Terrible jokes thread

[Endeavour]

I saw Cristiano Ronaldo in town today.
I said, "Can you sign my shirt?"
He said, "Have you got a pen?"
I said, "****, no. Hang on".
With that I threw myself on the floor, rolled over theatrically and began to cry.
He said, "How's that going to get a pen?"
I said, "Well that's how you ****ing do it"

[anji]

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot!

[Tinygog]

I was going to buy a belt made of watches.

I changed my mind as I thought it would be a waist of time.

[Sandra & co]

[disney332]

My friend wanted to be run over by a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits when it happened.

Disney332

[Endeavour]

I put a bet on 3 horses today - Sunshine, Moonlight & Good Times
Not one bloody winner! I blame it on the bookie.

[Endeavour]

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.

He said "can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homer is a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair".

[Endeavour]

I finally learned how to convert imperial units to the metric system!

It's a real 1.6 kilometers 6.35 kilograms for me.

[Alleycat]

Originally Posted by Sarah

What do you say to a blind deer?
No eye deer

See more...

What do you say to a blind deer with no legs?

Still no eye deer!

[adamtoonarmy]

I went to the Sealife Centre the other day but it was closed

Training Porpoises