Eurovision Semi-Final 1 - my review

[Gill H]

My usual review is somewhat late this year. Due to a visit from my parents, I’m afraid I was unable to give Semi-Final 1 the attention it deserves (add your own jokes here…) until later in the week. So please cast your minds back to Tuesday, if you can bear to.

Scott Mills and Rylan welcome us to Tel Aviv, and waste no time kicking off the proceedings. We start with a cute little film in which last year’s winner, Netta, is pictured as a child watching Israel’s previous winner – the unforgettable Dana International. This apparently inspires Netta to grow up and win Eurovision for herself. And then we cut to a huge illuminated statue of a Chinese waving ‘lucky cat’, before Netta herself appears in a futuristic black and white outfit seemingly made of crepe paper and gaffer tape. She’s ditched the signature hair buns and gone for a Cleopatra ponytail. It’s reminiscent of the scene in Hairspray where Tracey steps out of the rocket to win the dance-off – but with added chicken impressions and a chorus of oriental-inspired cheerleaders. And the crowd, of course, go wild.

Our four hosts take the stage. This time they are: a solemn conservatively dressed guy in a suit, tie and glasses; a sixties-inspired blonde woman in a dress made of silver coins; a dark-haired woman in an unfeasibly long white dress and a silver choker; and finally an enthusiastic guy in a natty suit with a rather distracting moustache.

After a quick introduction to the proceedings, the hosts explain that, as usual, each entry will be introduced by a short video showing that country’s performers enjoying the sights of Israel. However, this year they will not just be wandering around; instead they will take part in a dance routine. Because apparently that sort of thing happens around every corner here. In truth, these little video postcards will prove more entertaining than some of the songs. I wonder if the organisers are going to stitch them all together afterwards and create an Israeli answer to La La Land.

The videos also feature what appears to be this year’s signature shape, the triangle. And since we’re guaranteed lots of cheese on stage, I wonder if Dairylea have been approached to sponsor the contest?

[Gill H]

I should explain that, as usual, I will only post my reviews of the countries that didn’t get through to the final. I’m saving the others for Saturday night! And so we kick things off with…

Cyprus - qualified

Montenegro
A boy/girl sextet in white suits. They appear to have purchased one red scarf with gold tassels between them, and divided it up to accessorise three of their outfits. The song is a standard mid-tempo number with a few ethnic twiddles to wake you up for the key change. Weak vocals and a few badly-executed folky dance moves make it a rather half-hearted attempt.

Finland
More thigh-high boots, on a bloke this time. The song is called ‘Look Away’ continuing the grand Eurovision tradition of unfortunate titles. However, the addition of a woman in green performing a dance routine on an ice floe helps to focus the attention. Then she disappears and is seen on the screen behind, seemingly underwater. The amphibious young lady then reappears on the ice floe. What can it all mean?

Poland
OK, this is the kind of freaky stuff we’ve come to expect from Eurovision. Four young women in red-veiled outfits with stripey skirts and gold headdresses, shouting their way through a song. The audience clap along, and I’m sure their mothers are very proud.

Slovenia - qualified
Czech Republic - qualified

During an ad break Scott introduces us to the French entry, a Beyonce-tastic young man called Bilal who apparently has 18 wigs, all with their own names. His song has a laudable message about being yourself, and he tells us that he ‘hasn’t come here just to win’. Well, that’s nice. I think this entry will definitely be worth a watch, though, for many reasons.

[Gill H]

Hungary
The first man-bun of the night. A big barefoot guy sings a heartfelt ballad about his father, who appears on the screen behind him. It’s all a bit Lion King, except that we assured his father is still alive. So that’s all right then. The song also features that old Eurovision standby, a ‘na na na’ chorus – and it won’t be the only time that appears tonight.

Belarus - qualified
Serbia - qualified

Belgium
The song is called ‘Wake Up’ and yet again, my response is ‘No thanks’. The lad is only 19 and looks like he needs an espresso himself, frankly. He is entirely charisma-free, and even the hard-working drummers either side of him can’t enliven the proceedings.

Georgia
Another big guy with a man-bun. Now we know why Belgium’s entry lacked drama. This guy has evidently stolen their intensity and added to his own. His steely glare is so unnerving I want to turn round and see what he’s looking at, but I can’t tear my eyes away. Unfortunately his rock-tinged voice wanders away from the tune at times. By the time the scary choir guys behind him join in, there are at least three keys happening in this song. It’s all very dramatic, though.

Australia - qualified
Iceland - qualified
Estonia - qualified

Portugal
Remember when Portugal won Eurovision a couple of years back? With the guy who looked like a frightened hamster, and the understated late-night jazz ballad? He made an impassioned speech about this being a victory for proper songs instead of silly staging. Well, it looks like Portugal have decided to turn their backs on all that, because this number is a textbook example of bewildering staging which completely overshadows any attempt at a song. It’s apparently about mobile phones or something, but who cares when there’s a samurai guy in a sparkly plastic beard, and a breakdancing bloke in a green sarong dancing on pointe? Seriously, folks, go and find this on YouTube, it’s worth it. But don’t have nightmares.

Greece - qualified
San Marino - qualified

[Gill H]

And now time for our hosts to kick off the vote (which we can’t join in tonight) and recap all the entries. My goodness, some of those seem a long time ago. And then – of course – we wheel out Dana International to perform. Let’s just say there must be a Botox shortage in Tel Aviv tonight, because she’s evidently nicked it all. After a cheeky wink at herself in the mirror, she comes out in a flowing red gown and a Carol Vorderman wig, to sing a rather muted version of Bruno Mars’ ‘Just The Way You Are’. The real reason for the number, though, is the heart-shaped kiss cam, which ranges over the audience encouraging them to lock lips with each other. I have no idea if some of them are even actual couples. It would make for a heck of a ‘how we met’ story in years to come. In contrast there’s a hilarious moment when the camera catches a solitary miserable guy who’s evidently bored to tears.

Then Scott interviews the UK’s hopeful, ‘All Together Now’ winner Michael Rice, along with Scott’s podcast co-host Jayde Adams (nope, me neither). Rylan then features in his own version of ‘Carpool Karaoke’ where he acts as a limo driver encouraging the acts to try out their songs. Worth tuning in, if only for Sweden’s sweet harmonies.

Rylan (again) interviews a few more acts to fill time. I don’t know what’s happening on the stage right now, but surely it’s more interesting than this? We cut to a film of Scott trying to find Madonna – who is apparently performing on Saturday, though goodness knows why. It’s a rather lame excuse for Scott to wander round Tel Aviv, and needless to say the person he eventually finds is not actually the material girl herself.

Yawn, more interviews and a quick preview of France, Israel and Spain’s entries. And then the obligatory ‘wake up Jon Ola Sand’ moment so he can testify that all the votes have been verified (he’s been doing this for years, why does he always seem so surprised?)

And the qualifiers are:
Greece, Belarus, Serbia, Cyprus, Estonia, Czech Republic, Australia, Iceland, San Marino and Slovenia.

Evidently even BBC4 has had enough by now as the programme is suddenly cut off, to be replaced by a ‘sorry for the fault’ message until the programme ends. So we will never hear the stunning intellectual repartee of the hosts, nor the deep and insightful closing remarks of Scott and Rylan. Ah well. Time to refill the wine glasses before we move on to Semi-Final 2. Shalom, folks.

[LunaNyteskye]

Summed it up nicely!

[clochette]

My D'S (23)has been watching the Eurovision with his friends since they were about 16. I don't know what it is but they love it. They are somewhat scattered now but they skyped (or some other technical thing that I know nothing about) so they could all watch the semi finals together and he has flown to Amsterdam today where one of his friends now works so they can watch together. (I can't help thinking that Amsterdam is the perfect place to watch the Eurovision song contest.)

When he gets back, Gill, I will show him your review to see whether he agrees with your judgements.

[Gill H]

Originally Posted by clochette

. (I can't help thinking that Amsterdam is the perfect place to watch the Eurovision song contest.)

See more...

Is that because of some of the, er, specialities you can get there?

Snacks. They're really good at snacks.

[clochette]

Originally Posted by Gill H

Is that because of some of the, er, specialities you can get there?

Snacks. They're really good at snacks.

See more...

Yes, that's exactly what I meant

[JudyC]

Great review Gill, roll on tomoŕrow night 😁