After the funeral...now what

[katy341]

At the age of 35 I've provided end of life care and was by my lovely grans side as she took her last breath. 35! Most people go through all of this when they're older with their parents I never thought I'd have to do it but my gran and I are inseparable snd have been since the day I was born.

Due to an enormous family breakdown I dont have a relationship with my parents and we are about to embark on a big legal journey and my dad (her son) looks like he will be contesting her will and letter of intent explaining that due to her not having any kind of relationship with him in 6yrs, he is excluded from her will.

For me, it's this part... what do I do now?
The funeral was yesterday... my grans daughter (dads sister...who I do have a relationship with) is executor and is sorting house etc and all that needs to be done and I guess that keeps her going but me...

I miss calling her every day and going to see her with shopping or taking her out. The 3was before she passed I was at the hospital and then hospice for upto 10hrs per day so i was consumed by it all

I have my gorgeous children who were very close to gran so I'm focusing on them but feel like its limbo st the minute!

Sorry pointless post really x

[dubletrub]

Originally Posted by katy341

At the age of 35 I've provided end of life care and was by my lovely grans side as she took her last breath. 35! Most people go through all of this when they're older with their parents I never thought I'd have to do it but my gran and I are inseparable snd have been since the day I was born.

Due to an enormous family breakdown I dont have a relationship with my parents and we are about to embark on a big legal journey and my dad (her son) looks like he will be contesting her will and letter of intent explaining that due to her not having any kind of relationship with him in 6yrs, he is excluded from her will.

For me, it's this part... what do I do now?
The funeral was yesterday... my grans daughter (dads sister...who I do have a relationship with) is executor and is sorting house etc and all that needs to be done and I guess that keeps her going but me...

I miss calling her every day and going to see her with shopping or taking her out. The 3was before she passed I was at the hospital and then hospice for upto 10hrs per day so i was consumed by it all

I have my gorgeous children who were very close to gran so I'm focusing on them but feel like its limbo st the minute!

Sorry pointless post really x

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So sorry for your loss, please keep in touch with your Aunt to offer help. I have been dealing with my dad's estate and it can be hard to deal with as it can be a long drawn out affair, especially if you feel your dad will contest the will. I am sure your Aunt will need as much support as she can get.
Also allow yourself time to grieve ❤️❤️

[Blue nose]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Try and fill your time when you need to but also take time to grieve. The coming weeks and months will be difficult but we're all here for you.

There's a thread in the social groups section for Bereavement and Support. I found it a great comfort last year when I lost my dear dad and still pop back when things are difficult or just to check on others.

Take care xx

[shirley]

Sorry for your loss and all the hassle you are having, surely if there is a will your father doesn't have a leg to stand on? Xx

[littlelish0544]

Not a pointless post. I lost my dad at 38 and know exactly what you mean. The day after the funeral i woke up and didnt have a clue what i was going to do. I felt i had no purpose. Dont be hard on yourself, just take things a day at a time and you will find your pace again. Sending you big hugs xxxxx

[katy341]

Thank you everyone xx

I really hope my dad doesnt have a leg to stand on

As far as offering help... I think I'm borderline being perceived as taking over... purely because I was the closest to my gran and I'm desperate to give her everything she wanted and sometimes I feel that I know more of that than her daughter but I need to step back a little..she is her daughter and executor so now I know my gran got 90% wise what she wanted then I need to let her do her own thing if that makes sense.

I thought the bit between her going and the funeral would be the hardest but it's not is it... I think maybe the planning kept me going. I am grieving and I know it's ok to do so. I found my self having a nice evening last week with my other half and son and it hit me and I burst into tears annoyed at myself for having fun...grief does funny things doesnt it x

I'm so sorry for all of you who have experienced a big loss xx

[Spottywotty]

Deepest condolences

[parisdisneyfan]

Originally Posted by littlelish0544

Not a pointless post. I lost my dad at 38 and know exactly what you mean. The day after the funeral i woke up and didnt have a clue what i was going to do. I felt i had no purpose. Dont be hard on yourself, just take things a day at a time and you will find your pace again. Sending you big hugs xxxxx

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I was your age when I lost my mum so have a bit of an idea of how you feel. It is the things you did all the time that suddenly you don't need to do anymore - your routine has gone, you need a new routine but now isn't the time. Until the will is sorted and everything finalised you will still be on edge. It seems like the rest of the world is carrying on as normal but your normal has gone. Easy to say but don't feel bad for having a nice day, from what you say your gran wouldn't have wanted that. Offer to help your aunt, again from what you say she will probably be feeling guilty as well as grieving, but don't push her. Not being the direct next of kin but having been very close to someone is as hard if not harder than if it was your mum or dad.

Hope that helps but above all be kind to yourself, enjoy your family and take it one step at a time, big hugs xxx

[DiszeeBelle]

Sorry to hear this. Ask your aunt if there is anything you can help with. Otherwise keep yourself busy and allow yourself time to grieve, dont feel you need to be strong. I was really close to my grandma like you were, always said she was my 2nd man but I didn't give myself time to grieve because I had to be strong for my granda, mam and aunt as it was such a shock and they were such a mess and I feel I'm still not over it 6 years later. My granda passed dec 2018 and his estate only just got finalised dec 2019 and now the house is in the process of being sold so memories are flooding back.
Sending hugs xx

[munmun]

Such a difficult time for you. Can you offer your help and agree you will be available if needed.

Think of a way or ways to honour your gran. This could be a memory box full of things to remind you of her or perhaps start writing your thoughts and small stories of the time you spent with your gran. Include her foibles, her sense of humour, her loves and her dislikes too. Remember, you knew her best so keep her memory alive by writing things down for future generations.

Could you concentrate on a family tree that starts with your gran and investigate your family history. Talk every day to someone about your gran including talking to your children about her, that way she will live with you. Write a note each evening before you go to sleep of how your day went and what she would like to hear.

Investigate some bereavement counselling, simply to be able to talk to a non judgemental, confidential listener will help. Many people who use the service go on to investigate getting the skills to help others.