Eurovision Semi-Finals - my review

[Gill H]

Semi-Final 1

As per usual, I’ll only comment here on the acts that didn’t make it through to the final (although let’s just say that Israel is … unique).

We start with a montage of everyone making their way to Lisbon, in the style of an international version of ‘The Apprentice’ but without the overwhelming egos. Oh no, hang on…

Our UK hosts are Scott Mills (who is an old hand at this by now) and reality TV ‘celebrity’ Rylan – he of the scarily white teeth and Essex accent. Fortunately he’s dialled down his rather wearing manner this evening, wisely deciding that there’s enough lunacy happening on stage.

The hosts in the hall are four glamorous but rather stern ladies. In the style of the Spice Girls, I decide to name them the Natas, after the delicious Portuguese custard tart. So we have Horsey Nata, Princess Nata, Tarty Nata and Nightie Nata. They exchange some awkward banter, and eventually kick off the proceedings with…

[Gill H]

Azerbaijan – the song is called ‘X My Heart’ although she actually sings ‘cross my heart’. To paraphrase a classic Victoria Wood line, I suppose they think if they spell it with an X, more people will vote. The song is probably the first Eurovision entry to mention firewalls, paired with a lyric about being ‘stronger than cannonballs’. The singer is surfing on a white pointy rock, and is eventually joined by some men in white doing the same. Oh, and the rocks light up, for no obvious reason. Classic Eurovision.

Iceland – standard X-Factor ballad from an earnest young lad whose white suit appears to have been scribbled on by someone with a red pen. There’s a big high note at the end, which he totally fails to hit.

Albania – got through

Belgium – the first Bond theme ripoff of the night, a moody number sung by a woman with scary eyes. Bit of a snoozefest.

Czech Republic – got through

Lithuania – got through

Israel – got through

Belarus – ah, now this is pure Eurovision spectacle. A young lad with distressing tuning issues, singing to a red rose, while a red-dressed dancer performs flamenco-inspired routines. Then suddenly the dancer has a bow, but instead of an arrow she has – yes – another rose. Which she shoots at him. Thanks to some clever camera angles he catches it, but then turns round to reveal his back is covered in roses which have evidently been shot at him previously. It’s a bit of a gruesome moment to be honest, and not a great advert for any local florists.

Estonia – got through

Bulgaria – got through

FYR Macedonia – the act is called Eye Cue, see what they did there? Well, they were obviously so busy choosing their name that they couldn’t decide whether to do a pop song or a reggae song, so they do both. Neither of them are at all memorable, though.

Croatia – another slinky wannabe Bond theme, with lyrics about roses and horses in the rain, and a dodgy talky bit about Bonnie and Clyde. How can a song be this weird and this dull all at once?

Austria – got through

Greece – woman in a wafty white dress, with one hand painted blue for some inexplicable reason. I can imagine Nana Mouskouri explaining “This is the story of a leetle Greek girl who fell in love with a member of the Blue Man Group”. Despite the presence of ethnic drums, pyro flashes and a whole lot of anguished writhing, it falls a bit flat – as does her singing at times.

Finland – got through

Armenia – another beardy bloke, another angsty ballad. He’s apparently surrounded by a mini Stonehenge. I suspect the repeated word ‘Cammy’ means something very deep and meaningful in Armenian, rather than being a tribute to Ninja Warrior host and football legend Chris Camara.

Switzerland – the song is called ‘Stones’ and the singer seems inspired by Joss of that ilk. Sporting a vicious-looking leather corset and a jaunty hat, she belts out a catchy number which is enlivened by a flare bellowing out smoke. The chorus of ‘No, I ain’t throwin’ stones’ lodges firmly in the brain, but it evidently doesn’t charm the voters.

Ireland – got through

Cyprus – got through

[Gill H]

The interval act features last year’s winning song, sung by some of last year’s entrants, finishing with the composer/singer himself, plus his wife who co-wrote the song. My impressions of the song haven’t changed. It’s rather sweet, reminding me of a deserted bar at the end of the night. It’s understated jazz straight out of the soundtrack to La La Land, it’s in Portuguese and I still couldn’t sing you the tune if you paid me. Oh, and the singer still reminds me of a wistful hamster.

Then comes more awkward banter, plus a recap to give us those all important voting numbers. The UK can vote tonight, so you can blame some of the qualifiers on us.

Ah, it’s the green room, with more dreadful chit chat, followed by an unfunny sketch about people answering the phones to voters, and then a really bad spoof documentary called ‘Planet Portugal’ hosted by ‘David Attenburger’ that falls completely flat. Leave the jokey stuff to the Swedes please, they understand how to do this (anyone remember the spoof ‘Love Love Peace Peace’ song they did? Genius.)

Then after another recap, there’s some more chat and a sneak peek at two of the ‘Big Five’ qualifiers. Firstly, hosts Portugal, and then Spain. Then there’s a quick interview with UK’s entry, SuRie, in which the host makes a series of terrible jokes about her name. SuRie reacts like a pro, laughing gamely and trying to pretend this is her favourite way to spend an evening. The host has done a lot of rather scary research on the entrants, and could be looking at a restraining order if she keeps it up.

At long last, Princess Nata and Horsey Nata introduce Eurovision stalwart Jon-Ola Sand, who confirms that everything has been conducted according to the rules. He’s been doing this for years but still looks like a rabbit caught in the headlights every time.

And with that, the ten qualifiers are announced. There’s some surprise that Azerbaijan didn’t qualify as they usually do. And no Greece, so Cyprus will have to award their top mark to someone else this time. The last to be announced – after a tantalising pause – is Ireland, who haven’t qualified for the last few years.

And that’s it for the evening. Time to put the stopper back in the port bottle, and prepare for Thursday’s second onslaught. Goodnight, Europe.

[Gill H]

Semi-Final 2

As per usual, I’ll only comment here on the acts that didn’t make it through to the final.

Just like Tuesday, we start with the montage of everyone making their way to Lisbon (which looks beautiful, by the way), then it’s hello from Scott and Rylan. The ladies have changed their outfits tonight so I need to come up with new Nata names. May I introduce Flirty Nata in her off the shoulder red dress, Flouncy Nata in something pink that looks like it belongs on top of a toilet roll, Fringey Nata with a black V-neck fringed dress that just stays this side of an international incident, and Furry Nata who’s in a fuzzy red velvet number. One of them tells the audience to ‘Listen very carefully, they will sing this only once’ which they have evidently been told the UK audience will find hilarious. Then fortunately we get on with things, starting with…

Norway - got through

Romania – seriously spooky men with white masks on the back of their heads, backing a forceful lady in a short purple dress with a long train (short dresses with long trains are evidently this year’s thing). They’ve got round the ‘only six people on stage’ rule by filling the stage with black mannequins wearing similar white masks. The effect is unnerving and I keep watching to see if one of them moves. Unfortunately nothing so exciting happens.

Serbia – got through

San Marino – oh look, it’s Scarlet Witch and some gym bunnies. But they are not the most interesting thing about this performance. No, that would be the small toy robots – three in front of the girls and one to the side – who are moving their arms in time to the music. The robot on its own holds a pink placard which says ‘SOMETIMES’. Then the chorus kicks in and … hang about! Isn’t that ‘Heroes’, Sweden’s winner from a couple of years ago? It’s practically identical. So they distract us by bringing on a woman in red and white who completely rips off a Scary Spice rap. You know what they say, copying from one source is plagiarism, but from several sources it’s just research, right? Anyway, the robot has now raised its card to reveal the other side, which reads ‘SIZE DOESN’T MATTER’. No comment. Suddenly the robot lets the card flutter to the floor. I think next year San Merino should just send the robots and leave the girls at home.

Denmark – got through

Russia – yet another X Factor finalist. Apparently she should have performed last year but Russia withdrew for ‘political reasons’. She’s a wheelchair user, which I think is a first for Eurovision. Her staging borrows the familiar ‘enormous skirt with video projections’ trick, this time using the skirt to completely cover her chair and giving the effect that she’s sitting on top of a mountain. Bit uncomfortable with that idea, to be honest. She has a look of comedian Catherine Ryan about her, and one of her backing singers is a ringer for TV ‘cat behaviourist’ Jackson Galaxy. The song is completely forgettable, and even the visuals are pretty dull. Maybe she should have sung last year’s song instead.

Then Scott has a hairography lesson from Cyprus’ entry, and nearly sustains an injury. Back with…

Moldova – got through

Netherlands – got through

Furry Nata has a chat with some random Vikings in the audience, then it’s time for…

Australia – got through

Georgia – they are called the Ethno-Jazz Band Iriao. However, there’s very little ethno and virtually no jazz. Instead we get three very formally dressed middle aged men singing a classically-tinged song, accompanied by a keyboard player and guitar player who have seemingly wandered in from a different band. Oh, and a drum track that is totally unnecessary and distracting. When they get into their stride and bust out the harmonies, these guys are actually very good – sort of a Georgian version of the King’s Singers. And when they belt out the chorus in unison, they are beautifully together. After a rather underwhelming start, I’ve really warmed to this one.

Poland – two guys in hats, singing a song with a chorus of ‘light me up’. Only if I can turn down your sound, guys, those vocals are seriously off key. There’s a repeated line ‘tell me where to go’. Er, maybe to a singing teacher? Sorry Poland, not your night.

Malta – winner of the ‘nice staging, shame about the song’ award. She’s brought her own screens, and between those and the computer visuals in front of her, there’s not much room for an actual song. She’s joined by a random dancer, who seems likewise upstaged by computer graphics. The song is something about breaking the taboo and not becoming animals. She seems very angry about it. Evidently that’s how you make a Maltese cross (ladies and gentlemen, raise a glass to the 100th birthday of that joke).

[Gill H]

Rylan is chatting to the Iceland entry. I find myself wondering when the tailor will get to finish the shoulders on Ryland’s jacket. On to…

Hungary - got through

Latvia – a glum blonde woman in a red glittery outfit with another enormous train. It’s yet another moody Bond-esque song, called ‘Funny Girl’. She’s no Fanny Brice, though. Not funny, and not in tune either.

Sweden – got through

Montenegro – a classically influenced piano ballad that sounds like it was dropped from the musical Chess. It’s sung by a lad in a rather nasty blue woollen suit. He has a look of Lee Evans – maybe it’s the ears. He is backed by four ladies in white dresses, who are throwing bizarre poses. His vocals are a bit wobbly and this doesn’t really grab our attention.

Slovenia – got through

Ukraine – got through

And that’s it. The hosts kick off the vote and we get the inevitable recap. Of course we can’t vote tonight, but if we could have, our votes would have gone to Moldova and the Netherlands, both of which get through.

Next Rylan interviews somebody called ‘TV’s Richard Arnold’ who is a mystery to me, and ‘Dr Eurovision’ who is a mystery to everybody. It’s followed by our hosts giving us a ‘history of Eurovision in dance’. This starts off just as badly as you might expect, but is improved slightly when one of them proves to be a rather good dancer, and ends on a relative high with a quick Riverdance routine. It’s followed by a desperately unfunny sketch where Rylan is an intern working for Jon Ola Sand; then more chat with Richard Arnold (ah, he’s mentioned This Morning, that’s obviously why I don’t know him) and Dr Eurovision (nope, he pops up every year and I still have no idea).

Part 2 of the Rylan sketch is no funnier than the first. Then we get Rylan in person, talking to Saara from Finland (who apparently he knows from X Factor, which means she evidently has a following in the UK) and Ryan from Ireland. Ryan and Rylan, that’s confusing. Anyway, the interview is cut short by some breaking news. Apparently China censored two of the acts in Tuesday’s semi-final – Ireland (for featuring a gay relationship, rather than for weedy vocals) and Albania (because of their tattoos, apparently). Given that neither of those elements are exactly surprising at Eurovision, this seems a rather random decision. Anyway, the European Broadcasting Union are giving China a good telling off by not letting the network show Saturday’s contest. Tough luck, China, you’ll have to watch it on the internet. Oh no, you can’t. Ah well.

Anyway, next we watch a short film of Scott working as an extra in a Portuguese soap opera, and demonstrating nicely how to completely steal focus from the actors. Then Rylan has more chat with Dr Eurovision. Seriously, has this man no patients to see? There must be a few sore throats out there at least.

Flouncy Nata introduces the rest of the Big Five. Firstly, France, who are being chatted to by Furry Nata. The French lady breaks into yet another version of last year’s winning song, this time in French. Very pretty and she has a great voice, but I still can’t remember the tune. She then introduces the clip of the French entry.

Then we have Flirty Nata talking to Germany’s entrant, who she says is going to be a father soon. In a follow-up to Tuesday’s ‘borderline stalker’ behaviour, she eventually persuades him to reveal to the watching millions that they’re expecting a boy. Awkward moment, made even worse by a clip of the song, which is evidently about an absent father. Fortunately he lightens the mood by whipping out his ukulele (steady now …) and bursting into Denmark’s 2000 winner, ‘Fly on the Wings of Love’.

Furry Nata is with Italy, who explain that their song is a response to ‘terroristic events’ in various countries. After the clip, Furry once again tries to cheer things up with a quick chorus of ‘Volare’ – yes, that was a Eurovision entry, back in 1958, and it didn’t even win.

Finally, Jon Ola Sand once again confirms that all the voting has been in order. He always looks so solemn and ill at ease with the relentlessly upbeat goings-on happening around him. For those who remember Hi-de-Hi, he’s the Jeffrey Fairbrother of Eurovision.

Anyway, the ten qualifying countries are announced, and with a couple of exceptions, we’re not surprised at who’s got through. It looks like Saturday’s final will have a good range of styles, rather than being endless anguished ballads. And of course some delightfully bonkers staging too.

So, time once again to put the stopper in the port bottle (must restock for Saturday). See you at the weekend, all.