Family issues - advice/thoughts - update P29 post #217

[JessBlu]

If he is your only son I would try to work it out!
You may regret it one day! Life is short !
Tell him how you feel and agree to disagree on live values but be happy spending time together.

I would also suggest that they pay their half of bills etc for future events.

[Reereef]

Hello there,

My mum gave my guitar away shortly after I moved out and the person she gave it to sold it...I can't remember taking her aside for words though lol.

To be honest it sounds as though your son and his wife take themselves very seriously and this is an annoying trait in anyone. They also sound slightly immature and expectant. This sort of behaviour goes on as long as the people around them enable it.

I'd still go out for dinner with them and I'd still probably pay, however I'd be suggesting in a happy way that next time it can be their treat! If they picked at what I was choosing to eat, I'd laugh it off and tell them to get knotted and I'd finish the meal with a great big smothery hug for each of them.

You need to show your DS that as much as you love him, you cannot be used and abused by him and his wife and that you deserve love and respect back.

Good luck op

[ely3857]

Sounds like an over entitled spoilt brat to me.

Seems very self involved and doesn't give a monkeys about anyone else.

He's a married adult. Will he change? Unlikely but not impossible. Question is do you want him as he is or can you live without him at all?

[bonnies mum]

You are not going to please him because he only sees things from his perspective and only his wife and himself matter.
Suit yourself what you do. If you don't go out for a meal with them then he will have something to grumble about, if you do go then he will just grumble anyway and it won't help the situation.
I would either say you are not going or if you do ge and he starts again then cut him off by making it clear that this was supposed to be a happy, social, family event and not an opportunity to be rude.

[Bouncing Tigger]

Originally Posted by janeg88

If you don't want to meet him for dinner on the first, then just say as much! (Give him
The detail you include here)

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Hear, hear. Just tell him the truth, after all that's what he's done and there's no point lying. If he doesn't like direct talk then flower it up, say something nice about him then tell him how it is. Make sure he doesn't interrupt and if he wants his say let him have it afterwards but then don't waffle or apologise.

[Mexy02]

I agree with others, it's time you sat him down as his parents and told him exactly how you both feel. X

[Guest]

If you honestly think he will listen to you say something but if he is so entrenched in his and his wife's world I would draw a line under it all and have a good peaceful New Year with your DH.

[Feebee2]

My daughter suffers very badly from depression. She says very similar things to me when she is very depressed. When she's stable everything is great.
Could you have a quiet word with dil and ask if everything is ok?
Believe me I know it's difficult to be criticized so badly but with my DD it's the illness speaking. Just a thought.

[JudyC]

I'm a bit of a softy, as I'd hate to fall out with my adult children. Maybe the guitar meant more to him than he said. My daughter lives away from home but would be hurt if I gave way the bits and bobs she has here still. Some things are sentimental, even though they are clogging up the spare wardrobe.
Even so I'd try and speak to your son, but chose your words carefully. Explain you'll just have differ on somethings, but it doesn't mean you don't love him. And ask if sometimes he could chip in for meals, or at pay for drinks/leave the tip. Rather than leave it until the awkward moment the bill arrives.

[katiec68]

Again thank you all for all your thoughts and advice. All of it very welcome

Originally Posted by Reereef

Hello there,

My mum gave my guitar away shortly after I moved out and the person she gave it to sold it...I can't remember taking her aside for words though lol. HAHA

To be honest it sounds as though your son and his wife take themselves very seriously and this is an annoying trait in anyone. They also sound slightly immature and expectant. This sort of behaviour goes on as long as the people around them enable it.
I agree - I probably should have challenged his "head up somewhere attitude" more strongly - I have had words but you tend to just give up when you never get anywhere

I'd still go out for dinner with them and I'd still probably pay, however I'd be suggesting in a happy way that next time it can be their treat! If they picked at what I was choosing to eat, I'd laugh it off and tell them to get knotted and I'd finish the meal with a great big smothery hug for each of them.
I am tempted to carry on as if their behaviour hasnt bothered me/us but I feel that this time is different - we only got to see them for 4 days and for some reason he felt he had to have a row with me!

You need to show your DS that as much as you love him, you cannot be used and abused by him and his wife and that you deserve love and respect back.
Yes - just this!

Good luck op

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Originally Posted by ely3857

Sounds like an over entitled spoilt brat to me.

Seems very self involved and doesn't give a monkeys about anyone else.
This made my DH laugh out loud - this is just what he says!

He's a married adult. Will he change? Unlikely but not impossible. Question is do you want him as he is or can you live without him at all?

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Originally Posted by bonnies mum

You are not going to please him because he only sees things from his perspective and only his wife and himself matter.
Suit yourself what you do. If you don't go out for a meal with them then he will have something to grumble about, if you do go then he will just grumble anyway and it won't help the situation.
Yes - rock and hard place!
I would either say you are not going or if you do ge and he starts again then cut him off by making it clear that this was supposed to be a happy, social, family event and not an opportunity to be rude.

See more...

Originally Posted by Feebee2

My daughter suffers very badly from depression. She says very similar things to me when she is very depressed. When she's stable everything is great.
Could you have a quiet word with dil and ask if everything is ok?
Believe me I know it's difficult to be criticized so badly but with my DD it's the illness speaking. Just a thought.

See more...

This is an interesting perspective - thank you. DS did mention that things have been tough - but then doesnt go any further when you ask for specifics!

DH and I have chatted - I dont think DIL was this strict on her diet and outlook when they got together. When they got together it was like one big party - he would fly over to the states at Xmas and Easter and then for 3 months in the summer to work at camp. She came here for one Xmas and for 6 months volunteering at one stage. They did this for 5 years until he decided it was kinda make or break as his career was starting to take off over here (he had a very good job at a high security mental health unit) and I think that the reality of leaving his freinds (and family) moving abroad, having to actually LIVE in a culture rather than just be there on holiday has been tough. However when I ask him if things are ok or if there is anything I can help with I get the brush off so I have to just let him get on with it

Whoever said having kids was easy didnt have any

Katie x x