So I told my girlfriend

[Mr Tom Morrow]

Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.
The first woman has no tissue, so she uses her underwear and tosses it away.

Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her underwear!"

"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

[cartoonp]

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late-model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough, that I don't even need a driver's license anymore."
He asked "How do you know?"
"The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license.
I told him, yes and handed it to him."
He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying,
'You won't need this anymore.'
So I thanked him and left!I

[captain-codeye]

A man has been stuck on a desert island for 10 years when he notices an unusual speck in the distance.

“It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer the man starts to rule out the possibility that it’s a small boat or even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, is a beautiful blonde woman wearing scuba gear and a wet suit.

She approaches the man, who can’t believe his eyes.

“Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” she asks the man.

“It’s been 10 years,” he replies.

With that, the woman reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a packet of cigarettes.

The man takes one, lights it and takes a long drag.

“Man, that is good!” he says.

“And how long has it been since you’ve had a sip of bourbon?” the woman asks.

Trembling, the castaway explains that it’s also been 10 years.

Sure enough, the woman reaches over, unzips her right sleeve and pulls out a flask.

The man opens it and takes a swig.

“This is the best day of my life,” he says.

The woman starts unzipping her long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and looks at the man seductively.

“How long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?” she cheekily asks.

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs.

“Dear lord! Don’t tell me you’ve got a Playstation in there!”

[cartoonp]

you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with seniors this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet... God willing, someday you will be...
>
> The 2.99 Special
>
>
>
> We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for £2.99.
>
> 'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'
>
> 'Then, I'll have to charge you £3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
>
> 'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.
>
> 'YES!' stated the waitress.
>
> 'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..
>
> 'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
>
> 'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake..
> DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!
> WE'VE been around the block more than once!
__________________

[Mr Tom Morrow]

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'll break it in half and stick it up your ≈≈≈≈.

[51-a- good year]

An imam, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood donation centre.

The nurse on duty turns to the rabbit and asks "What's your blood type?"

"I reckon I'm a type O" replies the rabbit

[novocastrian]

A rabbit walks into a pub & orders a cheese & ham toastie, the barman is surprised but serves the rabbit
Over the coming weeks the rabbit returns everyday for his cheese and ham toastie, word spreads and the pub is heaving with punters wanting to see the talking rabbit, profits soar...

One day the ham delivery didnt arrive so when the rabbit arrived the barman offered him cheese and onion instead, the rabbit reluctantly agreed but enjoyed it anyway

But the rabbit never returned & over time trade dwindled and the pub was close to bankruptcy

One night as the barman was closing the pub he spotted a ghostly apparition in the bar , on closer inspection it was the rabbits ghost... the barman asked why he never came back explaining its killed his business... The rabbit tells him he died , the barman asked what did he die of "mixing me toasties " explained the rabbit...

[megaflyer]

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.


The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.


"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.


"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either.

[Mr Tom Morrow]

A Short History of Medicine:

“Doctor I have a headache.”

2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”

1000 B.C. – “That root is a demon, say this prayer.”

1850 A.D. – “That prayer is a superstition, drink this potion.”

1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”

1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”

2021 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

[cartoonp]

A man went into a supermarket, got 3 cans of dog food, and walked up to the checkout.
The cashier asks the man, “Sir, do you own a dog?”
The man replies, “Yes I do.”
The cashier then asks, “Do you have the dog with you?”
The man replies, “No, I left it at home.”
The cashier then says, “I’m sorry, but I can’t sell you this dog food unless I see your dog.”

A few days later the man walks into the same store, gets 3 cans of cat food, and walks up to the checkout.
The same cashier asks, “Sir, do you own a cat?”
The man replies, “Yes I do.”
The cashier then asks, “Do you have your cat with you?”
And the man replies, “No, I left it at home.”
Then the cashier says, “I’m sorry, but I can’t sell you this cat food unless I see your cat.”

A few days later the man walks into the store, this time carrying a paper bag. He walks up to the same cashier, and asks him to put his hand into the bag.
The cashier says, “It feels warm, soft, and gooey.”
The man then says, “Now, can I go back and get 3 rolls of toilet paper?”