So I told my girlfriend

[Mr Tom Morrow]

A young and pretty Nun was walking home from the soup kitchen when a homeless man dragged her into the woods and had his way with her.

When he was done, he asked her what she would tell the Mother Superior when she got back to the convent.

She calmly said that she would tell her the truth. She said: "I will tell her that I was on my way home when the most disgusting, repulsive and abhorrent man dragged me into the woods and had his way with me… twice.

That is if you are not too tired.

[cartoonp]

🌞 Fine Day 🌞

There is this middle-aged couple, and the husband is acting just a bit peculiar.

Husband to wife: Today is a fine day.

Next day he says: Today is a fine day.

Again the next day, he says the same thing - Today is a fine day.

Finally after a week of this, the wife can't stand it and asks her husband:

Since last week, you have been saying "Today is a fine day."

"I am fed up. Its raining outside, how in God's name can it be a fine day. What's the matter with you?"

Husband: Last week when we had an argument, you said,"I will leave you one fine day." I was just trying to remind you.

[cartoonp]

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell
them.

At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, They're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed.

He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

[cartoonp]

Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in Hong Kong and the place is packed to the rafters.

As usual at the start of his set In he asks if anyone has a special song request.

One chap immediately jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice,

"Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts -

"No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord...".

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.

The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.

But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts

"No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord! ".

Stevie is really peed off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage -

"OK smart ass, you get up here and do it"..

The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mic and starts to sing...

"a jazz chord to say , I ruv you... "

[cartoonp]

🥠 Confucius 🥠

Things Confucius did not say but wishes he did:

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

And, Confucius Did Not Say. . .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but Tiger Wood!”

[cartoonp]

🐸 A Frog 🐸

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink, and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)

(it's a real treat)

(a masterpiece)

(wait for it)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are... )

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!

Have a lovely day!

[Mr Tom Morrow]

If you have have a small green ball in one hand and another small green ball in the other, what do you have?

Kermit the Frog's full attention.

[cartoonp]

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So
what's the bad news?
"You're in the team for this Saturday's match!

[cartoonp]

THE OLD MAN REPORTS (not me btw)
One time I got sick and landed in hospital. There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, “And how are we doing this morning?” or “Are we ready for a bath?” or “Are we hungry?”
I had had enough of this particular nurse. One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside cabinet. Later I was given a wee sample bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went!
The nurse came in a while later, picked up the wee sample bottle, looked at it and said, “My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today.”
At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying, “Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!”
The nurse fainted... I just smiled.
DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!

[Stitch & Smudge]

Originally Posted by Mr Tom Morrow

If you have have a small green ball in one hand and another small green ball in the other, what do you have?

Kermit the Frog's full attention.

See more...

A large green ball in each hand?
Total control over the jolly green giant.