Funerals and not wanting to go/ be involved?

[amy56]

Hi all,

So sorry to bother you again, but I just needed to talk to people that don’t know our family.

As many of you know, my dear mum passed away on Wednesday night and I’m really struggling with having to go to the funeral.

I obviously realise I must go, but I’m struggling to have anything to do with the arrangements - she is being cremated so I keep saying there’s no point in having anything except the basic coffin, she wouldn’t want loads of flowers that will just die (so we are having a small arrangement on the coffin which I’m then moving to my nan and grandads memorial stone as that is the only thing I’m certain my mum would want). I’ve chosen generic hymns and music as despite mum telling my stepdad that I apparently know what she wants, I haven’t a clue and we didn’t discuss it (unless it was hypothetical years ago and I’ve forgotten) as mum had been so scared in these last few months, that we never discussed her dying and what she wanted as I didn’t want to upset her.

I can’t face sitting down and trying to sum up my amazing mums life in a couple of pages, so I can’t help my stepdad and DH write the speech than my DH is going to say, despite him not wanting to do it either, bless him!

Am I letting my mum down by not giving her an amazing send off? I was with mum for her final moments and I know she is no longer here, I realise this is going to be closure for our extended family and all of her friends, but as her only daughter, I don’t need this as I feel for me it’s just dragging this out when I’ve already said goodbye, and I just want the whole thing over with as quickly as possible.

Am I letting her down? I’m devastated to think I am, but equally I think sitting down and trying to sum up her life in a few words will literally destroy me & I just can’t bring myself to even go there.

So sorry for rambling on with such a depressing post, as I say, I just needed to hear other peoples perspectives on this who aren’t involved or who have also been in a similar position xx

[munmun]

Originally Posted by amy56

Hi all,

So sorry to bother you again, but I just needed to talk to people that don’t know our family.

As many of you know, my dear mum passed away on Wednesday night and I’m really struggling with having to go to the funeral.

I obviously realise I must go, but I’m struggling to have anything to do with the arrangements - she is being cremated so I keep saying there’s no point in having anything except the basic coffin, she wouldn’t want loads of flowers that will just die (so we are having a small arrangement on the coffin which I’m then moving to my nan and grandads memorial stone as that is the only thing I’m certain my mum would want). I’ve chosen generic hymns and music as despite mum telling my stepdad that I apparently know what she wants, I haven’t a clue and we didn’t discuss it (unless it was hypothetical years ago and I’ve forgotten) as mum had been so scared in these last few months, that we never discussed her dying and what she wanted as I didn’t want to upset her.

I can’t face sitting down and trying to sum up my amazing mums life in a couple of pages, so I can’t help my stepdad and DH write the speech than my DH is going to say, despite him not wanting to do it either, bless him!

Am I letting my mum down by not giving her an amazing send off? I was with mum for her final moments and I know she is no longer here, I realise this is going to be closure for our extended family and all of her friends, but as her only daughter, I don’t need this as I feel for me it’s just dragging this out when I’ve already said goodbye, and I just want the whole thing over with as quickly as possible.

Am I letting her down? I’m devastated to think I am, but equally I think sitting down and trying to sum up her life in a few words will literally destroy me & I just can’t bring myself to even go there.

So sorry for rambling on with such a depressing post, as I say, I just needed to hear other peoples perspectives on this who aren’t involved or who have also been in a similar position xx

See more...

I totally understand where you are coming from.

As far as the eulogy is concerned could you simply sit and talk to your husband about the good things about your mum, the funny things, her likes and dislikes etc.

Could your hubby email other relatives to ask them for special memories and then he could put them together in a small tribute that you can appreciate and keep.

You should not have to write it just tell him your memories.

[amy56]

Originally Posted by munmun

I totally understand where you are coming from.

As far as the eulogy is concerned could you simply sit and talk to your husband about the good things about your mum, the funny things, her likes and dislikes etc.

Could your hubby email other relatives to ask them for special memories and then he could put them together in a small tribute that you can appreciate and keep.

You should not have to write it just tell him your memories.

See more...

My DH and I have been together nearly 30 years and so have my mum and stepdad, so I’m kind of hoping between them they can come up with the bulk of it and then I can just ask them to add little bits here and there if I think they’ve forgotten something major.

Thank you so much for replying that’s really helpful Xx

[marlouwrig]

I am sorry for your loss and realise that this is so difficult for you and I completely empathise with your feelings.

My Mum and Dad were each other's world and devoted to each other, but when it came to my Dad's funeral my Mum was adamant that the eulogy would be a bare bones factual affair and delivered by the Priest and not a family member. This was in spite of coming from a large Irish family where eulogies were heartfelt, long, emotional and delivered by at least one close family member. My Mum's mourning was done in private and definitely not in public. I followed the same process for her funeral, as she would have wished.

You should really do exactly what you are comfortable with. There is no right way and you were there when it really mattered to her. There should be only your way xx

[JudyC]

You certainly arent letting anyone down, I can understand that your mind is still in a fog after loosing your Mum. When my Dad died suddenly my Mum got one of his friends to write an eulogy. Unfortunately she didn't realised she needed to tell the vicar to allow time for it and it couldn't be read at the funeral. It was done later on at the wake. I did feel a bit guilty that I should have helped more and checked. My brother did the obituary for the local paper and that went in the wrong paper too.
What I'm trying to say is I'm sure my Dad would have laughed off these little mistakes if you can call them that. The important thing is he was well loved and remembered.

[Mr Tom Morrow]

This thread is a very clear example of why we should all make our wishes known well in advance even if they are broad brush only as opposed to full details.
I was fortunate with my Mum as she had left a detailed note so we knew exactly what to do even down to the type of cakes at the wake!

OP. I view funerals as horrendous things to attend but for a family member I see it as my final duty and to ensure it goes off well and is as the deceased individual would have wanted.

Not wanting to be involved is totally understandable but please ensure you don't take too much of a back seat as you may regret that in time to come.

You mention the eulogy and the fact your Husband isn't keen on delivering it. Bear in mid the Priest/Vicar etc can read it on your behalf if you so wish

My advice for a eulogy is be non specific but cover the good issues and also the funny ones. That lightens the day and brings a smile to faces on what is a sad day.

Wanting the funeral over as quickly as possible is a normal reaction so don't think you are wrong feeling that as you aren't.

Finally do what you think is right. My late Dad hated waste and his instructions were rigid. One flower arrangement only etc. That's what we did.

[Gill H]

You are doing your best for your mum and she would know your heart.

Eulogies are quite a new thing and lots of people don’t have them. There is absolutely no expectation that you would write it or say anything if you don’t feel you can.

Be kind to yourself.

[FloridaFairy]

Oh my sweetheart I feel for you.
You’re not letting your mum down at all.
You were with her when it mattered.
The funeral is for people left behind.
It helps some but not others.
You need to do the right thing BUT the RIGHT thing for YOU... that’s the most important thing here.
My dad passed suddenly last May.
Due to COVID the way funerals and arrangements were done changed.
Most things were done by telephone.
When dealing with the funeral director, I asked for the ‘most cost effective ‘ funeral... basically the cheapest... I might have been thought of as a cheapskate but heyho!
Your thought regarding here costs are spot on I feel. Dw about others as they will soon move on after this event.
I had to write the eulogy in the end - I won’t lie, that was hard. We were ‘allocated’ a minister who didn’t know dad so just asked my to write some stuff down - write as you talk were her suggestions. As it was it didn’t need tweaking and she read it out ( or I could’ve if I’d felt I was able) ... mum didn’t know but was completely overwhelmed by it.
We were only allowed 5 originally which increased to 10 that week so his sister and nieces came... BUT they were under no illusion as to how the funeral would go.
I told them this is how we are doing it as this is what we can cope with.
We also only had 1 arrangement on the coffin and no family cars either. Everything was done ‘in house’ at the funeral home and they were marvellous... none of this oh you can’t sit with mum - different houses - COVID etc.
Take your time and dw about everyone else
Big hugs to you and your family xxxx

[Loobylou_82]

So sorry for your loss Amy. What you are feeling is only natural , nobody wants to go to the funeral of a loved one. As you said , you have already said your goodbyes, the funeral is just a formality . It's hard to do but I think you should go and just think of it as not about saying goodbye as you have done that, but as your mum's last journey. As a loving daughter this is the last thing you will do for her. It's not about an amazing send off, this isn't a show , you are not letting her down at all, stop being so hard on yourself, you are grieving.

[janeywaney]

When my mum passed away, we were lucky in the respect that she had left very strict instructions as to how her funeral was to be. She wanted to be cremated so insisted that we had the cheapest coffin, as in her words what’s the point in spending a fortune on something that will be gone really fast. Mum also instead to have the hearse only as again her words over 40 cars in the family why pay for more?! She didn’t want flowers but I did put my foot down with that one and she had a small arrangement on the coffin. We asked for donations to the hospice instead of flowers. £1,000 was raised which was fabulous.
We didn’t have a eulogy, the priest sat and spoke about mum with us and she did it all in the service.

Don’t beat yourself up about how you are feeling, everyone deals with the loss of someone differently. Just take each day as it comes and make sure you allow yourself to grieve.

My mum battled lung cancer for 17 months and died by inches. 😥 Even though we knew it was terminal when she passed away it still shocked us as we were not ready to say goodbye, but she was.

I had a lot of support from Dibbers when she passed away, some of them had family with the same type of cancer my mum had.

Take care of yourself the oncoming months with the firsts will be very difficult for you all, but you will get through them.

Jane xxx