Family issues - advice/thoughts - update P29 post #217

[WhereIBelong]

I would say to him in no uncertain terms that you "need to talk with him about something"

that since they want to follow a different lifestyle you feel they are constantly critical of the way you choose to live your life - and perhaps you should not get together for DH birthday celebration as you do not wish the joy sucked out from it.

Followed up of course with "it is good for us to share our feelings"

[Clare]

I think you really need to talk to him from your heart, it will be hard for him to listen and very hard for you to say but it sounds like the time has come to confront how you feel, holding onto the hurt you are experiencing isn't good x

[StorybookCircus]

I've fallen out with my mum before as she's given away/thrown away things that I've stored at the family home, but I totally agree with the people above. Tell your son that you'd like to share your feelings, just as he has shared his with you. Honestly the way he's speaking sounds straight out of a self-help book (and rather smug, if you don't mind me saying!) Yet he seems to have skipped the page that says that you have the "right of reply"- otherwise it's not a helpful, honest conversation, just a statement issued to a shocked and confused audience!
If you don't feel like you can meet with him and discuss it in person, could you put your thoughts down in an email or even a letter?
A bit of practical advice- I understand that you've already apologied even more than necessary! But it's probably best to sort out anything else that he has stored at your place so the same argument doesn't happen again down the line. Get him to come over for a day and take anything he wants to keep back to his home, you could offer to help by driving him, making him lunch or taking the cast-offs to a charity shop or recycling centre. You'll have more space and less to worry about. Do it in the name of "new year, new start". You might find it easier to talk whilst you're working rather than during a meal with his partner (that you're paying for!)
As for all this lifestyle guru stuff- it might be that he's concerned for your health, as you're his parents and he wants you to live a long and healthy life! However, he's definitely going about things the wrong way and hurting your feelings by insisting that you're not doing enough or "doing it wrong". I have this problem in reverse- my mum is always trying to get me to follow "fad" diets and the latest health trends- and I just calmly say "it might be right for you but it isn't
right for me, let's talk about something else" It doesn't always work but it feels like a grown up response!

[Angela76]

Have you considered writing him a letter or e-mail? If you don't feel you can say this to his face it is an alternative way for you to clearly express your feelings without getting fumbled and flustered.

It would also give you the ability to back up things that he thinks you haven't done (which from the sounds of it would be a good idea). For example, he said you haven't contacted him much, you will be able provide dates and details of when you have been in touch which will give him the opportunity to check and realise that he was mistaken.

It isn't acceptable for you to feel like this when you are with your DS and DIL. Hopefully, your DS wouldn't want you to feel bad when you are with him, but maybe he doesn't realise how his behaviour is making you both feel.

[katiec68]

Thank you ALL for all your replies.

Ill reply properly later as im at work but I have to admit I agree with you all!

Big hugs to you all for your support.

Katie x

[Guest]

Has he actually been back to your house during this visit? It sounds like he is avoiding it tbh, so why is he avoiding it?

[Guest]

He has moved on literally and figuratively. Let him go.

You're between a rock and a hard place. Just stand back and let things develop how they will. The next time he asks you to jump, say no.

There is no way I would go to that dinner.

[knittedknickers]

I would write a letter explaining how you feel and then ask him if he wishes to respond to your letter ask him to give you a call. I understand that he feels a bit hurt by you giving away his guitar, but explain why you did it. To be honest I think giving away his guitar is something he has latched onto. My brother and I are always niggling at each other and I feel I am always treading on egg shells, this Christmas he came up and it was really nice and we have made a truce. I told him that if he upsets me I am going to tell him straight and he can do likewise do likewise. My biggest problem is that he is so tight and it is not as if he is short as he goes on holiday 4 times a year. Also his lack of mindfulness. If you write a letter you can read it over a few days and you can also ask someone to read it as well and get there opinion.

[skalexander]

Originally Posted by Cuxi

He has moved on literally and figuratively. Let him go.

You're between a rock and a hard place. Just stand back and let things develop how they will. The next time he asks you to jump, say no.

There is no way I would go to that dinner.

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I'd agree with this. I don't think you can achieve anything by telling him how you feel - from what you've said he isn't going to accept responsibility. Bow out of the meal any which way you can and wish them a safe trip back.

On a side note, he sounds old before his time, needs to lighten up a bit!

[soooexcited!]

I also agree he sounds like he's swallowed far too many US self help manuals and he needs to get over himself. Sit him down just you and him and point out very firmly how he's making you feel. I would be saying something along the lines of your my son I will always love you but I don't particularly like how you are at the moment. He's been very blunt with you and you have just as much right to do the same. Leave the door open until he's removed his head from his butt so he knows where you are and enjoy Hubbys birthday without him.x