How can you be Heartbroken and relieved at the same time?

[twinkly-tink]

This weekend has been the hardest...and I need to write this down to help so I hope you will all bear with me.

My dad (I always called him pops) died yesterday morning, taking ill on his return from his long awaited week away with his mates on a fishing trip.

Friday night I got a call from his mate whilst I was still at work to say they were home, and that an ambulance had just arrived for pops. He hands me over to the paramedic who tells me pops is a very poorly man and did he have a DNR

Over the summer pops had been diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer, it had spread to his spine and lymph nodes. Lately his breathing had worsened, but he was generally in good spirits and still as active as he could be, so the call was a complete shock.

I live 100 miles away, he's in Sheffield , me Dudley in west midlands, so knowing it would be at least 3 hours as I had to get home from work in Birmingham before I could set off I went into complete panic mode. I'm really not sure how I got there on the drive up, but when I did arrive, my brother and sister were with him and it wasnt good news. The tumour had grown, despite him being on treatment, they had had to resuscitate him in ambulance on way (he didnt have a DNR) and he also had a bad infection on his lungs. The Dr said he was not responding and it was therefore likely he would not last the night.

He slipped away peacefully in his sleep on Saturday morning, and whilst we are all heartbroken, we are also relieved that he didn't suffer what I know would be have been a completely horrible end, especially as he became able to do less as the cancer impacted his breathing more and took away his independence; and this makes me feel a little guilty for seeing his passing as a blessing.

We never wanted to lose him so quickly, we had only really just come to terms with his cancer, and at times (other than his breathlessness) it was hard to believe he was ill, yet we didn't want him to suffer.

I just hope he knows we were with him to the end and he was loved

[Rac20]

I am so very sorry for your loss. My dad died after a 6 year battle with secondary lung cancer ( initially kidney) and the ending was terrible. For weeks and weeks before he finally passed we had to watch him get worse. It was so heartbreaking that in the end we did feel relief that he was no longer suffering. I think it is a normal reaction. It’s been 5 years now and I miss him so much but it does get easier with time. Sending you big hugs.

[cheekydeeky]

So sorry to hear, sending big hugs your way. Cancer is such a horrific disease, my best friend's mum had lung cancer and really suffered towards the end .

Thinking of you x

[Infinity Red]

This brought tears to my eyes, so sorry for your loss, I'm sure he knew you were all there with him.

[DisneyStacey]

I am so sorry for your loss.
Sending you love and strength at this difficult time x ❤️

[Guest]

Ah no Glad you were able to say goodbye. He had a lovely trip with his mates. Xxxxxx

[linder]

His passing was a blessing in the way it happened so don't feel guilty I had to watch my mam, dad and step mam fade away it was awful, I wish they could have gone before it got to that stage not for myself but for them. I am sorry for your loss

[Pussycat Doll]

So sorry to read this. It is completely understandable to feel heartbroken and also relief. I've been through it twice, 13 years ago with mum and 7 months ago with dad. You are so relieved he didn't suffer but broken because he has gone, please give yourself time to grieve and come to terms with his passing. How lovely for him he went on a fishing trip with his mates and went to sleep, I'm sure he knew you were there. Xx

[BucksBugsy]

I totally understand the mixture of feelings you experienced

When my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer she was given 3 weeks to live. She went on for 5 months whichbij a way was good but her quality of life deteriorated so quickly it was soula destroying to see. Along with loosing all ability to do anything for herself she lost all dignity which was very important to her

So when the time came for her to leave us we were all ready to let go. I always carry the memories of my mum with me and whilst I will never forget being with her when she died I remember more the happy times when she was in good health

I wish you strength in the coming months as you deal with your loss.

BBx

[Melbatb]

More ((hugs)). I am terrobly sorry for your loss xx