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Old 6 Oct 21, 07:51 AM  
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#51
Loopylooloo
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Originally Posted by Charlangela View Post
I'm very sorry that he did that to you.

I think it might be worth spending time to love your own company. You were in a relationship for 10 years. I know that if I was to split up with my husband and go straight into dating, I'd be very needy and probably a bit overbearing to anyone new just because of the familiarity of having someone there all the time.

Also, if a relationship is right, it will work. No needing to keep asking if you can see each other. I've been with my husband since day 1 (literally stayed the night and I'm still here 10 years later) and nothing has ever felt forced.

Be gentle on yourself and take time to learn that you don't need a man to be happy xxxx
I think this was spot on, good advice- you need to take your time to feel more content with life in general, and your own self worth before rushing into anything.
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Old 6 Oct 21, 07:52 AM  
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#52
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Originally Posted by EssexSue View Post
Sounds very flaky to me. You are well rid, I know it hurts now but take it from us who are on your side you have had a lucky escape!
I agree and tough as it is it really doesn't matter if there is someone else or not.

It's difficult but stop thinking what if... this guy wasn't where you were in this relationship, be pleased he pulled away now and not in 6 months time.

I know it's difficult but I am also interested in your statement that he was all you wanted in a relationship. In my experience and from others I know 'the one' is often nothing like our ideal, it's sometimes completely opposite from the ideal but somehow the relationship clicks and works.

Take some time out and then maybe stop looking for the perfect one, widen your horizons. From your last few men (that you have discussed here) it seems you have been trying to get men who wont commit to do just that and that's hard!
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Old 6 Oct 21, 08:25 AM  
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#53
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Originally Posted by Pink_Fairy_Dust View Post
Iím really trying not to blame myself but on Sat he was even saying stuff like oh I donít mind opening the wine you can finish it when youíre round next, donít worry we will catch up on some of that series next time, yeah it would be good if you bring some lateral flows round (so had them in if required to prove covid free for somewhere we were going - I have loads from work) so mundane stuff but all just normal as pie that we would be seeing each other again. With the wine flowing I probs was a bit more emotional than usual say when he didnít want me to sleepover and kept saying oh Iíll get a taxi and refusing a lift (but then I took one of course). I just think maybe Iíd still be with him if Iíd come across more easygoing and been more ok with the fact we werenít defined in what we wereÖ. I never said I was bothered but maybe the pushing to stay over thing made him think oh dear sheís too into me for this point. I just think if Iíd played it cooler Iíd still be seeing himÖ. I mean all he said was he was seeing someone on his text and really without defining what you are you have to assume that could be caseÖ

Even wondering if seeing someone isnít even true and just means youíre too full on but then he could have just said that and blocked me in same way he said the other sentence right and you wouldnít want to make yourself out the bad guy if you arenít
Again I don't want to be harsh but you're still blaming yourself, it I hadn't said this maybe we would still be together etc etc. This is a guy who had so little respect for you that he was either seeing someone else at the same time or at the very least was actively looking whilst seeing you. It's very hard but if you don't treat yourself with a little more love and respect you're going to keep meeting people that treat you the same way, it's unfair but unfortunately its the way life works, I'm going to shut up and stop preaching now as it's very easy to see what others need to do and less so for yourself but one final thought if his new relationship doesn't work out and he comes back tapping at your door, please please don't take him back as you really are so much better than that even if you find it a little hard to believe at minute. I really hope you find someone who treats you how you deserve to be
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Old 6 Oct 21, 08:42 AM  
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I do see what youíre saying but the only thing Iíd say in his defence is we never defined we were exclusive and he did say when first saw him he wasnít sure what he wanted and wasnít bothered when I had another date potentially lined up (at beginning). I donít know maybe Iíve been out of dating so long that everyone is casual and seeing a few ppl (and yes sleeping with them). I probs gave the impression to him I wouldnít be ok with that but I might have for a while as maybe thatís how people judge what/who they want these daysÖ.
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Old 6 Oct 21, 08:43 AM  
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I have to agree with the last couple of posters, you need to perhaps take a little time to be by yourself and find your self confidence and true value. I took years to go this after my separation, and only started dating again this year, but Iím confident enough now that I wonít stand for poor treatment. Itís better to be alone than with the wrong person! Iíve very recently started seeing someone who Iíve totally clicked with and we are both on the same page.
The right guy will come along at the right time for you.
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Old 6 Oct 21, 09:04 AM  
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Just to add to the other comments - he wasnít the perfect guy for you, he was some guy who could act out the part of the perfect partner for a short time. He then showed his true colours. Iím not saying heís an awful person but he was at the least hedging his bets with you and the other woman. Is that the behaviour of a perfect partner or a cowardly custard ? I think you need to stop actively looking for a little while. Maybe join a few things that will help you build new friendships. It sounds like you need to learn to be happy as a single person with your own identity, rather than only feeling complete when you are part of a couple. You sound like a lovely partner, but start to appreciate how wonderful you are before you assess whether someone else is worthy of your love.
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Old 6 Oct 21, 09:10 AM  
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I know you say you werenít exclusive. But I really donít understand that mentality. If youíre seeing someone, you donít see anyone else until youíve ended that relationship in my eyes.

Take some time for yourself properly, it will happen when you least expect it. Mine did. Sounds like youíve had a very lucky escape x
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Old 6 Oct 21, 09:10 AM  
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Iím finding it really hard to articulate what i want to say to you, and I donít want to seem harsh as I mean everything 100% supportively.
So, what I will say instead is KNOW YOUR WORTH!
From what youíve said about your ďneedsĒ from a boyfriend, you would absolutely not have been okay with him sleeping around and playing the field until he decided whether it was you he wanted or not. Stringing you along. All that is going to do is erode your self confidence even further and most likely make you paranoid - sat at home wondering what he was doing and who he is with.
I repeat, KNOW YOUR WORTH!
You are so much better than that. This is on him, not you.

Please take some time away from dating, learn to love yourself and be happy in your own company. The confidence it will give you will be incredible - I know, Iíve been there! No one else will treat you with respect if you donít respect yourself.

Edited at 09:13 AM.
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Old 6 Oct 21, 09:45 AM  
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Originally Posted by Pink_Fairy_Dust View Post
Iím really trying not to blame myself but on Sat he was even saying stuff like oh I donít mind opening the wine you can finish it when youíre round next, donít worry we will catch up on some of that series next time, yeah it would be good if you bring some lateral flows round (so had them in if required to prove covid free for somewhere we were going - I have loads from work) so mundane stuff but all just normal as pie that we would be seeing each other again. With the wine flowing I probs was a bit more emotional than usual say when he didnít want me to sleepover and kept saying oh Iíll get a taxi and refusing a lift (but then I took one of course). I just think maybe Iíd still be with him if Iíd come across more easygoing and been more ok with the fact we werenít defined in what we wereÖ. I never said I was bothered but maybe the pushing to stay over thing made him think oh dear sheís too into me for this point. I just think if Iíd played it cooler Iíd still be seeing himÖ. I mean all he said was he was seeing someone on his text and really without defining what you are you have to assume that could be caseÖ

Even wondering if seeing someone isnít even true and just means youíre too full on but then he could have just said that and blocked me in same way he said the other sentence right and you wouldnít want to make yourself out the bad guy if you arenít
If you played it cool then youíd still be being strung along by a user, honestly I know itís hard, but try not to sit there and think of things you did wrong. Sometimes relationships donít work and sometimes you date an idiot and it isnít your fault!

As others have said, and I want to say this in a nice way, but you need to be happy with yourself first and be happy being single, otherwise youíll end up being used and being treated like dirt by men that know theyíve got you wrapped around their fingerÖ

The fact that he wouldnít let you stay over is a huge red flag and the fact that he didnít want to put a label on the relationship is another one. This isnít someone whoís afraid of commitment, itís someone who doesnít want it and nothing you can do can change that.

Honestly in future if you want commitment, but the person is telling you they donít want that and they donít want to rush, then walk away. Relationships should flow, it shouldnít be that much hard work.
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Old 6 Oct 21, 10:11 AM  
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#60
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Originally Posted by Pink_Fairy_Dust View Post
I do see what youíre saying but the only thing Iíd say in his defence is we never defined we were exclusive and he did say when first saw him he wasnít sure what he wanted and wasnít bothered when I had another date potentially lined up (at beginning). I donít know maybe Iíve been out of dating so long that everyone is casual and seeing a few ppl (and yes sleeping with them). I probs gave the impression to him I wouldnít be ok with that but I might have for a while as maybe thatís how people judge what/who they want these daysÖ.
Sorry but after 2 months Iíd expect to be exclusive. Tbh Iíd expect this sooner if you were seeing each other regular after a few dates. Like others have said do not blame yourself. This guy is a player and knew what he was doing and had no intention of commitment.
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