I don’t want to always take my mum

[ClaireVC]

I feel very sad for you, you have been very kind and tolerant having her holiday with you for so long, and have shown great selflessness putting up with such difficult and controlling behaviour. Unfortunately I have a mother just like this, but who also is very selfish and only thinks of herself. After a couple of dire holidays which put great pressure on my husband and I, we no longer take her, and neither will my sister. I’ve explained we just want to holiday alone and also blame my husband for booking last minute as a surprise. You spend a lot of money on these holidays and family time is scare, you want to relax and thoroughly enjoy yourselves. It’s not wrong to think of yourselves, you’ve done your bit and at least she has friends to go away with.

[macdonald]

Originally Posted by SquishTheWhale

The problem with this is its very easy her her mum to say 'I won't do that anymore I'll be good' and then once you are on holiday its too late if she doesn't stick to her word or the behaviour regresses. If you try and put your foot down while on holiday she can use emotional manipulation, crying, making sure you all feel guilty and have a miserable time if you did go out and leave her.

I have some experience as my grandma is a nightmare and displays similar behaviours, especially the childish ones like refusing to eat and the victim mentality, through to threats of topping herself because people won't do what she wants.
She won't usually aknowledge her behaviour so it's very difficult to talk about it or tell her she needs to stop. Sometimes she drives my poor mum into the ground.

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..yes i see your point completely however the OP s Mum is only 61 ...

[PoohBears#1fan]

Ignore me if someone else has already said this (it's a very long thread now!) but would she fly one way on her own if say you invited her to join you for a week, giving you 2 weeks to do your holiday your way?

[CarolynU]

I’m older than your mum, a widow, I quite successfully travel all over the world solo, with friends and with family. That includes extended family.
I would be mortified if my family felt like you do about me, but that’s because I would never behave like the focus of the entire group dynamic all day every day. Dictating where people eat and then sulk when you don’t get your own way and ruin the evening is completely unacceptable behaviour.
So if you are going to still take your mum with you then there is only one way to deal with this and that’s through discussing and setting expectations in advance. You should tell your mum about some of the changes that you want to make and not ask her. Tell her openly how you feel and just be upfront that if she doesn’t feel that she is able to accept the changes then she always has the option to take a different trip which might suit her better.
Absolutely no way would I continue to place myself in a situation where one person is spoiling the holiday for others.
If your mum doesn’t want to go out one evening make sure there is something to eat indoors that she would like and then go out just as your family. If there were tears there would be tears. Likewise if you want to go somewhere that she doesn’t want to go. If you want to leave in half an hour tell her that and if she isn’t ready at that time go regardless. I bet you find that it would only take doing that a few times before she got the message.
I also completely understand that my family should go away without me and don’t expect to be invited. In fact I encourage them to do so. My happiness is my own responsibility not theirs.
Best of luck.

[PoohBears#1fan]

BTW I think she sounds like a older lady who's trying to keep hold of her family & her maternal role in it. I didn't read your post and think dementia or unreasonable, she's obviously alone and even at my age, with my kids ranging from 16-23 I'm feeling that loss of being needed as much.

Being able to recognise your issues doesn't make you a bad person, you sound like you have a wonderful relationship with your mum despite the challenges that kind of relationship can bring. I hope you find a solution.

[Bartswife]

The boot can sometimes be on the other foot. Our last holiday as a family of 4 was in 2013 and while of course I love my eldest son very much he is quite selfish, just his character, we have tried to put a stop to it but it causes arguments so I am no hurry to holiday with him again anytime soon although he has said when he has a family of his own we can holiday together. Built in babysitter I suspect

[Smilesonfaces]

I wouldn't lie to mum. You sound like you have a fabulous relationship with her and any white lies may affect this. Unfortunately you are going to have to be brave and just come out with it !
Have you considered booking a short break just you and mum. You could spend time together and it will soften the blow when you have the conversation about you doing Florida without her.

Good luck !

[myaquarium]

Originally Posted by Joshie1

Why would you want your kids to take you on holidays? This is exact attitude has the OP in the situation she is in. Let your kids have their own family holidays without you - go on your own holiday!

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I’m sure I said I’m dreading my kids taking me on holiday. Not I’m going on holiday with them.
And the reason I’m dreading it is il know they will try to drag me along on a few holidays which I may say yes or no but I probably won’t like the rejection when it’s time they no longer invite me. Definitely not having a go just my personal thoughts on how il react if I’m ever in the same position as the op.wish peeps would read the full context sometimes

[myaquarium]

Originally Posted by sammykitten

Do you really expect your children, when they are adults themselves, to take you on holiday with them? Its never crossed my mind I'll be in that situation, that I would be invited?

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[myaquarium]

Originally Posted by Claudette

You should read the OP, she wants her own family holiday. I expect your children do too. Let your children go on holiday with their own families. Go on your own holiday.

My parents and in-laws thankfully would not have dreamt of crashing our holidays so no, it is a not a situation that will one day involve us all. In fact most people do not holiday with parents once they are adults.

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