Eurovision - my review - Semi-final 1, Semi-final 2 and FINAL!

[Gill H]

So, the waiting is over. Last year’s postponed Eurovision is finally kicking off. And we are transported immediately to… a studio with some coloured curtains hung up. Oh. Well, OK then. Eurovision stalwart Scott Mills is chatting to Sara Cox (a last minute replacement for Rylan who is apparently unwell) and someone called Chelsee Grimes (nope, me neither). They are of course unable to be in Rotterdam and so will have to be content with commenting from the UK. Think Gogglebox without the comfy sofas.

Anyway, the Ahoy Arena in Rotterdam is currently welcoming 3,500 people (a restricted number, apparently) and they are seriously excited to finally be out of the house. There’s a quick preview of the ‘transparent houses’ which will be used to introduce the acts this year. These will pop up in various locations and have been filmed digitally to show the artists and various quirky things about them. Then we are reminded of previous winner Duncan Laurence, whose song ‘Arcade’ gave the Netherlands their first win in 44 years. And no, I can’t hum it now either. Duncan takes the stage in a ketchup-red suit and performs a new song on what looks like the holodeck from the Enterprise. After which we welcome the audience, the make-up artists and the dancers (but apparently not the camera crew or indeed anyone else). And then the hosts take the stage. There are four hosts, for reasons which are not exactly clear. Restricted numbers obviously don’t apply here. They are Edsilia, Chantal, Jan and Nikkie, and they seem to have been arranged in height order, as Nikkie is either very tall indeed or she’s hiding a pair of stilts under her sparkly dress.

I should explain, by the way, that as usual I will only post recaps of the 6 acts which didn’t qualify for the final. I will save describing the delights of the other 10 for Saturday night’s festivities, when the combined effects of an alcohol boost, a carb load and a sugar high should enhance my writing style.

The UK can’t vote tonight, so whatever happens next, it won’t be our fault. And with that, proceedings finally kick off with …

Lithuania – qualified.

Slovenia – a woman with very long blonde hair, in a white jumpsuit with a rather pointless cape. She sings a ballad called ‘Amen’ which is, predictably, enlivened by an invisible gospel choir now and then. Overall, worthy but dull. Next!

Russia and Sweden – both qualified.

Australia – this is their sixth year now, and they like to alternate between sending decent, credible songs that are just a teensy bit boring, and decent songs that have an eye-catching gimmick (anyone remember ‘Zero Gravity’?) This year they certainly have the gimmick – the singer’s hair echoes the ‘Technicolour’ of the title – but they forgot about sending a decent song. They’ve had to send a ‘filmed live’ performance as they obviously aren’t able to travel at the moment, but in all honesty you wouldn’t know, from the enthusiastic reaction in the hall. It’s all very frantic and strident, with a lot of wailing, and costumes seemingly made from bin bags and tinfoil. Bizarre, even by Eurovision standards.

North Macedonia – a much more straightforward affair. Vasil is a young man in a black suit singing a ballad called ‘Here I Stand’. Which has me wondering whether anyone has ever written ‘Martin Luther the Musical’ because this would surely be the standout number. Unfortunately the song wanders a bit and ends up in X-Factor winner territory, but you can’t fault the performance.

[Gill H]

During the ad break (which of course we don’t get, being on the Beeb) our commentators chat with Senhit from San Marino, who overcomes the technical problems long enough to tell us that rapper Flo Rida will be featuring in her song. Does that count as essential travel, guys? Then we go to the green room (which, as ever, is not green, nor really a room) to meet the Lithuanian performers. They explain that their notorious ‘finger dance’ actually consists of an E and a V, for Euro Vision. And yes, we’re all trying and failing to do this at home. And then they link to Australia for a quick hello, after which technical problems mean that Chantal has to do some quick filling in until we can get to…

Ireland – oh dear oh dear. This reminds me of one of those Eastern European novelty acts who make elaborate scenes out of paper. The poor singer has to strain her way through a forgettable song while running through scenery, pushing trees out of the way and coping with some very dodgy tuning. Finally she stands barefoot on the stage, belting out lyrics such as ‘only one way to go, this is the way back home’ which I fear will prove rather prophetic.

Cyprus and Norway – both qualified.

Croatia – she’s called Albina and her ‘art deco in space’ outfit is straight out of the 1980s Buck Rogers series – which perhaps explains the disco feel of the song. It’s called ‘Tick-Tock’ (no relation) and I find myself counting the minutes till it’s over.

Belgium and Israel – both qualified.

Time for another break so our commentators can talk to Dadi Freyr from Iceland. His group’s insanely catchy ‘Think About Things’ was predicted for great things last year (and as Sara Cox points out, it got played on Radio 1 and danced to on Strictly, which Dadi really ought to be more impressed with than he evidently is). That song was about his baby daughter, and this time their song is about his wife, celebrating the ’Ten Years’ they have been together. It really highlights the effects of lockdown, when the only thing you can find to inspire your songwriting is people who live in the same house as you. Maybe the family dog will get a song next. Anyway, back to the contest and…

Romania – the song is called Amnesia, and frankly the jokes write themselves. Tortured vocals from an anguished singer who has to cope with being dragged around and picked up by her backing dancers. She sings about ‘self-love’ a lot in this song, but I think self-indulgence is more accurate.

[Gill H]

Azerbaijan, Ukraine and Malta – all qualified.

And now comes the interval act, entitled The Power of Water. As usual, this is a chance to blow the budget on impressive visuals, writhing dancers and anguished vocals about sharing water. The storyline seems to be pinched from Frozen 2, and it’s all very a long way from the little boy who stuck his finger in the dyke.

Next comes a proud tradition of recent Eurovisions, the completely unfunny parody. This year it’s ‘Line of Eurovision’ so you can guess where their inspiration came from. As usual it is cringe-inducing. Seriously, folks, this is the time to put the kettle on and open another bag of crisps.

More filler, in the form of an interview with Sophie Ellis-Bextor (whose only involvement is dancing to the songs in her kitchen) then a film about how important Eurovision is to various past winners, all of whom serve to remind us that our glory days are long gone. Next comes more ‘Line of Eurovison’ but fortunately the cat needs feeding. A quick preview of three of the countries who automatically qualify – Italy, Germany and of course the Netherlands. And then we are ready to hear from the Big Cheese himself. No, not our beloved Jon-Ola Sand – he’s gone off to a well-earned retirement and handed over to Martin Osterdahl, who confirms that everything is in order and ‘we’re good to go’.

Fortunately the qualifiers are announced without too much faff, and it’s time to bid goodnight to Rotterdam until Thursday. See you then, folks.

[Mortimer Mouse]

Great review Gill. Lovely to see the show back in all it's crazy glory.
I'm looking forward to the main event on Saturday.

[Disney_time]

Thank you! 🙂

The beeb could just sack their lot and take you on from the comfort of your armchair.

Great commentary and looking forward to next edition.

[silverfox46]

I never get my head around AUSTRALIA in the Euro, how can that be.

[Gill H]

Originally Posted by silverfox46

I never get my head around AUSTRALIA in the Euro, how can that be.

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Israel's done it for decades. It is open to any countries who are in the European Broadcasting Union. Australia adore Eurovision and pushed for years to get in!

[Colette-S]

Been waiting for this Gill! Thank you 😊

[JudyC]

I love your reviews Gill. You could stand in for Graham Norton with your witty observations 😁

[Gill H]

Still working on Thursday’s recap due to family crisis. Will get it posted before tonight though!