So I told my girlfriend

[cartoonp]

What kind of kitten works for the Red Cross?
A: A first-aid Kit.

[cartoonp]

The solicitor says to the wealthy "art collector" business tycoon: “I have some good news and, I have some bad news….”

The tycoon replies: "I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first?"

The solicitor says: “Well your wife invested £5,000 in two pictures this week that she thinks are worth a minimum of £2 to £3 million.”

The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done…very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”

The solicitor replies:

“The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

[cartoonp]

Another from a few years back

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

[cartoonp]

Sad news today - a man has died at a chocolate factory after hundreds of boxes fell on him
He tried to save himself; but when he shouted " The Milky Bars are on me " everyone just cheered

[cartoonp]

Feeling a bit lonely at the moment and so I decided life would be more fun if I had a pet. So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.

I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink. So, I asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go down the Queen's Head with me and have a beer?'

But there was no answer. This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again, 'How about going to the pub for a drink?'

But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet. So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against the centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head and have a drink with me?'

A little voice came out of the box:

wait for it...its worth it!



*

*

*

'I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on.'

[cartoonp]

[cartoonp]

What is the longest word in the English language?

"Smiles". Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!

[cartoonp]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

[Big Donald 1983]

What weighs less than blue?

Light blue

[colin39]

A bloke goes to the council to apply for a job in the office.
The interviewer asks him,"Are you allergic to anything"?
He replies, "Yes caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before."
"Yes I was in the army"he says,I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.
Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says "Yes,a mine exploded next to me when I was there and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says,"O.K.
You've got enough points for me to take you on right away.
Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm... but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am-and carry on starting at 10.00am everyday."
The bloke is puzzled and asks."If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm ,why don't you want me here until 10.00am?
I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know."
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job,"the
interviewer says, "For the first two hours,we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.There's no point coming in for that."