Relationship break up and support for ex partner

[Blue nose]

A friend is really unhappy and only staying with their partner due to the kids. This isn't healthy for anyone. The partner is slowly turning kids against my friend and the kids are starting to mirror the partners behaviour by shouting and arguing back constantly. Things came to ahead over weekend and now they are considering leaving the martial home.

The partner won't leave. My friend could potentially leave and live with their parents until a better solution can be found. The kids would stay in the martial home but my friend wants shared care and as much time as the partner will allow.

Priority in all this is the kids and their stability and happiness.

As the only one working my friend assumes they'll have to pay the household bills. Does anyone know will they have to pay mortgage and household bills in full or just a contribution? In full doesn't leave them any money to live apart so feels like they are forced to stay. This isn't about not paying what is right but more to understand what would be expected.

My friend is trying to get a CAB appointment as can't pay for a solicitor without the partner knowing.

Any ideas of what would be expected?

[Welsh_Dragon]

Unless domestic violence is present, your friend should stay in the family home but start taking immediate steps to separate the finances, close joint accounts, joint credit cards, loans etc. It is also worth approaching the mortgage company to switch to an interest only mortgage or even taking a mortgage holiday if this is possible. I would also suggest making a point of regularly withdrawing a lump sum and holding it in cash every month, as a fall back emergency reserve if your friend does have to suddenly leave one day. If your friend’s partner is totally financially dependent on your friend, then your friend should consider paying a small reasonable allowance regularly (but not be overly generous). So perhaps tally up an allowance for petrol, small top up food shops, clothes, that sort of thing. Your friend should take on the responsibility for the children’s expenses, food and bills but take the time to reduce the household expenditure as much as possible. It’s a difficult position to be in but being careful and taking the time to prepare the path out of the relationship will be worth it long term.

[TinselAngel]

Hi - I just PMd you some info that may help your friend.

[Welsh_Dragon]

I would add that it takes two to argue, so tell your friend to try not to engage. Also, it is worth making a point of spending time out of the house doing things with the children, Reinforcing those relationships and getting them used to spending time with each parent individually.

[archibald]

As 'the only one working' I'm assuming that your friend also does all of the childcare and all of the household chores and that the partner contributes nothing at all? Or does your friend not value the work done by the primary carer of the children?

Your friend can't really have shared care if the children are to stay in the marital home - they need to move out if they are not the primary carer and find somewhere that the children can spend half of their time. If they're worried about how much the children will cost them, online calculators are available for a rough idea of child maintenance.

'Only staying for the kids' doesn't make anyone happy - it's a toxic environment that the children are already aware of. They'll have to have a big think about whether what they want is the same as what is best for the children.

[Sunset girl]

Phone can they will talk over the phone
Also phone local solicitors and see if any of them offer the first half hour free

[THE WIZARD]

Sadly I think your friend really needs to see a solicitor. Every case is individual. Best thing you could advise him/her is get a loan from a friend/parents to see a solicitor asap

[Blue nose]

Originally Posted by Welsh_Dragon

I would add that it takes two to argue, so tell your friend to try not to engage. Also, it is worth making a point of spending time out of the house doing things with the children, Reinforcing those relationships and getting them used to spending time with each parent individually.

See more...

I don't think they are arguing, just living separate lives in the same house. I think Covid and lockdown has highlighted how bad things are for them both. The MIL is always present too and having a say in their life's.

I've suggested my friend sign the kids up for activities such as swimming lessons/brownies/beavers to give the kids a break too.

[Blue nose]

Originally Posted by archibald

As 'the only one working' I'm assuming that your friend also does all of the childcare and all of the household chores and that the partner contributes nothing at all? Or does your friend not value the work done by the primary carer of the children?

Your friend can't really have shared care if the children are to stay in the marital home - they need to move out if they are not the primary carer and find somewhere that the children can spend half of their time. If they're worried about how much the children will cost them, online calculators are available for a rough idea of child maintenance.

'Only staying for the kids' doesn't make anyone happy - it's a toxic environment that the children are already aware of. They'll have to have a big think about whether what they want is the same as what is best for the children.

See more...

The parent at home is homeschooling the children and refused to allow them to attend formal school, outside activities or clubs. My friend disagrees with this stance and wants the children to attend school and clubs to aocialise and learn.

Due to the lack of structure the kids stay up until very late, maybe 11pm/midnight (young primary age) and sleep in until lunch. My friend is out at work from 6-7am so ends up in bed before kids and then comes home to prepare tea/'clean tidy as the other parent is homeschooling kids.

The partner will not allow tv, computers or other technology so my friend struggles to do anything at home except tidy/read/work.

Friend is happy to pay for the mortgage and kids but leaves them with nothing to even try and get out and make better arrangements with the kids at the heart of it all. Only option appears to pay everything and either stay and be unhappy or move in with parents which isn't a practical long term solution. Kids are young. This could be 10-15 years.

We get free legal advice via work so suggested that, and thanks to poster with PM and link.

I don't believe there's any DV. It's not been mentioned although they definitely feel trapped and no say in kids lives but they 100% want to be involved both financially and in person with the kids. The kids are the most important thing to them.

Thanks for all replies.

[MadHatter1]

All your questions are linked and typical really.

If your friend moves out the other partner will need a job to pay household bills but, the childcare will be expensive, so may need your friend to do their fair share of the childcare. Your friend says they want this hopefully they are already in a job that makes this possible.

Every situation is different, but moving out and paying all household bills plus mortgage on a property you don't live in would be bad advice.

As above the first appointment with a solicitor is normally free.