Preparing a child for loss

[smurfette123]

I have posted already about my dad being diagnosed and having surgery for bowel cancer. Today we received the awful news that the cancer has spread and there's nothing they can do except palliative care. We are now in the process of preparing to bring him home. He has always lived with us as he has MS and we have always cared for him.

My worries are my 5 year old. As you can imagine it's been a very emotional day. He knows that grandad has been very sick and had an operation and is still poorly. I don't know what to say, how to prepare him. He hasn't asked anything yet but he will. Can anyone offer any advice?

Kate

[sophiepop]

Bless you, this is such a sad situation.

When my Daughter was 6 her Aunty passed away. She was only 26. I can't really recall preparing Sophie, she did know that Aunty Cheryl was very poorly. When she died Soph was very upset and she couldn't really understand at all. But children are so resilient with things that adults struggle to deal with. She accepted that her Aunty had gone much quicker than the adults in the family did. One thing we did make sure though, was that our lives carried on as normally as possible. When we had the funeral Sophie didn't go, its a personal choice and I think for us, it was the right one. She did come to the wake though and everyone seemed a little bit lighter by the fact that a child was there.

[mrsmagoo]

We had this with my fil and i send you all my love. It's absolutely heart breaking. We told our kids 6 and 4 the truth. We said that the dr's had tried to make him better but sometimes they cant. We spoke about grandad all the time and i think they knew that he was going to die. We didn't use words like heaven as we arnt religious and having had training through work that said that saying they have gone to heaven is a bit like saying they went to the shops. When he did die it was heartbreaking. It happened 5yrs ago and only last week my youngest wrote a note to grandad saying "we still miss you". We still all about him all the time. There is a fantastic book called "badgers parting gift" which really helped my boys when my fil did pass away.

It's a tough tough time but you will get through it and your son will help you. We let ours ask questions and we answered them as best we could. If he has hospice care they should be able to point you in the right direction with regards to stories for children

Huge hugs

[daytonababe]

Its tough my children were older at 8 & 12 when my dad died so understood. They too had grown up with him being poorly still hit them hard when he died though.

I would just try and explain in simple terms that Grandad has a nasty illness and the Drs' can't make him better this time.

Best wishes to you all x

[Bazinga 39]

I have no advice really just wanted to send best wishes at what must be a very difficult time for you all x x

[smurfette123]

Thank you all so much. It's been such an awful day. My dad is the backbone of the family and even though you know it'll happen someday, it feels like being smacked by a bus when it happens. I just can't stop crying. I think I'll talk to his teacher tomorrow just to let her know how things are at home and she can maybe help keep an eye on him.

kate

[sophiepop]

Originally Posted by smurfette123

Thank you all so much. It's been such an awful day. My dad is the backbone of the family and even though you know it'll happen someday, it feels like being smacked by a bus when it happens. I just can't stop crying. I think I'll talk to his teacher tomorrow just to let her know how things are at home and she can maybe help keep an eye on him.

kate

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Yes, always a good idea and it is something we did too x

[mrsmagoo]

Originally Posted by smurfette123

Thank you all so much. It's been such an awful day. My dad is the backbone of the family and even though you know it'll happen someday, it feels like being smacked by a bus when it happens. I just can't stop crying. I think I'll talk to his teacher tomorrow just to let her know how things are at home and she can maybe help keep an eye on him.

kate

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My kids school were fab, they put in some Elsa support and when my fil passed away they helped them make a memory book.

[missybpink]

So sorry for your sad news, i was just going to suggest talking to the teachers as they can help the grieving process at school and maybe help with talking and preparing for the loss of your dad, my grandad died when i was 7 he was my only grandparent i wasn't allowed to go to the funeral but i did ask for my ears to be pierced as my grandad would always have conversations with me over it but i was to scared to do it each time i wear earrings now it makes me smile it was something personal to us maybe get some ideas of things your son loves about your dad a keepsake maybe i have seen some lovely memory bears/cushions made from clothing he wears, Big hugs to you

[meboo]

We have recently been through a similar situation. My two are older, but my sister's are 6 & 8. They were upset at the time, but we took them to the funeral and saw the reception afterwards as a 'party'. They have been fine since. We talk about Grandma in everyday chat and all four have kept the order of service by their beds. Not only are kids resilient but they have a beautiful & naive view of life and death. My mum was terribly young, but I can see just because she was their 'grandma' they considered she was in the same category as their friends grandparents who were in there 70s, 80s and even 90s. (I thought on and then got depressed when I realised they would also consider that I am old).

We told them all that mummy would be very sad and cry a lot, but that's because we were so lucky to have grandma. We also assured them that, even though we are sad, we know we will cope and everything will be ok. The boy especially needed reassurance that it's ok to cry and be sad. We named other male family members who would also be upset so he realised he wasn't being soft and that it was a normal emotion.

Three months on and my sister & I are not yet ok, but it is not as raw as it was and, honestly, the kids are fine. The loss is far greater for us. I now realise grief is not just the loss of a person but mourning the loss of opportunity they will have.

I am very sorry for the situation in which you find yourself. You will get through, and you will find a way to guide your children through. Take care x