So I told my girlfriend

[Mr Tom Morrow]

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN.
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN.
Arrive naked... with beer.

[cartoonp]

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

[cartoonp]

We bought a new trampoline at the weekend, it was raining hard so I put it up indoors... the missus wasn't happy, she hit the roof!

[cartoonp]

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

[cartoonp]

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

[Cosworth]

A young man gets a job at the local Publix.
His job is to bag the customers' groceries at checkout. It's mindless work, but he does not complain and performs his job well.
After working in the store for a couple of months, the store's produce section gets a juicing machine. Customers bring their selections of fruits and vegetables to the machine and an attendant juices the produce for them, making the freshest of juices.
The young man, wanting to move beyond bagging groceries, asks the manager if he can have the job of juice machine attendant.
The manager denies his request.
The young man is upset, but figures that he will continue to prove his worth bagging groceries and eventually he will get the juicing job.
Another few months pass and the young man approaches his manager again.
"Ma'am, I would like to request the job of juice machine attendant."
Sadly, the manager denies his request once again.
"I don't understand," the young man says. "I'm professional, I'm reliable, and I'm great with the customers. I work hard and I deserve that position. I'm tired of bagging groceries."
The manager sighs and says, "you're a wonderful worker, that's true, but I simply cannot give you the job. You know what they say... baggers can't be juicers." .

[Cosworth]

A friend bought me the worst birthday present ever.

A BonnieTyler Sat-Nav.

Keeps telling me to turn around and every now and then it falls apart.

[cartoonp]

One man explaining to another why he fired his secretary:

"Two weeks ago," I said, ``was my forty-fifth birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into the kitchen for breakfast knowing that my wife would be pleasant and say 'Happy Birthday' and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say 'Good Morning' let alone say 'Happy Birthday'.

``I said to myself 'Well that's wives for you. The children will remember.' But the children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. And when I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

``As I walked into my office, Janet said 'Good Morning, Boss--Happy Birthday' and I felt a little bit better that someone had remembered.

``I worked until noon. About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, 'You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, so let's go to lunch, just you and I.' I said, 'By George, that is the greatest thing I have heard all day. Let's go.'

``We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go, we went out into the country to a private place. We had two Martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

``On the way back to the office, she said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day we don't need to go back to the office, do we?' I said, 'No, I guess not.'

``She said, 'Let's go by my apartment, and I'll fix you another Martini.'

``We went to her apartment. We enjoyed another Martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable' and I allowed her as I didn't mind at all.

``She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes she came out of the bedroom carrying a big birthday cake followed by my wife and children. All were singing 'Happy Birthday' and there I sat with nothing on but my socks.''

[cartoonp]

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge say,s "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

[cartoonp]

My mother hates sports so after being forced to go to a football game with her grandchildren this was her conclusion. Football consists of 22 men on the field desperately in need of a rest, and 40,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.