Family problems. Need advice. Not sure if this is the place.

[DisneyBride08]

I haven't had to deal with any of my own teens yet. I can already tell my little lady is going to put me through my paces but I just have an observation and this is really a generation thing. I wouldn't say I'm that old but I could even see this in my niece and step-sister.

Teens just don't want or need to work for things anymore. It sounds like your daughter has everything she could possibly need without having to pay for it. It sounds like she has a self-contained flat and a car, which she now can't use which I totally agree with. I'm also assuming she doesn't need to pay for food or mobile phone bills. It sounds like you could easily rent out that space and make an income from it.

I have a brother who is ten years older than me. My mum always said she learnt the hard way with him. I also saw him struggle as a young dad and be without work for years.

I have had to pay for everything myself. My mobile phone, my driving lessons, cars. I wanted to work to get these things. I wanted a good job so I could get what I wanted. It was my drive.

I'm not saying living with my mum was easy. She was very strict with me. No friends in my bedroom etc and I did move our for the first time at 19 but that was because I had a good job and could buy a house. It didn't work out and I had to return home and start again. My mum is my best friend but I can't live with her at all. And she knows this.

What I'm trying to say is where has the drive gone in young people? I really just don't get it. I had a Saturday job as soon as I could but both of my nieces never ever wanted one.

[klr15]

Originally Posted by DisneyBride08

I haven't had to deal with any of my own teens yet. I can already tell my little lady is going to put me through my paces but I just have an observation and this is really a generation thing. I wouldn't say I'm that old but I could even see this in my niece and step-sister.

Teens just don't want or need to work for things anymore. It sounds like your daughter has everything she could possibly need without having to pay for it. It sounds like she has a self-contained flat and a car, which she now can't use which I totally agree with. I'm also assuming she doesn't need to pay for food or mobile phone bills. It sounds like you could easily rent out that space and make an income from it.

I have a brother who is ten years older than me. My mum always said she learnt the hard way with him. I also saw him struggle as a young dad and be without work for years.

I have had to pay for everything myself. My mobile phone, my driving lessons, cars. I wanted to work to get these things. I wanted a good job so I could get what I wanted. It was my drive.

I'm not saying living with my mum was easy. She was very strict with me. No friends in my bedroom etc and I did move our for the first time at 19 but that was because I had a good job and could buy a house. It didn't work out and I had to return home and start again. My mum is my best friend but I can't live with her at all. And she knows this.

What I'm trying to say is where has the drive gone in young people? I really just don't get it. I had a Saturday job as soon as I could but both of my nieces never ever wanted one.

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I have to say I do agree with pretty much everything said here. The majority of teens just don't have any motivation because they have everything handed to them! I'm 21 and my mum is similar to yours, she's really strict, we get on really well, her rules drive me crazy at times, but I respect them anyway because it's her home!

I never got pocket money growing up and as soon as I turned 16 I had fund my own life. I still live at home but I pay rent to my mum whilst saving up to buy my own home. If I didn't work, I'd have nothing, she wouldn't let me stay if I chose not to work!

I do think that kids these days get far too much and have life far too easy and it's this that's causing a lot of them to act the way they do! Obviously not all kids behave this way because of this, but I think a lot do!

The young people in my area are currently out of control. Slapping old people across the head in supermarkets, pushing old people in the street, harassing vulnerable people, throwing stones at buses and cars, it's disgusting. Problem is they don't have any respect for any one or anything, they don't have a care in the world, life is one big game to them!

[Queen of Herts]

Nothing anyone is saying is harsh. I instrumented the Boxing Day text. It's my DH who is the 'fence sitter' and just wants everyone to be happy but he has snapped (finally) with her several times but she doesn't give him half the aggravation she gives me.

Her awful behaviour has been going on for years now but now it comes with a strange new accent, knuckle cracking, strange hand twisting and laughing at any attempt to get her to be reasonable! Also, she has many piercings (started at 16 and permission from parents isn't legally required) and she has now started to have tattoos. When I type this it's like I'm talking about someone else but sadly I'm not.

[CarolynU]

Originally Posted by Queen of Herts

Nothing anyone is saying is harsh. I instrumented the Boxing Day text. It's my DH who is the 'fence sitter' and just wants everyone to be happy but he has snapped (finally) with her several times but she doesn't give him half the aggravation she gives me.
Her awful behaviour has been going on for years now but now it comes with a strange new accent, knuckle cracking, strange hand twisting and laughing at any attempt to get her to be reasonable! Also, age has many piercings and has started to have tattoos. When I type this it's like I'm talking about someone else but sadly I'm not.

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So do you have concrete plans in place for her leaving the home by the end of the month?
Where will she go?
What will you do if she refuses to leave?
What a horrible situation, but I agree that specific action needs to be taken which might be harsh in the short term but hopefully with a better long term outcome.
I hope that one day she will realise how her behaviour has impacted everyone so negatively.

[7SeasSailor]

You are being bullied by your children, invite them both to leave unless they modify their behaviour. Your house, you set the rules.

[yogadeb]

Originally Posted by Queen of Herts

Nothing anyone is saying is harsh. I instrumented the Boxing Day text. It's my DH who is the 'fence sitter' and just wants everyone to be happy but he has snapped (finally) with her several times but she doesn't give him half the aggravation she gives me.

Her awful behaviour has been going on for years now but now it comes with a strange new accent, knuckle cracking, strange hand twisting and laughing at any attempt to get her to be reasonable! Also, she has many piercings (started at 16 and permission from parents isn't legally required) and she has now started to have tattoos. When I type this it's like I'm talking about someone else but sadly I'm not.

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She sounds like she's been spoilt and I don't mean to sound horrible to,you , we did the same with our daughter and as a result got rewarded with a load of abuse and disrespect for years .

Op honestly the tough love worked for us so much quicker than we anticipated and things are so much better here since .

If she stays make sure you Dont go clearing up after her ( and him) don't cook for her/them don't do their washing and DO charge both of them some rent .
I'd give her nothing to them now other than a roof over their heads and only if they treat the family with respect .

Isn't it awful when your in this situation ? I remember it well and it wasn't too long ago .

[yogadeb]

Originally Posted by 7SeasSailor

You are being bullied by your children, invite them both to leave unless they modify their behaviour. Your house, you set the rules.

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Agreed ...

No 1- get your husband to man up a bit and help you lay down the law ( my one was allways the laid back peacemaker too which don't help when your in these situations as you allways end up bad cop)
You need to be a united front on this now as it will make you ill, also him manning up and speaking out may actually make them listen as he's usually not saying a lot by sound of it.

Both of you should make a list of things you want to change then ...

No 2- call a family meeting and lay the new rules down to the pair of them and tell them if they don't like it leave ! And tell them they will not get any more lifts or anything till things change ( even if places they want to go it is on the way )

Good luck ,

[Pjamas]

I believe this is all about expectation and entitlement. Unfortunately through well meaning actions it sounds like your children have acquired a completely twisted point of view and are behaving in this spoilt way. After I was 16/17 I never expected my parents to help me financially - of course they did but I was always eternally grateful as I was told from a very early age when I would be expected to get a job (16) and from then on the bulk of clothes/holidays/nights out were my financial responsibility. You desperately need to reset their expectations of you as parents. You are not liable to provide for them beyond the basics - they are adults and responsible for their own lives - of course if they are a wonderful credit to you that loving and respectful relationship may result in reward but it is by no means an entitlement. It is so common amongst young people - this ingrained sense of entitlement. Good luck, I hope you manage to sort it all out.

[beanbunny]

My children are not quite at that age yet, I have no advice other than what the other posters are saying sound like good advice to me. I do work in a secondary school though, and it does seem that the worst behaviour comes from the children who have parents that allow them to get away with it. Good luck and I wish you all the best and happier times in the future.

[Guest]

Wow, knuckle cracking etc...