Family advice

[ChrisS]

Originally Posted by NewtoOrlando

I didn’t have a relationship with my dads parents. My dad tried all his life to be a good son, but it was never good enough and we (my 2 sisters and I) were never seen as grandchildren, we were just their sons kids. My aunties kids were the golden ones. My dad would bring us gifts from them when we were kids, and we would keep them, when one of us asked who it was from we would be told ‘Minnie & Bob’ never Nan & grandad. We accepted the toys because we were kids and had great joy out of them growing up. I still remember standing in my garden at 7 years old crying my eyes out asking why I didn’t get a birthday card from them. We would get money & gifts, not anything personal from them. As I got older, I would ask my dad what went on, why were they so distant, and he explained it all to me and I finally understood everything. From about 14 years old, anything my dad gave me from them was put back in my dads arms and I would tell him to take it back to them & tell them that I didn’t want gifts from people who would cross the road from me if they saw me in the stress (happened all the time). It put my dad in a hard situation, especially as he had worked so had to get that relationship back on track, but he understood my feelings completely.

What I’m trying to say is that no, it’s not clear cut and not so easy to forgive & forget, especially as parents, but as time goes on, and your daughters get older, they may well resent you & your dh for not giving them those gifts, they will ask questions and you will have to give them the truth regarding the relationship. I made my own mind up when I was old enough which my dad respected, unlike my sisters, who were both older, I chose not to have a relationship with them. I didn’t go to their funerals, I didn’t cry when they died, but that was my choice and at 40 years old, I don’t regret a thing. Let your girls make that decision when they are old enough to understand, please don’t make it for them.x

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Hi NtO D5 said in her opening post the eldest bairn has told her parents she doesn't want the items that are left on the doorstep.

[di5ney]

Originally Posted by ChrisS

Hi NtO D5 said in her opening post the eldest bairn has told her parents she doesn't want the items that are left on the doorstep.

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Dd7 is very switched on. She is a very family orientated wee girl and will often ask why they dont want to see their own son amd grandkids. For her sake we wouldn’t tell her at this age that they see their other 2 grand daughters as we dont want her thinking she is not good enough etc. She obviously sees the relationship we have with my parents and she has has an amazing relationship with them too. We have always made her aware that spending time with someone is more important than receiving gifts and that is why she doesnt want them. My kids have more than they could ever wish for and certainly don’t need stuff from them. The joys of families!

[HelenLime]

If you don’t want a relationship with them full stop then i think you need to consider stopping returning the gifts to their door step. On the face of it (i say this not knowing the full history) it seems a little childish - sorry.
If you have to do it then i’d make this the last time and would include a polite note stating that you dont wish to receive any further gifts from them and any future gifts will be given to charity.

[amy56]

This is such a hard situation, I’m so sorry you are going through this OP.

I agree with other posters, that you don’t want to be continually putting things on the doorstep, as that means you are playing games as well sadly.

I agree that a polite note saying future gifts will be donated to charity, so that will break the doorstep cycle at least from your end.

Otherwise, (sorry if I’ve missed this), does your DH have a relationship with his sister? Perhaps he could tell her how he feels and that your DD doesn’t want the gifts either? (Just thinking that may get through to his parents more if they realise the grandchildren are also aware of what is going on and don’t want any part in it).

It’s all just so sad that a common, happy ground can’t be met - but equally you need to protect the emotional well-being of your little family unit. Take care xx

[di5ney]

Originally Posted by amy56

This is such a hard situation, I’m so sorry you are going through this OP.

I agree with other posters, that you don’t want to be continually putting things on the doorstep, as that means you are playing games as well sadly.

I agree that a polite note saying future gifts will be donated to charity, so that will break the doorstep cycle at least from your end.

Otherwise, (sorry if I’ve missed this), does your DH have a relationship with his sister? Perhaps he could tell her how he feels and that your DD doesn’t want the gifts either? (Just thinking that may get through to his parents more if they realise the grandchildren are also aware of what is going on and don’t want any part in it).

It’s all just so sad that a common, happy ground can’t be met - but equally you need to protect the emotional well-being of your little family unit. Take care xx

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Thanks, he doesnt speak to either of his sisters unfortunately. They are very snobby and have always looked down on him. Both have only met out oldest dd 6 yrs ago. They didnt speak at his grans funeral etc. the oldest sister rarely speaks to his parents either and she lives abroad. I think the way to go is to put a note on this parcel. We dont want to play games but at the same time we need them to realise we are not accepting things from them.

[HelenLime]

Originally Posted by di5ney

We dont want to play games but at the same time we need them to realise we are not accepting things from them.

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That sounds sensible. You can’t control what they do but you can control how you react to it.

[EssexSue]

I have no idea of the relationship so am making no comment (although perhaps my family are excessively materialistic as I have never known a child refuse a present). What I did want to say was some charities, I think it may be the Salvation Army do a collection for children in hostels where you wrap a present and put a note saying child's gender and age and they are donated appropriately. I'm sorry I don't know more details but our was organized by a local hairdresser so I just gave it in. I would donate to something like this then write and tell them that's what I'd done and suggest they cut out the middleman next time.

[duchy]

Are the nieces older ?
My son’s grandmother had little to do with my son (her only grandchild at the time) as a small child , she’s lovely but she’s definitely not the Granny or even Mum type . Always generous with presents though.
As an adult my son reconnected with her and they have a lovely relationship as do I , we all had lunch yesterday ( (but there’s no relationship with the young kids from my husband’s second marriage ), she just doesn’t do young children. Some people just don’t do kids, even if they have had their own.

[di5ney]

Originally Posted by duchy

Are the nieces older ?
My son’s grandmother had little to do with my son (her only grandchild at the time) as a small child , she’s lovely but she’s definitely not the Granny or even Mum type . Always generous with presents though.
As an adult my son reconnected with her and they have a lovely relationship as do I , we all had lunch yesterday ( (but there’s no relationship with the young kids from my husband’s second marriage ), she just doesn’t do young children. Some people just don’t do kids, even if they have had their own.

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The nieces are 6 & 3.5

[Chops]

What a horrible situation. I totally empathise as I’m in a similar situation. To me, returning the gifts keeps the communications lines open even if it is in a weird confrontational way. Personally and that’s just me, but I would give them to the kids and not let them know who bought them, and not acknowledge them in any way 🤷🏼