So I told my girlfriend

[cartoonp]

At a wedding ceremony, the vicar asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the marriage, it was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter silence was broken by a young woman carrying a baby. She started slowly walking toward the vicar. Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom’s mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation. The vicar asked the woman, “Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?” The woman replied, “We can’t hear you at the back.”

[cartoonp]

Things to ponder
1. Can you cry underwater?
2. When I was young we used to go “skinny dipping”. Now I just “chunky dunk”
3. How important does a person have to be before they are considered ‘assassinated’ instead of just ‘murdered’?
4. If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?
5. Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
6. Why do you have to ‘put your two cents in’…but it’s only a ‘penny for your thoughts’? Where’s that extra penny going to? Taxes?
7. Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
8. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
9. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
10. Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
11. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
12. If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
13. Why are you IN movies, but ON TV?
14. Why do people pay to go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
15. How come we choose from just two people for President, but fifty for Miss America?
16. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.
17. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
18. Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life, we could simply press Ctrl Alt Delete and start all over?
19. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
20. My husband says I never listen to him. At least that’s what I think he said.
21. Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
22. Why is it that our children can’t read the Bible in school, but they can in prison?
23. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
24. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

[cartoonp]

I'm not saying who…but one of my friends just called and asked if I would loan her $300.00 to help her pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back, her brother called and told me that my friend was lying and not to give her the money. He goes on to say that the real reason my friend wanted the $300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday. I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the $300.00 because we all need help at times. So, I called my friend and told her to come and get the money. A couple of hours later, I get a call from the jail. It was my friend crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response...so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!
If you laughed, your other friends may want to laugh too.

[cartoonp]

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior state school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated Little Johnny said, "Thanks mister"and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, and Little Johnny said "Thats okay, we'll still do it for 50 cents" and continued their afternoon ruckus.
A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" Little Johnny ranted. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And that was the only time anybody got the better of Little Johnny and the old man enjoyed a peaceful life ever after...

[colin39]

*Something here to offend everyone - in every sense...* 😬🙄

Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.

A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)

Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateaux...

[cartoonp]

Nigel had heard stories about his father, grandfather, and great-grandfather being able to walk on water on their 18th birthday and decided to wait for his 18th birthday.

On his 18th birthday, he and his friend Mick took a boat to the middle of the lake. At the lake, Nigel stepped out to try and walk on water; he nearly drowned and was barely pulled out to safety.

The teenager was furious and confused and went to meet his grandmother. He asked, "Grandma, it's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

His grandma looked at him and replied, "Because ye father, ye grandfather, and ye great-grandfather were all born in December when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya &@$¥$ fool

[cartoonp]

No offence to anyone

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar Birkenhead.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.


After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets Go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

[Mr Tom Morrow]

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar… FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST!

So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
Bartender replies “Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can’t make a face while doing it. Second, there’s a ‘gator out back with a sore tooth…you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there’s a woman up-stairs who’s never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.”

The guy says, “Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won’t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, “Wherez zat teeqeelah?”
He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face.
Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

“Now” he says “Where’s that woman with the sore tooth?”

[cartoonp]

A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today." The bartender said, "Well since it's your birthday, this one's on me." As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink, too." The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water." "Coming up," said the bartender. As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water." "Coming right up," the bartender said. As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?" The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."

[cartoonp]

Prison vs. Work

IN PRISON: You spend the majority of your time in a 10x10 cell.
AT WORK: You spend the majority of your time in an 8x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON: You get three meals a day.
AT WORK: You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON: You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK: You get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON: The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK: You must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON: You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK: You could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON: You get your own toilet.
AT WORK: You have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON: They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK: You aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON: All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK: You get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON: You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON: You must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK: They are called managers.