Family issues - advice/thoughts - update P29 post #217

[Universal VR]

Originally Posted by katiec68

Thank you - each and every one - for your replies.

I have just shown the thread to my DH and he agrees with you all!

I wont reply to you all as it would be too long but we agree with each and every one of you!

Yes he is right up his own whatsit - he's got far worse over the last few years. (Going to America hasn't helped but its not new behaviour for him)

He has avoided coming home thats for sure - I dont know why except that he never really wanted to move from our last house in the first place. Although I waited to move until he had finished school and we are only 1 stop on the train from the main town and before we could drive DH (not his dad) would often pick him up at gone 11 to come home!

I think the pair of them do read too many books on "how to live your life". DIL has a masters in Child Therapy (not quite sure what that means) but they constantly criticised my sister and her parenting of her 2 babies who are 2 and 3 months! It seemed like they were constantly comparing what the kids did to what/how the books state where kids should be at I have NO idea how they will cope if they ever have babies of their own!

I know you are only getting my side of the story but I hope I've been as unbiased as I can be!

Part of me thinks we should tell him exactly what we think and part of me thinks there is no point as I will be the only one getting upset.

DH and I have had a long chat and discussed all your replies.

I think I will send him a brief e-mail saying Im sorry if I upset him, it wasnt my intention.
I will say however that I dont appreciate my/our lifestyle being criticised and that it probably isnt the right time to get together for dinner.
I'll re-iterate that I have always tried to keep in touch, that I love him and dont want to lose all contact as he is my only son.

I think ill keep it brief as it gives him less ammunition to hold against me should he wish to do so in the future - how bad is it that I actually have to think like that

Off to book a restaurant for New Years Day now

Katie x x x

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Good luck. Enjoy your DH's birthday whatever you decide to do. It's horrible when we're at odds with our children. I hope all goes well.

[soooexcited!]

Originally Posted by happytraveller

Well done-I wish you all the best They'll soon realise when they have their own children exactly what all that stuff is really worth

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Exactly. You enjoy your meal out you two.x happy new year.

[Sally42]

Oh my. To be honest, he doesn't sound like the sort of person I'd want in my life. However. He's your son.
Do you get on With your DIL at all, or could she been the root problem?

[Glee Fan]

I did read earlier but didn't have any advice, but now you've updated I wanted to wish you good luck x

[sam_b]

Hi,

No advice, just warm wishes. Its awful when those that *should* be the closest to us are the ones who hurt and mistreat us for whatever reason and in whatever way.
Have a great New Year celebration and fingers crossed one day your DS will realise what a rude idiot he is being.

[katiec68]

Originally Posted by happytraveller

Well done-I wish you all the best They'll soon realise when they have their own children exactly what all that stuff is really worth

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Exactly - you cant parent by the book can you? We all do the best job we can do!

Originally Posted by Universal VR

Good luck. Enjoy your DH's birthday whatever you decide to do. It's horrible when we're at odds with our children. I hope all goes well.

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Thank you

Originally Posted by sally42

Oh my. To be honest, he doesn't sound like the sort of person I'd want in my life. However. He's your son.
Do you get on With your DIL at all, or could she been the root problem?

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He has definately got worse - i.e. more up him self! I dont think she had more than 1 glass of wine all the time we were in cornwall. Now I dont drink much in the year as I train most days but at Xmas I do like to have a few drinks... especially on Xmas day when the champers gets opened at breakfast!
I cant see him doing the dairy/gluten free stuff of his own accord - his favourite meal used to be home made lasagne which even if I do say so myself is delicious. I took some to Cornwall with us to save my sister cooking - they both had the tiniest pieces youve ever seen!
She moans about her mother drinking too much etc.

Part of me thinks it was all a big party when he used to go out to camp and then for holidays (flights paid for by me!) but now he's married its a whole different ball game!

Originally Posted by Glee Fan

I did read earlier but didn't have any advice, but now you've updated I wanted to wish you good luck x

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Thank you - also seen your countdown - not jealous much AMI is my favourite place in the whole world!

Katie x

[evergreen]

Originally Posted by FairyNuff

Wow! I'd say he has his head rammed firmly up his youknowwhat!

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^^^^ this^^^^^^
Very sad for you as I'm sure you don't want to upset him because he lives away,but he needs a talking to and I would but that in the hands of your DH

[tocpe321]

Katie
Really sorry to hear what you are going through.
I agree with the poster that giving advice as a non parent is easy. Wait till they have kids of their own.
He criticises you for not contacting him, although it appears that you have. Has he made an effort to contact you as communication is a 2 way street?
The only thing that perhaps could have been done from an outsider's perspective is drop him an email when you were intending to give the guitars away. This is not meant to be a criticism of you, just an observation. I dont think that you have a duty to be the curator of all of his 'unwanted' belongings forever like some free storage facility.
I agree with others that you need to express your concerns back to him, otherwise he may never learn.
I hope things work out for you and your family.
Take care

[Pjamas]

I have a family member with a similar situation. It has caused all sorts of upset, this person who sounds very similar to your son cannot be reasoned with and I think actually enjoys all the conflict as it gives them an opportunity to play the victim. As much as I think you need to be honest with him, I also think he is desperate to be the hurt victim in this situation. Perhaps it would be best to just ignore his silliness, carry on the best you can and give no ammuniation for him to use. Invite him over for dinner, keep it on your terms and have a lovely time regardless of his rubbish. Not sure a big show down will improve the situation in my opinion.

[Infinity Red]

Maybe I'm a softie but I would hate to part on a sour note then have my only son return to America. It sounds as though he is under his wifes thumb, she probably pulls his strings. I would probably bow out of the meal but I would offer to buy another guitar and hopefully part under better circumstances.