WWYD? - Been informed estranged father is ill.

[Lindaelaine]

From your first post you said you were close to your dad until 2012 and became estranged after your mum died , its really hard to give an opinion when not knowing the circumstances but it appears everything was fine up until that point , I just wanted to say that if you and your dad were really close and your dad made your mum happy throughout their marriage there must have been some fond memories of your dad , if he changed after her death is it possible that he wasn’t coping and wasn’t in the right frame of mind when he did these horrible things ? We are all different and People deal with grief in different ways .Just trying to play devils advocate here but you said you told him you didn’t want him to contact you, you also said you don’t get on with his new partner yet she has reached out to you on behalf of your dad , he must have spoken to her about wanting contact with you otherwise why would she reach out to someone she doesn’t get on with ? Maybe he is ready to apologise and deeply regrets what happened .
Just a thought, would it be too hard for you to make contact but firmly tell him that you cannot get over what happened and don’t want a relationship with him but wanted closure , that way you get to say goodbye but on your own terms .
It’s a tough decision to make but it may be better regretting something you did do rather than regretting something you didn’t do .

[KarenG]

This is so tough Debs and my heart goes out to you.

I can only speak from my own experience (can’t we all?!) but having spent many years more or less estranged from my dad, we connected again about three years ago and have built a fantastic and full of memories few years. Those last few years for me have effectively erased years of ‘hurt’.

While of course I cannot say it would be the same for you I thought I’d share. Best of wishes. We are all brought up to assume our parents are our ‘gods’ but it just isn’t always the case.

[DisneyBeliever]

He’s your Dad. Give him a call and see where it goes from there. If you don’t you may regret it in years to come.

[Ciano]

As everyone else has said every situation is different and only you can decide what to do. My dh and his sisters were estranged from his dad for a yr. Got a call one day to say he had had a heart attack mad rush to hospital. He never regained consciousness and died a few days later. Dh asked for a few mins alone with him in the house before they put the lid on the coffin and said he made his peace. I know he regrets not getting to say goodbye and this hurts him so much as they were just at their wits end with him. Nothing they had said had worked so they felt they had no choice but to exclude him.
Life will go on for you either way. Follow your heart and whatever the decision make it and move on knowing you did the right thing for you x

[THE WIZARD]

You made your decisions in 2012. Stick with them, why open up old wounds when you have no intention of continuing a relationship with the man now. Let sleeping dogs lie as they say. It's his wife who has reached out not him after all, you have no idea if that's in his name or not.

[katy341]

Jumping on this thread just to say while I appreciate the idea of regrets if you never took the opportunity to make contact etc... may in theory be the right thing to do it isn't always that simple. My mother, father, sister and 99% of my friends (as they are all in a social group with my parents) disowned me fir leaving an unhappy marriage... my mother about 18m after found out she had cancer. Everyone told me to do the right think. It took a lot out of me to build the courage to call...only to find my calls rejected twice. Then it put me back 21steps!

I've now made the decision to leave it the way it is. I've moved on I'm happy. Sometimes u need to be selfish.

Obviously that depends on individual circumstances so only the op can make the decision based on what is best for her.

Whatever u decide make sure ur doing it for u not for him. If it leaves you feeling awful or dredges up old things then think carefully x

[katy341]

Originally Posted by Cuxi

Just reading through it occurs to me that so many of us come from dysfunctional families and marvel at how well we did to come through.

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Cuxi...hit the nail on the head ... we are all dysfunctional dibbers in one way or another lol but us dibbers are fabulous regardless of our backgrounds arent we! X

[Rebelrebel]

Originally Posted by LadyDebs86

However, I don't hate the man, I don't wish him dead and I don't like the thought of him suffering, and I feel like I should probably say something. But I have no idea what. I can't say I love him or am worried about him as that would be a lie and would give him false expectations if he does pull through it.

I'd really appreciate advice although anything along the lines of the above ('just make up, have a heart, forgive and forget' etc) don't really help as it's just not going to happen.

Thanks.

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Could you contact his wife and tell her nothing has changed however you do hope all goes well for him?

[Mexy02]

Originally Posted by SquishTheWhale

I was thinking of how to reply when I read this and it really hit home for me.

I'm estranged from my birth father and have already decided I would not run to his side if he was terminally ill and I will not attend his funeral. As said so well above, I already grieved for him when he broke all contact with me when I was only a teenager. Which broke my heart at the time. He didn't so much as congratulate me when I got married and he's never asked to meet his grandchildren. I have a wonderful step dad who I call my father and absolutley no intention of ever reuniting with my birth father.

Obviously its totally your decision and you should go with your heart. But if you choose not to contact him you are not cold or uncaring and it's not wrong. I just wanted to throw in my perspective as someone who may understand.

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I feel for you as I do dh . It’s very hard when your dad point blank refuses to attend your wedding day because your mum ( who stuck by you ) is going to be there ! Has no interest in your children and doesn’t can’t even spell their names correctly. I made dh take the kids regularly with me to see him when they were first born but after 2/3 years he sat me down and said I was tying to fix something that clearly wasn’t fixable with a very very selfish man ( might I add he took on another woman’s whole family and she now has grandchildren they call their own) dh is an only child . He never came to see us , rang, sent a text message. It goes deeper but you get the picture . So I clearly see why dh grieved him. He can’t miss what isn’t there and he has no regrets in living life and won’t fulfil someone else’s selfish act at the end of life to make them feel better about how they treated a boy through life. It took me a long time to get my head around how he feels but sitting a listening to him talk about his childhood etc I really do get it now. My dh couldn’t be a morning caring father and husband if he tried but he wouldn’t be uncaring it cold in this situation with a person he doesn’t even know .

[mushumadness]

Call him wish him well
And leave it there
If there’s no relationship don’t make one just because he’s ill it’s not fair to you