I don’t want to always take my mum

[Leec]

Just wondered if anyone else is in a similar situation to us...?
So we are a family of four, sons are now 12 & 10. We’ve been to Florida 13 times and last year was the first time without my mum (61) joining us. We purposely booked last minute to go and did offer her to join us but she couldn’t afford to come along. (I was secretly relieved)
Over the past few years it’s been more and more trying when my mum is with us. She takes control of where we eat, when, what we do, for how long... she doesn’t realise she’s doing it but in a jokey way I try to tell her as I don’t want to hurt her feelings.
On the last holiday my hubby secretly blew his stack and went to sit in the walk in closet for some time out 🙈 he really doesn’t want her joining us again.
It all starts at the airport...I’m a wheelchair user and find travelling very stressful and painful. I take a lot of medication and suffer with sickness while travelling. So perhaps my patience are a bit low, my mum insists on having the aisle seat which means we don’t sit how we prefer, the arm rest comes up because she’s bigger and she comes onto my hips that are painful anyway. She insists on my hubby having her passport (which he hates) then she asks him for it every 2 mins, even ifs to check he’s got it.
We have a villa.
I ask her not to let the kids in her room early, which she ignores (sometimes 5am) come dinner she will go to bed because she’s tired and leaves us to amuse kids that should have slept in longer. She likes an afternoon nap that we have to cater into the daily plans. If we want to go out she literally needs an hour notice to get ready, last year it was so nice to spontaneously say shall we pop out for ice cream or a look round the shops. We’ve always found it to drawn out or I get told off for not planning it beforehand.
She doesn’t like late nights and as the kids get older they’re quite excited about staying up later (fine with me as long as they sleep in)
She insists on having the master suite, while the next room down isn’t small it’s not as spacious as the bigger one and me and hubby end up in different bathrooms to all get ready. No biggy I know, but a bit frustrating when there’s only her.
She will only go to certain restaurants, we went for pizza at a restaurant we fancied and she refused to order anything, not even a drink. She made it as awkward as poss and hardly spoke all night.
She purposely won’t learn the safe code, alarm, locks etc so we have the responsibility of doing it. She will shout us to get her some money from the safe or to open the front door when she’s forgot something.
We went on a cruise when we last went with her and she forgot her passport, we drove all the way back to the villa and literally just made the ship. I was so upset and frantic it ruined the first day completely. She tries to make a joke of it now and i still don’t find it funny, I did so much planning to organise early boarding etc. 😞
She asks me what time is acceptable to get up (is jokes we don’t want to get up early on holiday) I told her she makes a lot of noise in the morning and it isn’t fair, she insist on being up before 7am and sets the whistling kettle off 😤
The last few times she’s been on a budget (she goes away fairly regular, we save for this annual holiday) and will say she can’t afford to go out for a meal so we foot the bill or don’t go also.

I know I sound mean, and I’m really trying not to be but the last time we went with her I wasn’t looking forward to it, I know my hubbys stressed with her, I know what’s going to happen next, I ask him to deep breath and try his best to be patient but I just feel we have enough on and we don’t need the extra stress.
We absolutely loved it last year and I’m not opposed to her never coming again, me and hubby spoke and agreed we could cope with her for a week but not the full 3wks again. It just isn’t fair, the kids want to do the big rides now, she doesn’t like waiting, won’t go to certain parks.
It isn’t like she doesn’t go away she’s got a nice Caribbean cruise with her friend this year. She’s travelled a lot. Goes to other places but whenever I mention Florida she assumes she’s coming. She doesn’t ask she literally assumes. I just feel like I’ve got another child to consider and to be quite frank I don’t want to 😞🙈
Please be gentle with your replies...😬🙈

[tocpe321]

I think with love and care you need to explain that it will just be the four of you going. The holiday is meant to be R and R, and it doesn't sound like that's happening.

Take care.

Edit

Also is this a change of behaviour? If it is, then maybe there could be a medical / dementia issue affecting her behaviour.

[Libby]

I love my mum and have breaks with her but it has never, ever crossed my mind to invite her on one of our family holidays.

[riversider2014]

While not being remotely as bad as that I’m having the same situation with MiL.
We invited her last time we went, assuming she would say no as it’s not her thing really, and being a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Now she assumes she’s coming next time we go and is already saying what’s she’s looking forward too and I don’t really want her to come but can’t be doing with the arguments if we say you’re not coming.

We are going on December for 5 nights for DW 40th and she isn’t coming and we’re waiting for the inevitable kicking off which is already brewing.

Not sure what advice I can give other than to say I bet you’re not the only one..

[Leec]

Originally Posted by tocpe321

I think with love and care you need to explain that it will just be the four of you going. The holiday is meant to be R and R, and it doesn't like that's happening.

Take care.

Edit

Also is this a change of behaviour. If it is, then maybe there could be a medical / dementia issue affecting her behaviour.

See more...

I have actually thought this before too 😞

[nolypops83]

Just book it and don’t tell her or the kids, then pretend you got another last minute deal.

[Leec]

Originally Posted by Libby

I love my mum and have breaks with her but it has never, ever crossed my mind to invite her on one of our family holidays.

See more...

I know but she’s on her own and I am close to her. 😞

[Sally42]

Can you arrange to go once she's paid for her cruise?

[Guest]

Originally Posted by Leec

I know I sound mean

See more...

You really don't. You sound like a saint, your husband even more so.

I think either of the first two previous poster's suggestions are things to consider.

[Bellasmummy]

You just need to tell her that your holidays are changing as the kids are getting older and different things work for you now so you’ll be going without her.