Should we love those we hate?

[Sandra & co]

Originally Posted by mickey house

Stole or loaned, this is a dark cloud that you are allowing to follow you around for far too long (since the 1980s), so as an unqualified therapist I want you to let that dark cloud go away and for sunshine to replace it.

You have allowed this woman to bring you down for what was just money that wouldn’t have even been life changing, so you have to finally move on and accept that your life has almost certainly been a happier one that the woman’s, and it can be happier one still if you just let go and move on.

We’ve all had people steal from us or do things that weren’t nice, and holding grudges doesn’t make it go away, but we learn from those people and appreciate the kinder people even more.

I hope that helps.

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It doesn’t help but thanks! 🤣

[Silvercat]

Okay Mr Unqualified Therapist - how about this one. A long-time friend of my hubster's, who became widowed 2 years ago, has recently confessed she has always been in love with my hubs, and tried her best to have an affair with him. As he is a twit sometimes, and also a bloke, he is frightened of hurting her feelings so although he won't actually get romantically involved with her, he says he loves her too and always will. Bleurgh. I could punch her stupid face in. She has known him for longer than I have, but has been friends with me too for the last 20 years - not any longer. A couple of years ago, before she "confessed", we had mentioned casually to her that we would love to take her to WDW - she and her late husband had been with us to DLRP a few years ago, and she is a Disney fan, but she had never visited any other Disney parks. So she then went round telling everyone that we were going to take her on holiday to Florida! Her mum kept saying how lovely we were, so we felt pressured into asking her if she wanted to go with us in 2020, and I duly booked us all into the Coronado Springs Resort for last year, (she was paying for herself, but I said I would pay her £50 deposit for the time being and she could pay me back when she had the money). Anyway, when I finally found out she had set her greedy, cheating, lying eyes on my hubs, I cancelled her off our booking; however, I lost the £50 deposit and she has never paid me, the lying snake. (Consequently, our 2020 booking has now been moved to 2021 anyway). I asked her face to face why she was trying to have an affair with him, and she lied to me, saying, "oh, I don't want him in that way!" Well, her digital messages to him afterwards told a different story, (don't ask me how I know this, I'm not proud of what I did!).

So, tell me oh great one, how am I supposed to not hate her?

[Sandra & co]

Originally Posted by Silvercat

Okay Mr Unqualified Therapist - how about this one. A long-time friend of my hubster's, who became widowed 2 years ago, has recently confessed she has always been in love with my hubs, and tried her best to have an affair with him. As he is a twit sometimes, and also a bloke, he is frightened of hurting her feelings so although he won't actually get romantically involved with her, he says he loves her too and always will. Bleurgh. I could punch her stupid face in. She has known him for longer than I have, but has been friends with me too for the last 20 years - not any longer. A couple of years ago, before she "confessed", we had mentioned casually to her that we would love to take her to WDW - she and her late husband had been with us to DLRP a few years ago, and she is a Disney fan, but she had never visited any other Disney parks. So she then went round telling everyone that we were going to take her on holiday to Florida! Her mum kept saying how lovely we were, so we felt pressured into asking her if she wanted to go with us in 2020, and I duly booked us all into the Coronado Springs Resort for last year, (she was paying for herself, but I said I would pay her £50 deposit for the time being and she could pay me back when she had the money). Anyway, when I finally found out she had set her greedy, cheating, lying eyes on my hubs, I cancelled her off our booking; however, I lost the £50 deposit and she has never paid me, the lying snake. (Consequently, our 2020 booking has now been moved to 2021 anyway). I asked her face to face why she was trying to have an affair with him, and she lied to me, saying, "oh, I don't want him in that way!" Well, her digital messages to him afterwards told a different story, (don't ask me how I know this, I'm not proud of what I did!).

So, tell me oh great one, how am I supposed to not hate her?

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Kick that ##### to the kerb! 😡

[mickey house]

Originally Posted by Silvercat

Okay Mr Unqualified Therapist - how about this one. A long-time friend of my hubster's, who became widowed 2 years ago, has recently confessed she has always been in love with my hubs, and tried her best to have an affair with him. As he is a twit sometimes, and also a bloke, he is frightened of hurting her feelings so although he won't actually get romantically involved with her, he says he loves her too and always will. Bleurgh. I could punch her stupid face in. She has known him for longer than I have, but has been friends with me too for the last 20 years - not any longer. A couple of years ago, before she "confessed", we had mentioned casually to her that we would love to take her to WDW - she and her late husband had been with us to DLRP a few years ago, and she is a Disney fan, but she had never visited any other Disney parks. So she then went round telling everyone that we were going to take her on holiday to Florida! Her mum kept saying how lovely we were, so we felt pressured into asking her if she wanted to go with us in 2020, and I duly booked us all into the Coronado Springs Resort for last year, (she was paying for herself, but I said I would pay her £50 deposit for the time being and she could pay me back when she had the money). Anyway, when I finally found out she had set her greedy, cheating, lying eyes on my hubs, I cancelled her off our booking; however, I lost the £50 deposit and she has never paid me, the lying snake. (Consequently, our 2020 booking has now been moved to 2021 anyway). I asked her face to face why she was trying to have an affair with him, and she lied to me, saying, "oh, I don't want him in that way!" Well, her digital messages to him afterwards told a different story, (don't ask me how I know this, I'm not proud of what I did!).

So, tell me oh great one, how am I supposed to not hate her?

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I think I can sense your anger, and you have good reason to feel that anger and also hate. The £50 isn’t much of an issue as I doubt you are struggling having planned to spend thousands in Florida so I would let that go.

Anyone can love another person whether they be married or not, or it could be they just want to have naughty times with them. I would have to question why your hubby hasn’t blocked her or told her to go away etc, so I think your focus should be on why your hubby is encouraging her.

[Colette-S]

Originally Posted by Silvercat

Okay Mr Unqualified Therapist - how about this one. A long-time friend of my hubster's, who became widowed 2 years ago, has recently confessed she has always been in love with my hubs, and tried her best to have an affair with him. As he is a twit sometimes, and also a bloke, he is frightened of hurting her feelings so although he won't actually get romantically involved with her, he says he loves her too and always will. Bleurgh. I could punch her stupid face in. She has known him for longer than I have, but has been friends with me too for the last 20 years - not any longer. A couple of years ago, before she "confessed", we had mentioned casually to her that we would love to take her to WDW - she and her late husband had been with us to DLRP a few years ago, and she is a Disney fan, but she had never visited any other Disney parks. So she then went round telling everyone that we were going to take her on holiday to Florida! Her mum kept saying how lovely we were, so we felt pressured into asking her if she wanted to go with us in 2020, and I duly booked us all into the Coronado Springs Resort for last year, (she was paying for herself, but I said I would pay her £50 deposit for the time being and she could pay me back when she had the money). Anyway, when I finally found out she had set her greedy, cheating, lying eyes on my hubs, I cancelled her off our booking; however, I lost the £50 deposit and she has never paid me, the lying snake. (Consequently, our 2020 booking has now been moved to 2021 anyway). I asked her face to face why she was trying to have an affair with him, and she lied to me, saying, "oh, I don't want him in that way!" Well, her digital messages to him afterwards told a different story, (don't ask me how I know this, I'm not proud of what I did!).

So, tell me oh great one, how am I supposed to not hate her?

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What a piece of work. Screenshot the messages and show the, to anyone who asks why she is no longer going away you.
For once, MH speaks sense. Your husband needs to distance himself. She’s trouble

[Floridatilly]

Originally Posted by Silvercat

Okay Mr Unqualified Therapist - how about this one. A long-time friend of my hubster's, who became widowed 2 years ago, has recently confessed she has always been in love with my hubs, and tried her best to have an affair with him. As he is a twit sometimes, and also a bloke, he is frightened of hurting her feelings so although he won't actually get romantically involved with her, he says he loves her too and always will. Bleurgh. I could punch her stupid face in. She has known him for longer than I have, but has been friends with me too for the last 20 years - not any longer. A couple of years ago, before she "confessed", we had mentioned casually to her that we would love to take her to WDW - she and her late husband had been with us to DLRP a few years ago, and she is a Disney fan, but she had never visited any other Disney parks. So she then went round telling everyone that we were going to take her on holiday to Florida! Her mum kept saying how lovely we were, so we felt pressured into asking her if she wanted to go with us in 2020, and I duly booked us all into the Coronado Springs Resort for last year, (she was paying for herself, but I said I would pay her £50 deposit for the time being and she could pay me back when she had the money). Anyway, when I finally found out she had set her greedy, cheating, lying eyes on my hubs, I cancelled her off our booking; however, I lost the £50 deposit and she has never paid me, the lying snake. (Consequently, our 2020 booking has now been moved to 2021 anyway). I asked her face to face why she was trying to have an affair with him, and she lied to me, saying, "oh, I don't want him in that way!" Well, her digital messages to him afterwards told a different story, (don't ask me how I know this, I'm not proud of what I did!).

So, tell me oh great one, how am I supposed to not hate her?

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I don’t think being a bloke is an excuse to tell someone who has declared their love for you a reason to lead them up the garden path.
If she is in love with your husband the kindest thing he can do is to be honest and unfortunately blunt so that she can move on. Maybe loosing her husband has made her develop an unrealistic attachment to your husband. I would be more upset with your husband because he needs to put your feelings before hers, he needs to step away from this woman so that she can move on, at the moment it sounds like he has left her dangling.
In this situation I would feel sorry for her and upset/annoyed at your husband.

[megaflyer]

Originally Posted by Floridatilly

I don’t think being a bloke is an excuse to tell someone who has declared their love for you a reason to lead them up the garden path.
If she is in love with your husband the kindest thing he can do is to be honest and unfortunately blunt so that she can move on. Maybe loosing her husband has made her develop an unrealistic attachment to your husband. I would be more upset with your husband because he needs to put your feelings before hers, he needs to step away from this woman so that she can move on, at the moment it sounds like he has left her dangling.
In this situation I would feel sorry for her and upset/annoyed at your husband.

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I agree - it sounds like it this the husband that has nurtured and in doing so encouraged those feelings. Blaming and hating her is not going to help (and may make her more determined to win him over - that is not Susan how couples split ) it is the husband that needs the finger wagging in his direction. Dealing with those closer to home is usually far more effective (believe me I have been there tooo)


Hate can be a powerful emotion but is lesser than despising on the B Scale - reading last year the untethered soul and The Art of Happiness help focussing on what you should focus on and can change, even those one hates you can usually find something to understand them eg homophobic people I understand as they lack the intelligence (and emotion) to think otherwise so behave irrationally. I am currently reading on audio books bhagavad gita which is helping m understand the way one feels about things ...

[Sandra & co]

Silvercat your husband should be working out where his loyalties lie, I would cut ties with this woman and get dh to. If he can’t it’s more than a friendship. The £50 I’d let go, she’s probably lonely but no room for 3 people in a relationship. ❤️

[Nimbus]

Originally Posted by Cabbie

Interesting idea but what do you do about people like Adolf Hitler or Jimmy Saville? Not sure we can show them any love.

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But isn't it better to love them to show them the error of their ways rather than simply hating them?

Hate is destructive and achieves nothing whereas love is constructive and can help change a person.

(And by "love" I don't mean physical attraction nor being happy with what they are doing. It's wanting to help that person become better than they are or to become a decent human. That might require tough love in some cases).

[Nimbus]

Originally Posted by Silvercat

Okay Mr Unqualified Therapist - how about this one. A long-time friend of my hubster's, who became widowed 2 years ago, has recently confessed she has always been in love with my hubs, and tried her best to have an affair with him. As he is a twit sometimes, and also a bloke, he is frightened of hurting her feelings so although he won't actually get romantically involved with her, he says he loves her too and always will.

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What you're describing there doesn't sound like love. That's more physical/romantic attraction.

(Interestingly, your husband's reaction is possibly closer to love than hers. Although I suspect his reaction is more one of pity and/or fear).

So, for example, I love my daughter. I want what is best for her (not for me). I want to help remove any negativity associated with her if I can (whether that's to help with her problems or ensure she doesn't become a horrible person). I do not want to have an affair with her though - that's something very different.

I can love lots of different people (and it would be nice if I loved everyone) but still be happily married to one person.