for you

*edit* apologies didn't see that you had already messaged him, but good for you as you felt what was right for yourself.

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I agree a father is a little more than a sperm Donner he’s someone that helps to mould you into a adult.

[itsmeGAV]

Originally Posted by keith1973

I agree a father is a little more than a sperm Donner he’s someone that helps to mould you into a adult.

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Disagree with this quite a lot actually.

My mother helped me become the adult I am today and for this I will forever be in her debt. This has been without the help of my father...

Maybe this is why it's been so easy for me to cut ties with my father.

[SquishTheWhale]

Originally Posted by itsmeGAV

I look at it this way..

If someone is toxic and is bringing you down as a person, cut them out of your life.

I'm in a similar situation with my own father where we don't speak and haven't done for around 4 years due to unforgivable things he's done and continues to do.

Just because someone is 'family' or "oh but they're still your dad..mum.." it doesn't excuse them for being toxic human beings, simple as that.

It's each to their own however and I hope whatever you decide is right for you

*edit* apologies didn't see that you had already messaged him, but good for you as you felt what was right for yourself.

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Agree with this so strongly. Blood is certainly not thicker than water in my book and I won't forgive someone being a just because they are 'family'. So many people say 'you can't choose your family' well yes I darn well can. You always have a choice as to if you allow toxic people in your life.

I also strongly agree with a previous comment about these 'death bed reconciliations' being for their own benefit to make them feel better about being a crap parent. It's just selfish behavior, like they have displayed their whole life. If they really cared they would have reached out when there was still a chance to form a relationship, not when they think they might be gone soon.

OP I'm glad you made the choice that was right for you.

[ChrisS]

Originally Posted by LadyDebs86

I have sent a message. Just saying I’ve been informed he’s ill and that I hope his operation is a success. I’m sort of hoping I don’t hear back but at least I won’t have to worry I will regret not saying anything.

Thanks again for the advice. You’re a good bunch.

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Hi Debs, did you get a reply?

[itsmeGAV]

Originally Posted by swiper

We can all choose our friends, but you can’t choose your family!
This is where the problem begins...

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You can absolutely choose your family.. as per my original post, just because they're family it doesn't excuse them for being toxic people.