Putting a loved one into care... guilt (Update)

[2littleboys]

Hi everyone

My dad has Alzheimers, he is only 61 and is in his 6th year of the disease. His condition has deteriorated rapidly over the last 6 months and he has lost his speech, mobility and basically has no cognitive function and cant even bathe or go to the toilet by himself anymore.

He still seems to know who we are though but when we speak to him about his illness he looks at us as if to say "there is nothing wrong with me"

My mum is finding it more and more difficult to care for him 24/7 so we had a social work review yesterday and we have been offered a respite placement for a few days next weekend to give my mum a break and to see how my dad gets on.

We both feel really guilty about this but I have told my mum she has to do it for her own sanity. My main concern is what to tell him, I feel the best option would be to just tell him on the day that he is going into hospital for a few days for some tests but don't know if this is the right way to approach it or not. He cant argue back but he can become quite aggressive if things don't please him.

I would greatly appreciate any advice from anyone who has been through similar.

[ClaireNJ]

I feel your pain & I think your idea is good, our Auntie Betty went into hospital then it was decided she couldn’t return home at 99 years old 😳😢 we told her she was going into a special home ( Care Home) until she gets better, she wasn’t happy at first & kept asking to leave with us when we visited, but now she’s ok & the best she can be
Please don’t feel guilty it’s for the best & it will definitely help your Mum with everything
Good luck xx

[skalexander]

My Nana lived with us and had dementia in her latter years, and it got to the point where my parents couldn't cope and she had to go into residential care. It was awful, my Dad felt so guilty, but it was the only way.

I don't believe that being less than truthful is the way to deal with your situation. Whilst people with alzheimers/dementia do have a poor short-term memory, sods law says that if you tell them something less than the truth, then that will be the thing they remember forevermore. Whilst I would agree there is little to achieve by telling your Dad where he is going in advance, as he may worry, I do think you need to tell him that he's going to a care facility for a few days, so he can have a break, and your Mum can too.

Just my tuppence worth.

[TracyW]

We used respite care a few times for my dad, he didn't like it, but he was treated with great care, and what you have to remember is that your mum needs the rest, it is sometimes harder for the carer.

[shona]

Can you take advice from the respite centre on the best way to communicate to your dad.

[DisneyDaffodil]

My BiL lives in a care home full time as he has Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s and was becoming increasingly violent and it was too difficult for SiL to manage alone with him. It was a very hard decision and he didn’t want to go into care and took a long time to accept he lived there. Every time SiL visited, he would kick off and want to leave with her. She persevered and told him that he lived there now and that she would visit every day. He has now lived there for a few years, and is calmer and well cared for. She visits him around 5-6 days a week so is still very concerned and involved in his care but she is far less stressed and her health has improved by him not living at home, and he gets excellent care from his carers too.

It’s a hard decision, but in your case, it is respite not full time. Your mother needs the break too and although I hope your dad continues to only need respite occasionally, it could become a permanent necessity at some point so at least the respite will prepare them both and the rest of the family of care homes and how to adjust. Care homes get a bad reputation and of course, there has been cases of terrible ones, but from my family’s experience I would say there are some excellent ones too. BiL’s home is very good, at Christmas they had lots of visits from carol singers and local school groups etc and parties and meals to enjoy.

[stephski25]

What a situation for you to be in!

We ended up having my great nan in nursing care after several prolonged hospital stays. She ended up falling several times (luckily not causing any physical damage) and her dementia worsened over time; she would do things such as make a cup of tea but put everything in the kettle and then the power would trip and she would have not a clue what was going on. After her last stay in hospital and after discussion with the medical team it was a joint decision made in her best interests for her to go into care. We did not have the option of respite for her, it was an either go or not go decision and it would have been against her best wishes to let her go home again. By this point she was physically reliant on others for everything.

I, and all my family, felt beyond guilty for her being in care but it took so much pressure off of us and we could be her family and not her carers.

I would be keen to try respite as it is not a permanent decision and you can see how things go. Try and sell it to him as a fun thing to do, like a mini holiday where he will do things and meet new people. Hospitals can be daunting, especially for those with dementia, so maybe telling him that's where he is going could immediately worry him and anger him. Is he under the care of a dementia support team or specialist nurse? Maybe ask for their advice how best to communicate this to your dad if you decide it is the best thing to do.

Best wishes with whatever you decide to do x

[klr15]

My nan has vascular dementia and my family had to do the same thing.

She was diagnosed in 2011 aged 79, my grandad was 83 so my mum gave up work to look after her.

Eventually she went so downhill in 2014, sometimes she couldn’t walk, she didn’t know who she was anymore, she didn’t know where she was, she was lethargic so the decision was made to put her into a home before she lost the ability to walk completely.

She moved into a home in September 2014, she wasn’t upset about being there because by that stage she didn’t know who she was or where she was so we were lucky in the sense we didn’t need to prepare her.

It was the right decision though, even though she lost her ability to walk completely not long after she moved in she did actually pick up in herself, she seemed a lot calmer and a lot more relaxed, she’s still there now and even though she can’t communicate other than a few random words that don’t make sense we can see she is relaxed and settled there.

It did my grandad a world of good too, although he wasn’t her main carer, he was still there whenever my mum could not be and it did take its toll on him.

Don’t feel guilt about it, there’s no guilt or shame to be felt about putting someone in restbite or permanent care if it’s what’s best for everyone, which it will be.

[traleegirl]

‘Dad, Mum is quite tired at the moment so needs a little break. We’ve had a chat with the doctor and he has suggested you stay in a care home for a few days so Mum can have a rest’
Honesty is the best policy...

[Unexpectedpenny]

I work as a carer. I fully encourage people to take up respite if available. It gives everyone a break and I am always saying you can’t look after someone if you aren’t well yourself.
That didn’t stop me feeling so guilty when my grandad had to have respite and then when my Nan went in to a home permanently!

Feeling like that just shows how much you care about him. You want him to be safe and happy. Sometimes that means respite or full time care is necessary. It’s a difficult change but he will be well looked after.