Utterly Heartbroken and Devastated

[Guest]

I don’t see what you could do differently with your daughter at this point of time. Sounds to me like you are doing everything right. I think it is good that you encourage her every day and even try to persuade her to meet him and I don’t think you could frog march her over there. I do agree with the PP that you should never slip and let yourself or her say that he left “us”. She needs to be corrected every time.

I would take care with him building up false perceptions to others that you are stopping this by keeping out of their dialogue and not passing messages e.g. she doesn’t want to see you.

Re the meeting, I agree don’t go on Tuesday but don’t say it is because you are not ready. I’d be tempted to say, “I can’t do Tuesday as I am not seeing my solicitor until next Friday (say), so I will be able to meet you after then on one of these days.”

And I would not be bluffing on that, your situation re not being on the house deeds is complex (your rights are not automatic as unmarried, you will have to establish a beneficial interest etc, see links I posted a few days ago) and I think you do need to know the legalities before you have that conversation as he might blindside you.

Edited to add: Oh I forgot, re the comment about his head being all over the place. He was just trying to excuse his forgetfulness since it concerned his daughter.

I also forgot, I was going to suggest trying a lavender pillow or a lavender pillow spray to help with sleep.

[Mackenzies03]

Originally Posted by DisneyStacey

He has been texting DD each day on her phone - he doesn't go through me.

Sorry if I didn't make myself very clear - we have obviously still been seeing his family. They have asked her if she's spoken to her dad, and she has said "no, I don't want to see him or speak to him".

She has told him herself by text that she has nothing to say to him and doesn't want to speak to him right now.

I'm just trying to support her as best I can.
I think her reaction to the situation is perfectly understandable. I'm just trying to support her without interfering. If she wants to speak to him or see him then I will help facilitate that however I can.

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You’re doing the right thing and I wouldn’t do anything differently. As long as he can’t hold anything against you over it the it’s his bed so to speak xx

[Bats]

I think you're amazing! Dealing with this much better than I ever would.

Joa

[DisneyStacey]

Thank you all again for your kind words.

I really am trying my best for everyone involved - I may not always get it right, but there is no malice there. I do want my daughter to have a good relationship with her dad.


Although I'm angry and hurt, I do still love him and want him to be happy in life. I'm just disappointed that 1) it isn't with me and 2) the way he's gone about things.

I keep telling myself that it's like the tortoise and the hare. He has raced off into a new life with a new woman etc and right now it looks like he's winning, whilst I am left behind seemingly getting no where. I'm playing the long game, and in a year, two years, five years, whenever, I will be happier than I was before. And at that point, I've won. Regardless of where he is in life.

x

[catherinesian]

I really think you are dealing with all this so well - you will certainly look back and be proud of how dignified you were

I am 28, and whilst we have no children yet I have been with my partner for 10 years and adore him. It would absolutely floor me if he turned around one day and told me he didn't want to be with me. I cannot begin to imagine how devastated I would feel and so I really am so sorry that this has happened to you.

A similar things has happened to me (much less serious relationship many years ago) and to several people I know. In all cases, the man, once the excitement of the new relationship wore off, came groveling back to the original woman. None of them (me included) took them back

I like your analogy of the tortoise and the hare, and I truly believe you will come out of this happier.

[DisneyStacey]

Didn't realise how long it had been since I'd updated this thread.

Things are still incredibly difficult - trying to adjust to life without him.

The thought of Christmas is just turning my stomach.

The anxiety doesn't seem to go away for even a minute.

In some ways I am enjoying life more now - I feel like I actually have a life. I have a couple of the most amazing friends, who I just couldn't do this without. I didn't realise how much I'd lost myself. I'm actually enjoying listening to music again, and socialising. I didn't realise how much I'd withdrawn from everything. Starting to feel more like "me" again.

I had to meet with him last week. I had a ticket for him to watch DD's drama show. Morally, it didn't feel right not telling him to come along. Even though DD was adamant she didn't want him there, I think in the end she was glad he came and watched. I can only do what I feel is right.
When I met him, I looked amazing (if I do say so myself - well, I felt confident in myself at least!). He was shaking he was so nervous. He couldn't even pick his drink up. He started crying. Just couldn't stop staring at me. The next day he rang to "talk about DD", but told me that seeing me made him realise that he'd made the biggest mistake of his life, but that he's got to live with it.
I was considering meeting him to discuss things, but every night since then he's been at her house. He's virtually living there now in every way but on paper. If he seriously thought he's made a mistake then he would've called things off with her. He's just so scared of being on his own and having no one now I think. I'm not being strung along whilst he tries to have his cake and eat it - no way!

Him saying that has just messed my head up even more. Was he just emotionally manipulating me? Does he actually feel that way?

I just don't know what to think now.
I'm just keeping on moving forward and focusing on myself and DD.

Anyway, I just thought I'd do a quick update. To all of you lovely women (and men) who have been through this sort of situation and come out the other side - I salute you!
It's definitely made me realise that I never full appreciated the extent to which something like a breakup can affect you. x

[Loopylooloo]

You sound incredibly brave, and are being very fair, I think its nice that you didn't prevent your husband from being at his daughters concert, and secretly bet she was pleased he was there. Must be so very difficult for all of you really. He sounds like he is struggling with loss of his family unit, and perhaps has realised the grass isn't greener. But as you say, he needs to man up and leave her if he wants any chance of reconciling with you! It wouldn't be impossible to mend but would not be easy at all. I like that you are finding your confidence to go out more etc, that's a good thing regardless of your situation. Try not to dwell on Christmas too much, and if you need to talk, am here, I will be on my own this Christmas too as my husband is away working. Thinking of you x

[DisneyStacey]

Originally Posted by Loopylooloo

You sound incredibly brave, and are being very fair, I think its nice that you didn't prevent your husband from being at his daughters concert, and secretly bet she was pleased he was there. Must be so very difficult for all of you really. He sounds like he is struggling with loss of his family unit, and perhaps has realised the grass isn't greener. But as you say, he needs to man up and leave her if he wants any chance of reconciling with you! It wouldn't be impossible to mend but would not be easy at all. I like that you are finding your confidence to go out more etc, that's a good thing regardless of your situation. Try not to dwell on Christmas too much, and if you need to talk, am here, I will be on my own this Christmas too as my husband is away working. Thinking of you x

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I think he has definitely realised the grass isn't greener - he's had a similar conversation with his mum also. I can see now that our relationship had come to a stalemate. Without realising at the time, I think I was really struggling with life in general. But what I needed was for him to recognise that I was struggling and try and help me and us move through it together. Not abandon me for someone else, hoping to find whatever it was we were missing with her. It obviously hasn't worked for him.
I would be prepared to talk to him about things, but not whilst he is still with her. Even then I'm not sure whether I would be able to move past this and I think that's the problem for him. He could end things with her, and then I say that I can't get back together with him and then he's left with no-one.
I definitely feel more like myself again - like i say, I just didn't realise how lost I was. I was pleased to read your most recent update on your thread, Louise! I think it's definitely the best way forward for you both. You know where I am too

[djewkes]

Sorry but what an incredibly selfish man... he wants to be back with you but will stay with the other one in case you won’t have him back? So keeping her in hand even though she’s second best... how soon before he moves on again?

[amy56]

Just wanted to say how incredible you sound - so much stronger and full of life!

Whatever you decide to do about your husband, just know how amazing you are and make sure everything you decide is whats right for you, and on your terms - I would say you hold all the cards now, so play them how you want to. This is your life and you have total say in the next chapter - good luck and I hope you and your daughter have a great Christmas xx