My parenting being questioned. What do you think?

[littlelish0544]

My 14 year old son had a bit of a strop this morning because before he went out, I insisted he brush his collar length hair. He (as he has before) said he doesn't care what he looks like, and niether do his friends. I replied either he brushes it, or I will, or he goes nowhere. Consequently, he brushed his hair with such vigour, he could have scalped himself. So off we went and I gave him his money for club and lunch, dropped him in town after a calm conversation(which in fairness to him he didnt argue back with)where I went over the basic health virtues of washing, teeth brushing(something else he is reluctant to do!)and included hair brushing into this. Basic hygiene, basic self respect and presentation. I also pointed out that id never seen any of his friends smelly and unkempt. I also said that even if he didnt want to keep clean and tidy, it would be the very least he could do to show a bit of respect and gratitude for me ferrying him to club every week and giving him the £7. Anyway, he seemed ok and off he went. Now, ive just had a phone call from my 23 year old son who has told me other son has told him about this morning, and how at 14 he is old enough to make his own choices and I should respect him and give him space. That conversation was quite short as I told him that when he has children he may understand a bit better that at 14 I am responsible for ensuring my youngest is clean and tidy and if wont brush his hair, yes, I will do it, and we should agree to disagree. He put the phone down on me (no shouting by either of us.) This has been followed up by a text (bearing in mind im not playing girls world, im saying run the brush through your hair or I will! ) the text:
Hey, did a bit of research and gave what's happening with curtis as a hypothetical to people at work (including parents). Universally brushing his hair was thought to be too far.
Honestly mum if you suffocate him like yhis you'll push him away and discourage him from listening to you in the future about more important things.
If you want him to listen to you and respect your opinion in regards to drugs, alcohol & uni. Show him a little respect and let him decide whether he brushes his hair or not.
In the grand scheme of things he's asking for incredibly little and you're not showing him any respect x
So, what do you all think? I know there is a mix of age/family/ professions etc on here, and I only know one dibber personally, so I hope I will get a fair unbiased range of replies.
Thanks for having the patience to read all this!

[Guest]

I have 2 kids not as old as yours (10 &4) so I haven’t encountered the teen years, but my first thought was pick your battles. Personally it is not a battle I would have had.

[Dougie]

How about a compromise, if he is out with you/family he has to look okay and brush his hair. If he is out with mates he can do what he wants.

It's probably just a phase anyway 🙂

[chaffey]

I 100% agree with the stance you have taken. My 13 DD would try and get away without brushing her hair fi she could but she knows no hair brush no going out

[Behappy]

I have a daughter of 8, so again not into the teenage years yet. Without living the situation myself I guess it’s hard to say what I will do if I encounter that, however, all of that said I don’t think I would be saying I’d brush his hair for him. Nothing wrong in pointing out basic hygiene etc, however I think brushing his hair at that age is perhaps a step too far. 🤔

[Vanillapod]

I’m not sure. I would be the same as you to be honest but I can’t see DS putting up quite so much of a fight over it just yet.
I do tell him he can’t go out looking like a tramp and he laughs. He does sometimes say ‘who cares?’ but knows the answer is me!

[ely3857]

I agree 100% with you. If he doesn’t want to brush his hair then he needs a shorter hair style.

With regards to the older child questioning you. I’d be thanking them for providing their sibling with an outlet to vent however it isn’t his place to then advise you on what to do.

[Lell]

It's not a battle I would have had. There are likely to be much more important things in the future I would save the fight for.

[Whitequeen]

Yes, definitely pick your battles because there will be bigger ones than hair brushing, trust me!

I was a 'helicopter mum' with my DS (I have 3 girls, too) and it came right back and bit me on the backside! From the age of 14 he rebelled against anything and everything because he found out he had rights and his own opinion. He's 24 now and it has been a very hard slog getting this far without killing each other.
Choose what's important, think about what you say because he won't but he'll remember everything and chuck it back at you any chance he gets.
There needs to be some rules, of course, but choose them wisely and don't deliver them like the 10 Commandments or he'll not run with you. That's my personal advice, of course. Take it as needed.

[littlelish0544]

Originally Posted by Clairelovestate

I have 2 kids not as old as yours (10 &4) so I haven’t encountered the teen years, but my first thought was pick your battles. Personally it is not a battle I would have had.

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It wasn't really a battle, more a toys out the pram scenario as ge didnt want to be late to club. he is child no 3 and I am well versed in knowing when to side step stuff, it wasn't even an argument. I was asking really if im being unreasonable by wanting my 14 to look clean and tidy or should I really be letting him go out looking unkempt. Its not part of a "look"either, like deliberately back combed hair, it looks what it is, got out of bed, cant be bothered to brush it, sticking up at all angles matted long hair. Thank you for your reply x