Those with daughters?

[tinytots]

Originally Posted by Ellelledee

Thank you. I feel so bad reacting like this. When I met my friend today I said I’m so rubbish at this parenting lark she said you aren’t rubbish they don’t come with handbooks!
I think I feel like I can’t “be upset” by it as I’m the adult and I’m supposed to know how to handle situations and yet I seem to get it wrong.

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You are not rubbish. Parenting is a roller coaster and there’s always a new ‘first’ to deal with at whatever age. Take them back to babies any day. Much less stressful

[Ellelledee]

Originally Posted by tinytots

You are not rubbish. Parenting is a roller coaster and there’s always a new ‘first’ to deal with at whatever age. Take them back to babies any day. Much less stressful

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I said that to my friend today it was much easier when they were little! I always said it was hard as I never had any brothers or sisters who did something first and so my parents were already used to it. As an only child every time I did anything it was a first. To be fair though I was no hassle and much as I felt my mum was overbearing and I hated her control I respected that it was her house and even up until I left home at 26 and abided by her wishes and rules. I got a lot of stick from friends but I just accepted it.
My dd did say last night about how she has a friend who “is not choosy about her sleeping arrangements” and dd said she thinks her parents should be more concerned than I should. I do think that was a bit unfair but I think we both got a bit heated so I just let that go over my head.

[Leggibone]

Im 26 and still live at home, at her age I had been working full time for 3 years, running my own car, and the thing my mum wanted to know was all I in for dinner and when to expect me home - (and that was usually like, last train, just after dinner, in the morning, after work type stuff, no major specifics, just a general indicator so she didn’t worry), and quite honestly I feel this is fair all things considered! So Prehaps all that needs to be said is ‘I know your growing up, but as your mum I still worry, all i ask is a quick text so I know to expect you or not’
We all go through a phase of testing the boundaries a little, and similar to you daughter I did it later on too, but if my mum hadn’t said ‘let me know... ’ I wouldn’t have thought too. It’s also a massive change going from asking permission, to letting her know, and for a while it did feel weird!

[Jakey Neverland]

I agree just polite to let you know, I do think that perhaps because you where not home that is the reason she didn't let you know though?

[vanlou]

Don’t feel bad - it’s a nightmare! I think your comment about how you can’t do anything right is probably true - sometimes your 21 year old will want to be left to their own devices and sometimes they will want you to intervene. The problem is you will seldom know which is which, so you are bound to get it wrong more often than not
I don’t think it is unreasonable for her to let you know when she is not going to be home though.

I am really struggling at the moment to work out what my role is now in my daughters lives (they are 21 and 17). After spending the last 20 years living my life around them it is very strange to not be needed so much anymore We want our children to grow up confident and independent, but when they actually start being that you almost want them to be little again. Don’t like this growing up lark

[scoobydooby]

I have a 21 year old at Uni but here every weekend and holiday. I have two expectations. If you’re not going to be here for tea tell me before I start cooking. If you’re staying at a friends after a night out tell me even if it’s a late decision and a late text. I don’t make any other fuss but am clear these are the house rules. Works well and we are both clear. Perhaps you just need to reset the ground rules. Yes she’s an adult. It’s also your house. My rules are just courtesy to me.

[G54321]

Lots of what’s been said already resonates with me. My parents were pretty strict and there’s no way I would have been allowed to stay out into the early hours of sleep over at a BF’s house in my late teens whereas most of my friends kids do that now without a a second thought. I’m probably seen as quite strict by my own kids using the term loosely as they are 25 and 18. My daughter who is 25 bought a flat last year but whilst she lived at home she always let me know when she would be home and I think that’s a reasonable request and shows respect. Even now if she’s out late she often messages me as I still worry about her. My son is generally quite good about letting me know when he’ll be home but last year he went out and didn’t message me to say he was staying over at his friends. Needless to say when I woke at 4am and realised he wasn’t home he got some choice text messages from me and the next day I made it clear this was disrespectful. So far he’s not let me down again. It’s really hard being a parent and I understand your dilemma. In my experience it’s best to try and be open and up front, at 21 she is old enough to make her own decisions but you’re entitled to know if she’s coming home or staying away overnight. I always say to my kids you should be pleased you have. Mum who cares about you and they know that’s very true! Good luck.

[Guest]

I have two dd similar ages.
I check if they're sleeping at home and home for dinner and often forget and repeat myself Menopause lol.
If they go out clubbing I expect a text if they're not coming home and staying with boyfriend/friends.
I thought it would get easier as they get older but it doesn't, just different senarios!
Safety is my main priority, they are free to come and go as they wish all to soon they will have their own homes and families.
For all the "I am an adult mum" I am the first person they turn to when they need help or advice .I was happy to leave home,it was a different time,stricter could afford my own house.
Now it is harder to buy where we live so I want them to enjoy living in their home but also be respectful which works both ways sometimes I
Still think they're 10 and they remind me, they're good at that
You come across as a kind,caring mum

[Mackenzies03]

The fact you’re looking for advice, and taking the constructive on this shows you’re a good mum ❤️ Tell her how you feel and listen to what she has to say too xx

[Ellelledee]

Originally Posted by vanlou

Don’t feel bad - it’s a nightmare! I think your comment about how you can’t do anything right is probably true - sometimes your 21 year old will want to be left to their own devices and sometimes they will want you to intervene. The problem is you will seldom know which is which, so you are bound to get it wrong more often than not
I don’t think it is unreasonable for her to let you know when she is not going to be home though.

I am really struggling at the moment to work out what my role is now in my daughters lives (they are 21 and 17). After spending the last 20 years living my life around them it is very strange to not be needed so much anymore We want our children to grow up confident and independent, but when they actually start being that you almost want them to be little again. Don’t like this growing up lark

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It certainly is. I think my daughter doesn’t always know what she wants. A couple of months ago she snapped at me and said I was overwhelming her - it was when she first met the boy - they were just friends and she took me out for a coffee and told me there was a boy interested in her and she wanted to tell me about it (hence me thinking that if she was intending to spend the night at his house she would’ve told me). She had a meltdown and said everything was too much work/college/friends/the guy/me asking questions. So I backed off and let her do her own thing - she asked me to go out for coffee again and told me she felt awkward because I wasn’t asking her things and didn’t speak to her about him - I couldn’t win 😂.
As you say 20+ years living your life around them and putting everything else in my life on a back burner and then suddenly being redundant just takes some adjusting to.